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Jb9140 #2680233 05/24/16 07:05 AM
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Good morning OTW

Hope things are going well for you. Are you still doing a 180 and trying to keep engaging your wife?


Me-LBH, 44
Spouse-WAW, 41
Married for 9 years
S, 7 S, 5
BD - November 20th 2015
Jb9140 #2681006 05/26/16 07:26 PM
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well I figure an update was due before the holiday weekend here in the US.

Not a whole lot to tell on the W front. Things haven't really changed between our communication except i am not initiating anything or asking anything.

I have not really received an answer regarding the question of going out.

She is still a little sick, but i know she is ok enough to go do her thing with friends.

She is def coming up on a busy time with her dance recitals and the house she is renting is looking to be sold so she will have to look for something.

The kids have said some things about her looking somewhere but also made mention to her talking to a friend then telling them she doesn't know what she will be doing yet and maybe move back! I know my kids are little and make things up in there heads so I just disregard these things. I try not to put them in the middle of stuff but my D7/8 hears everything!

Any way,
I have to be at inlays campground this weekend for a bit to help with concession stand i run for them. It is W weekend with kids, so long story short we are all going to be there together. Staying together in our camper. I actually expected this as it is her weekend with the kids and as the history proves she is willing to do things on these weekends. If she sis not have them I would believe she would not go.

Either way I am going to enjoy my time and the kids. We do all have plans when we get back to go to a festival in town that we have gone to for years now.

other than that, i have been busy!

Picking up a little rugby training, pilates, and gym everyday as usual. Kids stuff, work, and i have taken on some projects on my truck i have wanted to do.

House work and yard work has also kept me busy. Have a few friends in town as well and will get with them.

I do have to say that I had a few things that i didn't like that i found myself doing after W moved and I have moved past all of them and fell a lot better bout myself. Nothing crazy, just routines i found destructive, i.e...staying out late etc..

I also have to say that when all of this first happened i turned to religion as many of us have to find answers. I know i did this with fixing in mind. Lately I have started seeing things differently and really releasing a lot of things that I know i can not control.

Even though some of the stuff may seem small but when i focus on a few prayers and releasing control and knowing things will work one way or another for me then sitting back and looking at everything. I am shocked there are miracles everyday in my life small or big. Even things I find myself over analyzing then having anxiety about I stop look up and say this is not for me to control and the best will come and literally almost instantly something happens.
very strange.

I hope everyone can try and enjoy the weekend and live in the moment. I know i will be smacking myself to make sure I do!


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2681008 05/26/16 07:35 PM
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otw,

Sounds like you are in a good place. Glad to hear you are looking forward to the weekend. So am I as I have my boys this weekend. Enjoy the extra day off!


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
otw #2681014 05/26/16 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: otw

I hope everyone can try and enjoy the weekend and live in the moment. I know i will be smacking myself to make sure I do!


amen brother... enjoy it!

pinn #2685511 06/14/16 06:04 AM
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Hey OTW,

Have not seen you post in a while,

How are things going??


Me late 30's
W mid 30's
T 15, M 10
S4, S7
ILYBNILWY June 2015
In house S July 2015
W rings off Oct 2015
My ring off Feb 2015
Separate houses June 2016
vise82 #2748598 06/27/17 07:43 AM
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So it has been about a year since I posted on my own thread. Figured I would give an update.

Last time I was here I was getting ready to test W about doing something together. We had done a few things as a family and I helped her with some stuff. As soon as that was done she went cold and not long after I found she was dating someone and had them around my kids when we specifically agreed we would discuss this before.
I said my peace and eliminated contact with her except necessary kid stuff.

the year had moved on and kids had continually expressed they don't like staying with their mother and don't want to be around the OM. Xmas came along and the previous year I let her come and be here in the morning for kids. Plan was to let me go there for kids this year then at 1130 at night xmas eve she asked thar I don't because she wanted facetime OM that is out of town.
new year moved in and the topic of finalizing the divorce came up and we needed to settle up a few items and we discussed and agreed on things. never actually finalized for a month or two.

right round end of april I called kids one day and my S6 is yelling that OM is not with mom anymore and will not be around. I say ok and change topic. When W is dropping kids off next day S6 again goes into it ver excited and says we should be together again. I just roll off back, I'm sure she felt awkward.
fast forward a week to our anniversary. day comes and I do not acknowledge it. I did last year pretty sure OM was in picture.

Kids and I are leaving a dinner and I receive a text from W. "i know today is a weird day but I wanted to say something to you...thanks for being a great guy and an amazing father to our kids. Happy cinco de mayo" we were married may 5th.

