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A Message from Michele
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Re: A door closing and another opening... [Re: Sotto] #2669309
04/16/16 12:59 PM
04/16/16 12:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,676
Southern Maryland
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I am relieved and happy to read that your test results came back clear! I'm sure you were very much relieved.

Re: A door closing and another opening... [Re: twinmom] #2669325
04/16/16 01:43 PM
04/16/16 01:43 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,939
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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Massachusetts
Sotto you are the most pro GALer here!!! No worries posting about H ... just remember, how it seems to others isn't always what's really going on ..
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16


“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi
Re: A door closing and another opening... [Re: bttrfly] #2669538
04/17/16 11:18 AM
04/17/16 11:18 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Ah, thanks Guys. You are very kind and it is true that I do a little mind reading, which isn't helpful I know. The other thing I forgot to mention is SS says that H hardly uses the London flat and will probably sell it. It just seems as though he's burning through locations and offloading them when he no longer feels happy there. Oh well.

Anyway, a mini update. Gosh I've had a busy time - Friday bookstore and ladies group all Saturday with drinks out last night. Lunch with parents and coffee with a friend today. Lots of social stuff going on. Lately my calendar starts to spin away a little so I'm being a bit more discerning about invites and making sure I don't get over-tired.

I'm expecting the D to be finalised at any point now really. The door opened for H to do that in late Feb but it hasn't happened as yet due to the financials. But they are sorted a couple of weeks ago now, so I expect to receive the decree absolute in the post at any point. I'm back to watching the post again now. It seems as though I have done that many times in the past couple of years.

A little part of me wonders if it suits H a little for our M to still be 'live' as that may mean no pressure from OW. If he is single, there are no barriers to moving things on - but that's total mind reading on my part. And whenever I post that, the 'waited for' thing arrives the next day anyway! People at my end seem to feel I'm forging ahead and on the home straight. I actually feel my sitch remains pretty central in my life and gets a fair amount of headspace - even if I do many positive moving forward things...

Other than that, all is well. I continue to be thankful for many things and work at appreciating and enjoying the good things in my life, working on myself, reading, learning and so on. Plus much GAL of course. I still don't know that the door is closed at my end, but it is open just the faintest chink really and I feel a gentle pressure for it to close. Not so I can date really - though that might be the only thing that would change. Truly I'm enjoying female company, new friends and new experiences just now. I don't feel in any rush to join myself with anyone. Don't feel I crave that affirmation or am ready to do the necessary 'shuffling over' to have someone in my life.

Enjoying the early spring sunshine this weekend, friends, family and free time.

Take care all xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: A door closing and another opening... [Re: Sotto] #2669547
04/17/16 01:08 PM
04/17/16 01:08 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,676
Southern Maryland
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Sotto,
I think you are very wise in being more selective w/your time (on your calendar).

How are things going? Did you get your car? If so, how do you like it?

Enjoy the spring like weather. I just saw where some of the states are getting snow.

Take care!

Re: A door closing and another opening... [Re: job] #2670627
04/21/16 10:43 AM
04/21/16 10:43 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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Thanks Job. I am enjoying the car and feeling grateful for it (though I did manage to scratch it last week - argh!)

Just a non-update from me really. I've been busy working the past few days and on a course today and tomorrow. Helped out at the new D group one evening and I'm out dining and dancing tonight.

Still not received the decree absolute and radio silence from H. It was funny to receive no response to the nice pic of SS and me I pinged over on impulse. But I just tend to think....well, go figure. In truth, I have little hope for our M and certainly not in the short term and I'm okay with that. I did get a final bill from my L for a few £00s - but was pleased it was 'final.' Will be nice to stop the monthly direct debit and enjoy the extra income now.

Was talking to some D group chums about triggers post break-up. I have a few things I avoid - tv programme we watched together, places we went, our marital home, a meal I was cooking at BD. One of my chums said maybe I should immerse myself and it's not healthy to avoid them. I don't know. I think I still have some minor PSTD-like symptoms. For me, the ongoing symptoms are less of sadness and more of trauma recovery in that I thought I was in an emotionally safe place and that was ripped away. If anyone has any thoughts, I would be grateful to hear.

I'm not sure how I will feel post D. I still think the not dating for 2016 is a good plan. And I partly enjoy the current freedom and time with friends. I do also feel a draw - particularly towards nice guy at work. But I think I'll stick to just friendly for now. I don't think someone deserves to pick me up partially healed you know?

Anyway - best go and get my dancing shoes on & take care all xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: A door closing and another opening... [Re: Sotto] #2670697
04/21/16 02:15 PM
04/21/16 02:15 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 26,676
Southern Maryland
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I'm glad you are enjoying your car...but...oops on the scratch! Is it very noticeable? Maybe you can see the dealer about getting some touch up paint if it's not too deep of a scratch.

I think you are wise to hold off dating for a while. You've got to heal and find your footing first. You have to rediscover yourself and yes, put the old baggage away before allowing someone else into your life.

I'm also glad to read that you are still meeting up w/your D group. They've been a huge support to you and vice versa. Eventually, you will begin to go back to some of the things that you use to do w/you were married, but it's going to take some time for that to happen. They are still very much triggers for you at this time.

Hurray! The lawyer bill is now final and you'll have some $$$ in your pocket from not having to pay him!

I do hope that you enjoy your Friday and the weekend. Do something extra special for yourself. Okay?

Re: A door closing and another opening... [Re: job] #2670813
04/22/16 03:05 AM
04/22/16 03:05 AM
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Sotto - not a lot of time to catch up on your thread, but I see that D is around the corner. Truth is: it's all gonna be ok. Promise.

We D'd in December (solo petition - he filed). I started to dip my toes in the dating scene a couple months before that (after 16 months separation) and continue to dabble. I'm glad I took a time out to discover who I am and realise I feel pretty ok being by myself. But meeting new men has also contributed to my personal growth. If it starts to feel ok then give yourself permission to go there.

Much love, gan xxx

PS Good to see that you are still earning your title of pro-GALer ;-)


H 37 Me 36
Together 15 years
Married 5 years
No kids
BD Apr 2014
H moved out 2 Jun 2014
Re: A door closing and another opening... [Re: gan] #2670836
04/22/16 05:49 AM
04/22/16 05:49 AM
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Hi Sotto. Every new car gets scratched , good job on getting it done and out of the way early !!!!!!

Your insight and honesty with your feelings is , as always , impressive The D is just a piece of paper and not worth worrying about IMHO

Nice guy seems to be getting a bit of headspace and I personally think that's healthy. I'm not suggesting you do anything but at the same time it's good you can see light at the end of the tunnel if you know what I mean

Have a great weekend. Rd. xx

Re: A door closing and another opening... [Re: gan] #2670936
04/22/16 11:36 AM
04/22/16 11:36 AM
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Sotto Offline OP
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Gan, I am glad to hear from you & thanks for stopping by. It's always good when an old friend drops back in and I'm glad to hear you are doing well.

Good for you dipping a toe into the dating scene and not jumping in. Best to enjoy it and continue with your growth - and thanks for the words of wisdom.

Take care xx

RD - always good to hear from you and thanks for the vote of confidence smile Gosh, I'm tired tonight and so no GAL. I had a salsa lesson last night & me & couple of friends are thinking of doing an 8 week course...may be fun?! Off to see a movie tomorrow night.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: A door closing and another opening... [Re: Sotto] #2671241
04/24/16 12:55 AM
04/24/16 12:55 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline OP
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I'm just bringing this comment from V over to my thread from Bluwave's in newcomers. V posted some really helpful advice to Bluwave and this in particular resonated with me.

"The very last thing is that just because your spouse wants out of the M and is having an A to transition out of their M doesn't mean they are in MLC, it means they want out of their M and can be immature within the context of M, unsuitable for M. They want to walk away and are in an interim A to get the support to do so........personality failures indicate that we should run not walk. Seeking MLC as a reason for failure canot hold back posters and the only way to know is to post and receive feedback."

I keep coming back to this line of thought WRT my H. If he were in MLC, I would feel more inclined to keep the door open a tiny chink. However, my doubt in my sitch is that we haven't been married for 20 years and had kids together. He was M before and that didn't work out. And now our M didn't work out. Is he just an immature person who will always struggle with M because he thinks he needs the 'in love' feelings? Should I actually run, not walk?

Yes, there have been MLC signs, the right age, huge weight loss programme, new clothes, fear about depression closing in, much younger OW etc. But I guess this is where I struggle. I can empathise and dig deep if this is MLC. But if he is an immature person and will just go around this loop again, boy I should run a mile.

Hmm, food for thought....xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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