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trumpet Offline OP
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Time to be moving on... headed over to 'Surviving the D'.

I'll stop in from time to time. Hope over to read my updates.

Thanks, folks, for being there for me. I'm still a mess at times, but every day is a gift. Some days, that gift isn't worth opening when I'm down and depressed, but if I'm honest, most days I open the gift and have gladness and resolve in my heart to keep moving forward. Grateful for the time to keep improving myself.

Off to my next adventure. Take care.

Keep in touch.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 563
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Trumpet:

Good luck on your "journey". I have been praying for you everyday and I will continue to do so. All the best.


M:50
W:53
MR:20
D:21
S:17
S:11
BD-Sept 2015
Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015
Actually EA
In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016
W moved out:May 22 2016
OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 410
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Trumpet..thx for all your support
Be joining soon on that thread !


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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trumpet Offline OP
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Wanted to update people on my status, and say hello formally to everyone. I'm posing when I can.

Halloween marks a year since bomb drop, and me going cold turkey on my porn addiction. Boo on one count, yay on another!

My ex-wife's boyfriend, who is going through a divorce, has continued to stall his divorce, per his estranged wife, who I've texted a few times. He has quit his teaching job in Chicago, and moved to Madison to be with EX-WW, working another teaching job. He sees his adopted step-kids every other week or so. I live 2 blocks form EX-WW, and has told the kids to not drop by her place (our old place) when they are with me. She has NOT informed them of her boyfriend, which is a bit weird to me. OM actually teaches in the same building where my son goes to school, so just finding this out was a bit of a trigger for me on the anniversary.

EX-WW is fully in limerence, new clothes, new car, dyed her hair, grew it long, started mild cosmetic surgery, and even got called out by our pastor after posting pictures on FB of her and OM. She terminated her membership at our church, which is HUGE. I'm the lone person to carry the church banner for now.

I'm running 3 miles about 5 times a week now. New shoes and orthotics have helped tremendously. Signed up for a 5k race Thanksgiving morning, when I won't have the kids. Losing some weight, and my clothes fit better.

Going to IC once a month, and working on forgiveness. It's not a one-time thing, like it was in grade school! I have to choose to forgive every day. It's more than a feeling, and more than a thought - it's a conscience choice daily.

No girlfriend, no dates. I'm still in the process of working on myself. I'm lonely some days, but it's not debilitating. Calling my addiction sponsor once a week, talking to my bother and friends every other day. I'm more at peace with not having my EX-WW in my life, but miss being married.

I realize she treated me badly for years - Sandi is spot on, no respect! I did get an 'I'm sorry for the way I've been acting' after numberous heated texts, but I haven't responded.

I worry about the effects on the kids, the development of the OM in town and possible future relationship with my kids, but I can't control it. I just get to choose how I react and respond.

Advice? Comments? Let me know. I'd love to hear from people.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 1,387
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Trumpet, you've come so far! A year of sobriety is a MASSIVE accomplishment. Keep putting your own wellness and self esteem first and you're going to have a brilliant life.

I remember the ups and downs of your sitch, and how quickly it all came to a close. Be thankful it's done my friend, now you have a clean slate from which to work. You hit the nail squarely on the head - I just get to choose how I react and respond. Amen to that a thousand times. You get to choose how you do everything for yourself both on the inside and the out.

Your WW is going to have her own journey, and it sounds like OM does too. From what little you've written, I doubt they'll survive. It feels like avoidance of reality is their main coping mechanism. A house of cards never stands for long though.

You're a huge inspiration around here, to new and even those of us who were here before or right when you joined. Keep putting that best foot forward, battling what lay underneath your addiction, and being a great father to your kids. You're oh so right, you can't control anything your EX WW does, nor OM, nor anything else out in the world for that matter. But you can control you.

Congrats at being a rock star.

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
Joined: Jun 2014
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Trump, awesome job handling a tough patch.

As for your concerns about the kids, I've been through a lot...not here to bus drive XW, but a number of men staying at the house the kids didn't even know, alcoholism, and beyond. But you know what? Things are so rock solid at my place that I know they will be grounded. They will be safe, loved, and have a place to be themselves. Most of all they will learn from me how to handle adversity, as I am modelling it for them and teaching them as we go.

That said, their mom loves them too. And in so many ways she is a great mother. Yes, she has problems. So do I. But she loves them, they love her, and she looks out for them in a lot of ways too.

Not much for advice, just some reassurances that the kids will bloom just fine. The truth is this world is pretty messy, all you're doing is getting the opportunity to start showing them how to lead through a mess. Lead on brother!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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Trumpet, it sounds like you are coming from a place of strength. Running probably helps a lot, keep it up! It sounds in general as if you are taking great care of yourself.

We live in a great place with so much to offer, don't we. I have created myself a wonderful life here and feel happier than probably ever before in my life.

