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Originally Posted By: sandi2
A lot of women want to live the single life and keep a foot in the M, too. They want the best of both worlds. We call it cake eating. They usually want all the advantages they had in the M, without the disadvantages. You know, like enjoying family times together. Doing things "as a family".......and of course, it's always "for the sake of the kids". No, it's for the sake of the WW! Everything is about her. She will still want to rule the roost, and partake in family events, maybe even have her time to cry on your shoulder when things don't go like she thought they would, or she'll expect you to run over ever times she beckons...........you know, kind of like she is still playing the role of your W, but she's not really.


Sandi, what you described is what my WW envisions as "amicable co-parenting." Even though she's knee-deep in our divorce proceedings, she still goes out to dinner with my son and I and we drive together to his baseball games. She's getting half my paycheck for alimony and child support, yet she demands that I pay for various things up front.

Maybe you can come over to my thread to help me strategize the best way to steer this to my advantage?


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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Two things:

1) Set your boundaries, but where possible, try to frame them as being about you. Otherwise, it looks like you're trying to control them, and what they want is to be safe and feel like they're in control of their desire to be with you. That's one half of what the detachment is for: you accept that you can only work on you, and let them decide what they will do for them. Communicate positively, try to figure out what it is they really want, and do your best to reflect that in your personality and behaviors... but never ever bring it up. Just do it.

2) I absolutely feel for you. I lost 40 lbs in a month. I still have trouble eating sometimes. I developed a terrible cough and sickness. It's the most stress you'll probably ever have. Let the bad thoughts shift around, but don't become a slave to them. GAL hard. That's the best thing you can do right now. You won't be able to do it all the time, and you're going to cry, rage, scream, and feel like the world is the most unfair thing in the world, because now you *know* what you should have been doing, and it's only fair you get one more chance... but the world isn't fair. You have to earn that chance. And, oddly, the only way to earn it is by not trying to earn it at all. Be the you she married, but better, more empathetic, and more ready to never, ever hurt the object of your love again.

Sandi has great advice. She is telling you from the perspective of a former WW. You need to be tough, but you don't get to be controlling. Had I run into her advice from the start and been willing to listen, I know my situation would have had a much greater chance of success than it currently does.

Don't lose hope, but know when to throw in the towel, too. You can't go on pining for reconciliation forever, and that's why you GAL.

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Thank for your reply Sandi2,

What I mean by active EA is currently I don't believe they are communicating feelings toward another. Believe me, I'm not naive enough to think it can't or won't go that direction. I understand and agree with your point about boundaries and I've been thinking about that a lot. I don't have any consequences at this point other than to go the divorce route and I'm not ready to decide that yet.

I've been planning out how this will go and again, I realize all your points Sandi2. My W will be staying with the kids and there will be visitation guidelines. They are young enough that they can't be left alone, so she will not be experiencing a lot of freedom. In fact, she will experience a lack of freedom with me not there.

I am not and will not be a pushover. She wants to go this route, so she will carry the burden. Even though I'm not out of the house yet I have reduced communication to only what is necessary. I'm confident, decisive and positive when around her. She has inquired as to my housing arrangements and I've been vague and she is bothered by this. Well, sorry, where I live isn't your concern is it??

As stated a few posts above, I am goal setting and focused on GAL as priorty one.

Am I on track here?

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I got to the forum too late....I didn't move out and the relationship was already toast after 11 years and she was not willing to do anything. DB'ing did nothing

I will only say be careful on the moving out piece just from a legal standpoint. It can hurt you if this doesn't work out in the long run .....

Maybe she just does need space and you both can reconnect. Some therapy is just not good these days as I went thru it. I did have a friend who went thru the emotionally focused therapy together which helped them reconnect.

Good luck to you!


_________________________
Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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Thanks for chiming in jazzy1. Good stuff. I've been talking some of this through with a friend. For now, I'm in a good spot and hope I can hang on to my current frame of mind. At first I was feeling sorry for myself and desperate. Now, I see all the things she has done wrong. I can only take ownership of my stuff and yes, things I did were hurtful. But, she has issues that she needs to address. I wholeheartedly want my MR to work, but not with an unwilling partner that hasn't made any changes. I hope she sees that and can use the "space" she is requesting to work on herself. If she works half as hard as I am going to we could have one awesome marriage.

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What are you hoping to gain by moving out?

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Quote:
What I mean by active EA is currently I don't believe they are communicating feelings toward another.


Is this the same guy she had an EA with, once before? The fact he is M and told her he was happy she would be "available" and wanted to see her, should be a big red flag.

Anywho..........if you will listen and to take to heart what I am about to suggest, I think it could work in a couple of ways. She thinks you are going to want to reconcile and expects you to be offering to take her out and do things as a family. In other words, she plans to eat large servings of cake. I believe you should completely throw her plans for a loop.

The one thing she doesn't expect is to see you "enjoy" life without her. Every time she sees you, you are in a hurry to get somewhere for unexplained "plans". You never have time for her, anymore! Even when she calls, you don't seem too broken up or lonely. You seem as if you are very contented, living as a single guy. The kids come home talking about the great time they had with daddy and how happy he was. She wonders what is going on. So, she starts asking questions about where he's going, who with, (especially who with). She gets frustrated b/c she doesn't get a clear answer with details (especially details). She tries buttering up, pouting, crying, giving a cold shoulder, and showing her anger........but nothing works. She starts trying to find out from others what you are doing.

Now, this may sound like nothing more than games to you, but I assure you that there is one thing all WW's have in common. Actually there are many things, but my point is that they see themselves as dumping the H. They don't consider he might dump her. They never see him being the one to get over her and adjust so happily to single life. And one thing for certain, she never intended for her position to be replaced!! The one thing that usually never fails to be seen in a woman is when she realizes she is about to lose her H........she won't be ready. And the double whammy is for her to realize SHE put him on the market. It turns everything around for her. She is suddenly very interested and when she sees he isn't particularly interested in getting quickly back with her.......SHE WANTS HIM!

Here is what I want you to understand clearly. I am not telling you to date other women. I am telling you to get your calendar down and pencil in every weekend, holiday, special occasion, and the days in between. Have something planned if it's nothing more than going to the mall, library, park, or for a walk. It is key that you not share it with her. Never tell her a lie or give some fable excuse. Just don't give her the information she's trying to dig out of you.........and she will try. This is called being mysterious, like MWD says in her DR book. It piques the interest in your W. She won't tell you, so that is why I am telling.

Let her wonder what you are doing. The more she is interested in you, the less she is interested in OM. Am I telling you to be deceitful? No, you really do need to GAL, b/c it will do wonders in restoring your confidence and mental attitude. It helps with the depression and loneliness. It helps you to not spend every waking moment thinking about the situation.

Before I go any further, I want to know what you think about what I've said, and if you aren't sure about something...please say so.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Sandi, awesome reply. I'd really appreciate it if you'd have a look at my thread?
I have some questions regarding interactions with my wife.


M 10, T 18
M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6
EA: Oct 12
ILYBINILWY: Jan 15
BD: Aug 15
Separated: Sep 15
Miss you: Jun 16
Aug 16: Dating (!)
Oct 16: Selfishness returns...
currently: disgusted
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Thanks again Sandi2.
I'm with you 100%. Once I chased the "poor me" feelings away, I started thinking about exactly what you describe. However, my motivation is slightly different. I was having a conversation earlier with a trusted confidant and what I said was, "I'm going to make me the best me possible. As a side effect of that it will drive my W mad and she will pursue me."

I feel it is really important to portray a positive attitude during this (and really at all times). My W is questioning her love for me. If I act mopey and needy it prove to her I am a poor choice. But also, long term I will be happier if I adopt a positive attitude.

I also agree Sandi2 that I can not be deceitful. A strong H has integrity and is a man of his word.

In regards to the EA - same one as before. I know it is dangerous.

Thanks again to everyone who is helping me out. It is really improving my mood and helping me to know that this will work out with or without my W.

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Originally Posted By: tjcran
A strong H has integrity and is a man of his word.


Good for you! Always take the high road even when others don't.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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