Both of my sons have established their schooling in my town and now that XW and OM have purchased a home (along with his two girls) I'm convinced that it's only a matter of time before she tries to get them out of the school in my town (one of the top 3 in the state, top 20 in the country) and into hers so that "they can go to school with their new 'sisters' and live as a family."
Scared out of my mind. I'm being phased out
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
MVG - Don't be scared. Did you have an attorney who handles your divorce? Check with him/her about these latest developments. You have 50/50 custody correct? And your kids have already established in your school district? In general, absent any other considerations, its very common to courts to look favorably on stability. Chin up. You have just as much say in this as your XW. Don't forget that.
So MVG - I get the fear - I really do. I live in a 50/50 no-fault state - and while I have have my daughters a majority of the time (which is what XH wanted), every time he hints at a job change or some other move, I feel that fear it's a prelude to change in custody. So - I've felt the fear.
You have a 50/50 agreement and a signed divorce agreement. The fact that your XW has purchased a house and now has potential step siblings that probably will live with them do not seem like compelling reasons to change a custody agreement - your attorney can give you a better idea about the family court judges in your area.
You are doing the right things, establishing yourself as Den Leader, asst. coach etc. Look for opportunities to volunteer at their school as well - get to know their teachers etc.
Your XW may very well try to set up OM's daughters as their "sisters". That's not the worst thing in the world, MVG. And new "sisters" do not equate to a new "dad".
I hear you mvg. Divorce laws are insane. It's so common for an XW to break their vows and destroy a family, pack the kids up in the car, move them into a house with another man, limit the father's access to the point that it's a shell of a relationship, then demand that the LBH has to work double time for many years to support both households to offset 'burden' of raising the kids more of the time. You are right to be scared. It's a twisted world.
And it's infuriating. I remember how angry I was in preparation of the social services interviews that would determine our parental time. It still blows my mind. XW pulls the plug and not only is my ability to live full time with my kids unilaterally destroyed immediately, I then have to charm a cobra to get to 50%.
When Raliced is giving advice on how to play the game to work your way into the school it just galls me. I'm not saying it's a bad idea, it just doesn't seem right you shouldn't have to jump through hoops to live with your children. I don't volunteer at my kids' schools, I don't know their teachers names. Of course I'd lose in a PTA popularity contest against XW, she's chumming it up with other single moms over starbucks coffee exchanging victim single mom stories, meanwhile I am supporting two households working a full time corporate sales job while also doing everything XW used to do in terms of running my home, cooking for kids, laundry, bills, car tabs, grocery shopping, while XW still hasn't gotten a job.
I can only say two positive things.
First of all, it worked out for me. I have 50/50. It's been going on 3 weeks now. It is life changing. Anyone that hasn't lived through years of watching kids grow up through the lens of every other weekend based on someone else's decision might struggle to understand my distaste for our US family law and our divorce culture. But in the end the call was made and now I've got my kids. While it's not living with them with a wife and their mother, at least I am their dad. There is no doubt about it. And while I don't know their teachers, I know my kids. They are eating healthy food, at the kitchen table, playing chess, reading books on their own now, and our charades and pictionary battles are legendary. While I am still anxious, overwhelmed, and battling depression with the financial strain put on me by this injustice of this financial settlement, somehow I will get through. I have my kids.
And finally, let me make the point that prompted me to respond (I tried to validate and got myself worked up a bit ). No matter what happens you will be able to look in the mirror and know you did right. MVG, there are many injustices in this world. There are people that serve sentences for crimes they didn't commit. There are people who lose family to a texting driver. There are people who live in countries where laws and conditions make loss a common experience. Bottom line, the world isn't fair, and it's pretty brutal. But you're not a victim. You're just human, and suffering is what's on the menu while you walk the planet. In the end even if XW didn't leave you, you would encounter loss in some way at some point. There is no avoiding the suffering. All you can do is play your cards in the way you believe best, and take some comfort in the decisions you've made. In the grand scheme of things what's happening to me or you is pretty trivial, we can deal with it for a few decades until death takes us as long as we have our character.
I know when I have to take a cosmic view of things to cope that they're pretty awful, so I'm sorry you're dealing with this. But be strong and you'll get through. Play the game for your kids. Let them grow up with a warped view of normal because you don't have a choice. Breathe deeply, and make sure that when they look at your conduct and morals they learn something that might help them not be selfish entitled destructive dip$hits.
That is all.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
When Raliced is giving advice on how to play the game to work your way into the school it just galls me. I'm not saying it's a bad idea, it just doesn't seem right you shouldn't have to jump through hoops to live with your children. I don't volunteer at my kids' schools, I don't know their teachers names. Of course I'd lose in a PTA popularity contest against XW, she's chumming it up with other single moms over starbucks coffee exchanging victim single mom stories, meanwhile I am supporting two households working a full time corporate sales job while also doing everything XW used to do in terms of running my home, cooking for kids, laundry, bills, car tabs, grocery shopping, while XW still hasn't gotten a job.
Zues- quite frankly - this is the type of comment that has caused me to limit my time on these boards, and in particular avoid any threads that you visit - given their frequently misogynistic tone.
I'm not advising anyone to "play a game". MVG says that he is feeling frightened - and I am merely suggesting that instead of feeling like a victim , that he get out there and do some tangible things that will probably not only make him feel better but potentially help his situation.
And I'm not sure how getting to know your kid's teachers is ever a bad idea, divorce or not.
MVG- While, I don't know the particulars of your state/location, I maintain, having read your threads, that there is a great deal of positive in your situation in regards to maintaining 50/50. I repeat - keep your chin up and focus on doing things that help your case. Good luck.
First of all, dad can never be phased out. My biggest most awful fear when my ex left me for OW and married her was me being phased out as mom. My daughter was a baby, not even a year. it was just me and her, then the 3 of them. I thought she would grow up thinking that OW was her mom.
No way, man. We don't have 50/50, I get majority, but either way, my daughter has always known who mom was and always will be. There is no phasing a loving parent out. So try to shake that thought the best you can.
Now, you are absolutely speculating that this is your W's plan. Did she say as much? I do not think there is any reason for your to lose 50/50. Especially given all you do for them already and their involvement in their lives. You say the courts favor the mom. But the courts actually favor the kids. Especially when you have established so much. Gaining it in the first place might be difficult, but you've got it, and I don't think losing it will be so easy.
You're the mom, you will never ever be phased out. You have much more legal protection than a father.
I don't see myself ever losing 50/50, but what I do anticipate her doing is trying to move the kids from their current school district where I live, to that of her new house with OM.
I pray that you're right, the courts favoring the kids.
Hanging in the for sure...it's hard as hell.
Raliced, I'm friends with most of the parents in S5 class (I went to school myself with most of them as we're in the town I grew up in) The teachers all know me by first name and I've been an active member of the town for almost 30 years...that much I have. My friend who is an attorney in my state constantly reminds me that here, the courts favor the mom...regardless of the affair. My lawyer told me that my XW could have "had sex with OM in my bed, in front of me with a smile on her face" and the courts would still favor her. So yea.....
Zues, You are absolutely right. I sleep very well at night knowing that I am making the right choices. My moral compass hasn't budged and i don't ever see it doing so. My kids are polite, kind and respectful. They need at least one parent to instill those values.
Thanks all.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
). No matter what happens you will be able to look in the mirror and know you did right. MVG, there are many injustices in this world. There are people that serve sentences for crimes they didn't commit. There are people who lose family to a texting driver. There are people who live in countries where laws and conditions make loss a common experience. Bottom line, the world isn't fair, and it's pretty brutal. But you're not a victim. You're just human, and suffering is what's on the menu while you walk the planet. In the end even if XW didn't leave you, you would encounter loss in some way at some point. There is no avoiding the suffering. All you can do is play your cards in the way you believe best, and take some comfort in the decisions you've made. In the grand scheme of things what's happening to me or you is pretty trivial, we can deal with it for a few decades until death takes us as long as we have our character.