I have been shocked over the D laws here and how fast things happen for many. Your story is very similar to what I have heard from others in Divorce Care group.

My WH is also not filing for D at this time, and has said he's very comfortable being S. I think he's using me to prevent a M to OW. She wants to get M this year but that's obviously not happening. I have told WH that I can't sign a no-fault settlement - it would be a lie, so if he files, I will reply with an at-fault filing, which is an option in that state. We may remain M for a long time.

When it comes to your worries about OM, it sounds like someone who works in a school should be safe around your children. That would be a huge concern off my mind. I would probably talk to Ex if I were you, and ask her how she intends to tell the kids so they don't find out by chance.

Best of continued luck with Trumpet 2.0. wink I'll be in the survivor's section, too, even if I'm still M on paper.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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Trumpet

I haven't posted in a while on my own gig or commented on others but will probably be joining you on the other forum as my D inches towards completion every so slowly

On loneliness- its hard. Halloween and going to my former neighoborhood also a FEW blocks away brought back sadness. Sounds like you are doing some good things like getting the running going which is super. I have engaged in some meet ups but have not done a ton with it

Sounds like she is going through a mid life crisis in terms of the transformation with clothes, hair, selfishness etc.....

I would have a hard time with the OM in town scenario and your kids. But as you say, you can't control this and her.

What you can do is continue to be the great dad and take care of yourself.

Is their anger? I see you go to an IC once a month (ditto for me). I spend a good amount of time on the anger portion and try to get through it so i know how best to deal with it. With your sitch, I would also have some built up anger for sure as its natural.

Missing being married is natural....I miss it alot sometimes and I would say more of family/marriage. Otherwise, I don't really miss her too much and sounds like you don't either.

Take care!


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 597
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trumpet Offline OP
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Another 3 mile run in the books. I'm on pace for my Turkey Trot 5K on Thanksgiving.

Had a good cry today. I don't miss EX-WW. It's the emotions that come with the destruction of the marriage and family.

My addiction is part of the divorce soup. I'm owning my shnit, and owning my failures means I feel sorrow over it. I know, indirectly, I've hurt the kids, and that makes the tears flow. Owning this feels right... I'm not perfect, I had/have a big flaw, I'm sorry and apologetic for it, and want to move forward.

I still feel caught in EX-WW's orbit, like I'm still in an plutonian orbit around the supernova of the marriage. I haven't reached escape velocity yet. The thrusters are the GAL's and tough work on myself. Each time I do the hard work, I get a little boost, and I move farther out in the orbit. I'm not ready to be serious with a woman right now - I'm still not 100%, the boosters are still firing intermittently. However, a coffee meet-up? Maybe a concert with someone? I'm ready for that. THAT, my friends, is GAL'ing, and I need it.

I still spend time doing a post-mortem of the marriage. It does help when I focus on my side. I've done too much work on EX-WW's side, and I think I have the basic structure of it... but I get led to dive for more of the 'why's' and 'how's'... cheeseless tunnel, frankly. Gotta stop. Part of achieving escape velocity in my life will be accepting what happened, dropping the rope as we like to say, and walking the other way.

I do find my most productive healing when I focus on how to calm my soul, and my faith life is making the biggest change in that regard.

I'm working on looking ahead to the holidays, and having a plan before the middle of Dec. hits and it sinks in I'll be alone on Thanksgiving, xmas, and new years... EX-WW has kids all three days. Yes, it's unfair. Yep, that's life. Big boy pants time. I will have them all three days next year.


M46, EXWW46
M15 T17
D20, S19, D13
M - Addiction since 1998
W EA/PA #1 2013/2014
W EA #2 June 2015...
BD 1 Big D talk 9/15
BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15
Served D 1/22/16
Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 449
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Originally Posted By: trumpet


I worry about the effects on the kids, the development of the OM in town and possible future relationship with my kids, but I can't control it. I just get to choose how I react and respond.

Advice? Comments? Let me know. I'd love to hear from people.


If this is the OM that contributed and participated in the destruction of yours and your kid's family, the kids should be made fully award of his presence locally.

They already have one wayward parent so, in contradiction and as a way of compensating for such, you should be the parent that will ALWAYS be honest and transparent with them. No secrets.

They are victims of OM's choices and behavior. They should know that and then be free to choose whether or not they want to have any relationship with him in the future with full knowledge.

Sure your ex might not like that but you are in charge of your "honest" household so she can get bent all she wants at her house.

Affair relationships always end eventually so it won't last forever anyway but, for the time being, telling your kids will allow them to protect themselves in the event OM is some kind of predator. Men who pursue married women with small children are statistically much more likely to be predators than the general population. Honest information helps protect children who may be naive otherwise. It's also a teaching moment. They don't have to like OM but they still need to be respectful of their mother and her (hurtful) choices.


The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
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