Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
T
tl2 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2015
Posts: 523
Quote:
I've been in the process of getting a really good job in Austin, which is a city she loves, and have been trying to GAL.


Sounds like you're off to a good start.

Quote:
She's a big instagrammer, so I've been trying to stay off it to save my mental state,


Wise move!

Quote:
but don't know how she can see my improvements without seeing me?


Really doesn't matter. You might not want to hear this, but seeing your improvements may or may not make a difference to her...especially right now when her focus is elsewhere. Make substantial changes for yourself so that you grow stronger and more independent as an individual. That will benefit you regardless.

Quote:
I took very good care of her financially and seems to, now, resent all the material things I bought her, which in hindsight was a mistake.


I wouldn't get caught up in this. Believe nothing she says...she doesn't even know what she wants or really thinks right now.

Quote:
We should of travelled more and spent less on petty things, but I've acknowledged that and intend to change.


Shoulda/coulda/woulda. Did she make this clear to you and did you simply ignore her? Did she come to you and say, "Let's stop spending money on XYZ and let's travel more? Perhaps that's a point of contention, but it's probably not a real issue. People with a good relationship bring up things like that and make new decisions together. So, again, if you were ignoring her on this when she was telling you what she wanted, then THAT might be an issue to consider. If she wasn't, and she's just using it against you now, go back to believing nothing she says and simply focus on you and building a good life for yourself.

Quote:
Maybe too little to late


Maybe, maybe not. The key is to focus on what you can control (yourself and building a great life) and truly accept that this is her choice and there's not necessarily any one thing you can do to "get" her to want to come back. She has to come to that conclusion on her own. Your best bet is to build a great life for yourself as a strong, happy individual.

Best wishes.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 210
C
CRW Offline
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 210
She wants to see you improve. Regardless of motivation, she is giving you that chance. Don't waste it.


Me: 38 y/o
W: 38 y/o
Together: 10 yrs
Married: 7 yrs
S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15)
WBD: Sep '15
W's EA confirmed Oct'15
W Filed Dec '15
Personal awakening Mar'16
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
C
Caddie2 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
Thank you for the support! It's been really difficult, especially seeing she seems to be handling this swimmingly... By all accounts she's doing fine in NOLA and hasn't reached out at all. The only thing that is still attaching us is her car I bought her with my name on it that's parked at her parent's house, which she's wanting to get the equity out to travel more... Definitely doesn't sound like the girl I married. I so badly want to hear her voice, but I know calling her goes against the DB'ing strategy. I'm assuming she met someone given her actions, but the fact she isn't filling or even talking about filing is so confusing to me. I guess I would be Plan B in this case... Part of me thinks she's just trying to let me down softly given all that's happen as of late, but moving to NOLA and no talking to me isn't much of a soft landing. Just all very confusing... trying not to read into anything and just focus on getting to better/happier place, but, at times, every fiber of my being wants to know what's going on, or I probably not. Lost on whether I should just file at this point and get it over with, or keep fighting to the bitter end. I ultimately want to R, so the latter is probably my best direction. Thanks for the advice. Much appreciated it!

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
C
Caddie2 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
Travelling was an issue she brought up through counseling, but we couldn't even get settled in a city... So, I figured at trip would just add so much more stress than what we had on both of our plates. Besides, she did the traveling for the both of us... it wasn't a collective agreement to save money here and plan a trip there. She just traveled and expected me to plan a trip on top of everything else. My accountant would be calling me, everyday, saying, "Please stop with these traveling bills, I cannot support you through this; you're going to end up in bankruptcy if you continue on this path." I would tread lightly with my W on this bc she came from an upbringing where she was highly scrutinized for spending any money, so broaching the subject would send her in a tailspin.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
C
Caddie2 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
My WAW called me on Saturday. While she was on vacation, I talked to my mother-in-law to arrange to have some of her things she left shipped back to her parent's house. We discussed this previously and I'm in the process of clearing out my storage units. WAW called to arrange picking up her stuff instead of shipping them, bc of shipping cost and asked how I was doing. I used DB approached and was very vague on how/ what I was doing aside from that I was great. I made the conversation really short and made sure I was the first to hang up. What communication should I keep with her ongoing, if any? Should I wait for her to reach out to me again? Or, should I send a text or letter saying it was good talking to her and I'm glad she's taking time travel? I really don't how to proceed from her, bc going dark hasn't improved any communication and we're going on 5 months now. Thanks for any help!

Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
Caddie,

I feel like I'm an old curmudgeon, but I don't see much point in being vague or doing some Jedi mind-bending DB stuff. If there's something you need to tell her, then tell her and use the most convenient least expensive method to do that.

I don't have any issue with saying something nice, I actually think that's a good thing. But, is it going to get her to come back to you? Hell no! It's just some nice comments; don't waste your time figuring out how to communicate. Just do it or don't do it, but don't expect anything for the effort. I really think it's that simple.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
C
Caddie2 Offline OP
New Member
OP Offline
New Member
C
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 10
I'm losing hope at this point... no communication and it appears my WAW might be accepting a full time job in NOLA. She has reached out to get some of her things when she left, but hasn't mentioned anything about filing or getting a divorce -- doesn't seem to think the piece of paper means anything now. It's eating me alive and I'm having trouble functioning. I just want to know what's going on? It's so confusing to me why she just wouldn't say, "It's over!" So we can both heal and move on with our lives. Her parents are calling me wanting me to come out and visit them, which, to me, seems like it would be both emotional torture and a clear breach of boundaries. I don't know what to do. I need some sort of closure to it all, because this limbo, and her being so duplicitous, has been nothing like I've seen in the near decade we're spent together. Our 4th wedding anniversary is coming up in two weeks, which is going to be so difficult. I need advice! Is there any hope at this point? Is there anything I can do to reconnect? I'm lost... thank you for your help!

Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
Caddie,

You want her to pull the trigger and say that it's over, but you're also hoping to reconnect. You're all over the place and that's understandable.

You need to get a life (GAL). What do you really enjoy doing that takes your mind off of everything else? What brings you joy and makes you focus and forget about your worries? (And it shouldn't include things like Strawberry Cough or Pineapple Express.)

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard