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Detaching is not about giving up on her. It is focusing on you and making yourself better and more attractive. Go back and read the threads on detaching. Make improvements for yourself and in turn if your W sees those improvements then you may have a chance of attracting her back.


H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6
S-9,8,8,6,4
S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15
EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16
PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16
XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16
Finally moving forward...
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Okay, maybe i got the meaning of detaching wrong. I thought detach meant to detach my emotions from her. So i'd be less needy, reactive and always thinking of her.

I have been doing things for myself and she has just recently mentioned that she has been looking at me. (She voluntered that information - i didnt ask).

I guess there are a few things i want to do, one of them is something during our M she would never let me do. get a tattoo on my forearm ~ Thoughts? Its something i want but its something she never wanted me to have. Am i just giving her more t spew if i went ahead and did it anyway?


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Jan 2016
Posts: 177
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Originally Posted By: Natus


I guess there are a few things i want to do, one of them is something during our M she would never let me do. get a tattoo on my forearm ~ Thoughts? Its something i want but its something she never wanted me to have. Am i just giving her more t spew if i went ahead and did it anyway?



IDK, this doesn't seem to fall into a DB category. Doesn't really seem like a 180 or GAL to me. Are you wanting to do this to get a reaction from W? Do you think this is something to make you happy? Will this be a + or - to you R? I'm not saying don't get the tattoo, but I don't see how it will benefit your sitch, unless it is something that you feel will be for you and irrelevant to your W, even then....

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Hi Cutebot, i guess its really just a want that i've had for awhile. In all likely hood if i went ahead with it it would not sit well with W. With the way thing have been going i guess i was thinking along the lines of if she doesnt want to be my W then she doesnt get a say. Kinda just my way of saying F*** it.

I just wanted to get some thoughts from you guys because i can be quite impulsive. I suppose i can save it for when its really over.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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Posts: 436
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Ok, i need to make pledge somewhere and here should be good. I have not been able to go a week without ending up in R talk or reacting. (Although shes has given me plenty to react about these last few weeks).

As of today, no R talks, no reacting, just detach,, DB and do me and my son.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
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Originally Posted By: Natus
Okay, maybe i got the meaning of detaching wrong. I thought detach meant to detach my emotions from her. So i'd be less needy, reactive and always thinking of her.

I have been doing things for myself and she has just recently mentioned that she has been looking at me. (She voluntered that information - i didnt ask).

I guess there are a few things i want to do, one of them is something during our M she would never let me do. get a tattoo on my forearm ~ Thoughts? Its something i want but its something she never wanted me to have. Am i just giving her more t spew if i went ahead and did it anyway?



I think detaching does mean being less needy and reactive. It means taking ownership of how you handle your feelings. It means not obsessing about things you can't control (like your wife).

It doesn't mean you don't still love your wife or care about her.

It means making yourself an emotionally whole and healthy person who chooses to be in a relationship with someone else, instead of a person who needs a relationship to be happy.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
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My suggestion is to stop dwelling on the spanking.
1

Quote:
Im a little confused at my wifes behaviour, light cheery and jovial (with me) during the day then ice queen at night. I know i shouldnt be reading into it much and focus on my DB but it just catches me off guard from time to time
.

I suspect she is trying to get back within your good graces, so that you will believe the EA is over and you will let down your guard.

The coldness at night is usually a woman's way of discouraging the H of expecting any sexual affection.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Nat,

Think of two people tied to each other with 6 feet of actual cord or rope. Where one goes, the other has to follow or struggle. If the rope is cut, each person is free to go where he or she pleases.

The dynamic in these situations is similar, just in an emotional/mental sense.

Detaching means releasing your attachment to your spouse (aka, dropping the rope) and making decisions based on what's best for you in living YOUR life. If you're attached, then whatever she does that you don't like, or doesn't do that you want her to do with you/for, will bring you down and you'll obsess, mope, dwell on your sadness and fear and negative emotions.

So detachment means being pro-active for yourself and accepting the reality that the old marriage is over, and that the more you pursue or pressure the WAS, the more you obsess over what she says and does, and the more you "treasure hunt" by reading into or interpreting what she says and does in a way to feed your expectations that she will re-commit to the marriage, the more miserable, unproductive, and weak you get as an individual.

The best way through this is become more strong and independent because that will benefit you regardless of the outcome with your spouse.

So detachment means honoring her request to move on, accepting the consequences of that decision and how it affects you as an individual, and making your own GAL plans for your social and recreational activities and doing them on your own. It means focusing on growing and getting stronger as an individual.

It doesn't mean not being polite or pleasant in necessary interactions. But it does mean limiting those interactions to only those that are necessary, and only engaging with her further if she requests it, and doing so in a way that you manage your expectations.

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Quote:
Temp checking is her taking action to see if it pushes any buttons to get you to react negatively so she has more excuses to spew all over you and justify why the M will not work.


To me, you are explaining her pushing buttons, which is not the same as temperature checking his emotional attachment. Usually, the H thinks she is "reaching out" or "warming up" or being very "nice" It is her way of testing him, but not by getting him to react negatively. If he misreads any of the above, or her tears or her sexual temptation, or a number of other tricks being some sign that she's coming around.......he's been temperature. He flunks by showing her how emotionally attached he continues to be to her. Once she sees she still holds him in the palm of her hand..........she is through with him, until or unless she wants assurance, again.

Make sense?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandhi, yes that is much more clearer.

Damn though to think they are doing this level of manipulation. I doubted you once thinking now way my W is capable of that and i almost completely quit this forum. After seeing the truth with my own eyes however....i now heed your words despite how much i want to believe its not true.


Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs
23Mar16-BD
9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss.
27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM.
14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation.
24May17-Divorced.
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