I wasn't sure how to respond to this. I finally responded with it is not a weird day, but I understand. thank you for those words and I am doing the best I can. Happy cinco de mayo to you.

After this it seemed like a whole bunch of communication opened up between us. She would text me about non important things. she seemed happy to talk and very friendly and light. coming up on mothers day weekend which was her weekend she had to teach at a dance competition and I was taking the kids early Saturday. an hour after she dropped them off she called me crying. there had been a tragic death of a babay in her family. it was awful. we had just spent the night before at my sons talent show and out to eat telling stories about them being babies and to think of a baby passing was awful. we communicated throughout the day about it.
the following day was mothers day and I had tickets to a monster truck show for the kids that we have all always gone to. She expressed interest again. so the next day we all went then ate dinner at a restaurant and went back to her place and did a bunch of things with kids. again she seemed so happy to do this, followed by texts later in the evening.
the communication continued this way for a wahile. we attended the funeral together as a family and went to dinner with her entire family afterwards.

we continued to do things together and communicate and memorial day was approaching. she had the kids this weekend and in all years past we had went camping together, even the previous when we were not together. Again this year we did. her and I laughed and talked the entire time. we had too much to drink one night and I had to take care of her and we actually ended up sleeping in the same bed in the camper after kids fell asleep in other. nothing sexual at all.

During all this time we have not had a relationship talk, nothing from her regarding missing me etc..but it seemed like signs were being shown.
A few weeks would go by and same communication but she seemed a little colder some days then others right back to the new way. Her dance recitals came about and I helped with them and she thanked me so much telling me she couldn't have done it without me etc..we still had plenty of communication but got a little less.
Fathers day came and we did some things together with kids and then D9 bday we all did stuff, but now it seems very cold almost like she has disappeared.

a few notes for thought

I have never told her anything to make her think I was trying to make things work. I have been very nice and helpful which could be read that way.

there has been a pattern that when she has the kids she is willing to do things together, but when she does not then she wants no part.

she has become a little secretive to kids about things. S6 asked her flat out if she had a boyfriend at dinner and she quickly said no then he asked me pushing us towards each other. we both laughed.

I will admit I have never gotten over her. something inside me tells me we are supposed to be together and will be. I know silly but when I feel very strongly about something most times in my life it becomes that way. say what you will about that.

I have had gut feelings that she may be testing waters with different OM and hiding obviously.

I am interested in hearing everyones opinions. Whether false start, I chased too much and involved myself too much and didn't let her make more of an effort. I was feeling that I need to reciprocate her advances. may be she was lonely from brekup and needed something to latch on to. I really have been down all of the roads and what I am doing currently is just backing off completely. I don't send the texts or initiate at all.

It hurts and I want to as we all know but I know this is what I am supposed to do, I do really just want to look at her face to face and simply say what happened? why are you different towards me?

I know all of you will smack the 2x4 for that!

anyway thoughts and comments go!!


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2748609 06/27/17 08:16 AM
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Otw,

Next time she texts you for no reason, ask her to pickup a bottle of wine and come over. If she says yes, then get a sitter and hang out have fun and hookup. Then you will know if she has a romantic interest or you are in the friend zone. It really is the simple. As the man you have to take the lead.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
LH19 #2748612 06/27/17 08:34 AM
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that is the one avenue I have not gone down and I had been thinking that I needed to throw caution to the wind and take charge. interesting and thank you.


M 37
W 34

T 12
M 8
D 7
S 4

Need break 4/12/15
W no ring 7/7/15

Separate room 4/12/15
Separate living suggested 8/15
W moved out 11/1/15
otw #2748613 06/27/17 08:35 AM
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Hello otw,

I'm so glad you posted an update to your situation.

She could be major league temperature checking you to see if you are still available as plan B. It sounds like your changes have been noticed.

I would hold off on any kind of pursuit at this point. However there are things that could work and make a difference. I suggest you speak to a DB coach, as they are experts in looking at what has happened to bring you to this point in your relationship and what is the best way to interact with her, so that you are most likely to bring her closer and not push her any further away. Your coach's expertise will help you come up with a very specific plan (that may be counter intuitive to what you feel like saying and doing) on how to best turn things around. I wish you all the best and would be happy to discuss the coaching with you.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
otw #2748617 06/27/17 08:41 AM
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Absolutely then you know where you stand and then move on if she's not interested.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people – the ones who really belong in your life – will come to you. And stay.” ~LH19
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