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LH19 #2748624 06/27/17 09:00 AM
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otw,

There's a chance that you could be one of those OM or her plan B. Be careful when engaging with her. Because it could all about feeding into her ego. But proceed with the suggestion of LH19 and see what happens.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
Tread #2748626 06/27/17 09:08 AM
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That is very well a possibility. I think she has definitely experienced some control in her life and relationships. If an opportunity arises I will consider being forward and take charge. Until that time arises I will be happy and moving on with my life as I have done before. If the opportunity does not arise to take charge and see the response I will be very curious as to what happens! Lol


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2748672 06/27/17 01:09 PM
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otw!! my old friend. I don't read much on here anymore but usually stop by and see if I recognize the name... what a nice surprise!

So good to hear an update from you. Glad to see you are dealing with things well. Our WW's seem similar as do our situations (minus the children for me). The children must make it pretty hard for you.

You know my story pretty well. But just to rehash a bit. When WW first came back around, she would start contacting like crazy. I remember the first time we got together after 8 months of not seeing each other, it went great! Then that night, the contact stopped and she went cold. I could tell instantly. So it did take me a few days to adjust, but adjust I did and went back to very little contact. About 3-4 weeks later, she started contacting again and wanted to meet to 'talk'. So meet we did, we talked, it was just OK this time and then back to being cold but I just kept doing my thing. This repeated maybe 2-3 more times. Then from then on... almost a year now, she has not been cold or distant... in fact I have been!

Anyway, back to your situation. I tried to put myself in your shoes and thought about what I would do. LH has an interesting suggestion, but it is definitely not what I would do. The reason being is that I don't think one night would tell you anything. Anything can happen one night and she could be back to being cold the next day, no matter what happens. I don't think her saying yes or no to that offer means anything.

What I would do, is when she goes cold, is pretty much let it be, like you did several months ago. It is a long haul, longer than anyone thinks.

Of course I am not in your situation so I think you know the best course for yourself. Seems like you are going to wait and see... which seems like a good move to me!

Anyway, glad to see you posting! Hope you have time to post more often.

pinn #2748679 06/27/17 01:33 PM
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I as well check in and look around. I knew I would hear from you but you explained exactly the same thing in your situation as in mine. It is very tough with kids though. When she goes cold she will be too wrapped up in her going out life to call them and say good night. Their relationship is so strained.

I really believe at this point with the coldness I feel and my instincts tell me to stay away for now. If she breaks through again at some point then maybe I will take charge and see what happens. But right now she seems wrapped up in something and there is no time for me or kids which is sad.

I forgot to mention that during our time apart of course I struggled but i definitely haven't just been laying around waiting. I have been living life. Being single is not what I want right now in my life but I really haven't come across any relationship worthy females at this point.
So the gal stays in movement for me. It does get hard missing my kids half of the time then it is also hard trying to work on my days with them!

Pinn we always had similar situations and I guess I will see what happens. Her actions have been telling the story right now of what she is wanting so that is that.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
LH19 #2748736 06/28/17 12:30 AM
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Yeah I'm with Cristy, she's temp-checking you. Do you know the squirrel analogy? If you want to feed a squirrel you hold the food out and hold perfectly still and wait for the squirrel to come take it. If the squirrel approaches and you make any movement towards it at all it will run up a tree and the whole process starts over again. You really don't want to go into pursuit mode right now. It sounds like you've been doing great and being independent, and that's getting her attention. So keep that up! That said, these are exactly the kind of baby steps Michele says to look for. It's a very good sign your W is starting to think about you in a positive light again. But she still has further to go on her journey.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
otw #2748738 06/28/17 12:37 AM
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Originally Posted By: otw
there has been a pattern that when she has the kids she is willing to do things together, but when she does not then she wants no part.


Honestly, I think this says a lot. Shes getting to play family when it's convenient, but then go off to be single when theres no kids to deal with - why would she want to spend time with you when it's easy to go flitting off with whomever.

MoveFrwd #2748744 06/28/17 01:10 AM
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Kaizen can I ask then how you change that? I have children like OTW and although only just starting on this path I will be in a similar position. I will (at some point) want us to spend time together as a family for the kids sake as I know H does now but he refuses to give up OW so would never want to spend time with me. I'm not trying to focus on him spending time with me but how do you not give your kids that time without it seeming like your giving WAS their cake and letting them eat it?


Me 46 H 39
M 11 T 14
S 10 DO 8
ILYBNILWY 11.06.17
Separate rooms 11.06.17
ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17
Kicked H out 23.6.17
H came home 20.8.17



Tomorrow is another day
SJW #2748761 06/28/17 01:55 AM
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Thank you all for the input. It is much appreciated. More than likely this was temp checking. It almost feels like she was looking to make her way back but something popped up that she might like better and she wants to go see what it is all about.
She definitely has a way to go.

For now I will just keep living and note what happens. Even yesterday she was on the phone with the kids in the truck on Bluetooth and started asking my advice on some new work venture she is trying to start. I gabe very brief answers. I could tell she was looking for more. I enjoy helping and it felt wrong not to give more information.
I must admit I do feel used. Even D9 said something after about it.

If she asks more I will give her info then move along.

Anyway let's see what the day brings. Always hard as the kids leave today.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
SJW #2748869 06/28/17 08:26 AM
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Originally Posted By: SJW
I will (at some point) want us to spend time together as a family for the kids sake

How is this for the kid's sake? I can be civil with my ex. I can survive in the same room for things like parent teacher conferences, sports games, recitals, and so on without needing strangle my ex or the AP.

But I dont see any reason to go out to dinner and play family. How is that helping the kids?

MoveFrwd #2748874 06/28/17 08:45 AM
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Kaizen, I'm just over 2 weeks in and I want nothing more to spend time together as a family but he wants it when he wants it and if OW is available he doesn't. My kids don't know yet so I think I'm a long way away from where you're at. Thanks for responding and sorry if that sounded confrontational it wasn't meant to just having a tough night


Me 46 H 39
M 11 T 14
S 10 DO 8
ILYBNILWY 11.06.17
Separate rooms 11.06.17
ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17
Kicked H out 23.6.17
H came home 20.8.17



Tomorrow is another day
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