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Hi Gwen, it's good to see a post from you and I'm glad to hear you are doing well. I always felt a bond with you as our BD month was the same and both our H's disappeared off with OW and never (thus far!!) looked back...and plus you sound like a truly lovely woman.

It is so true that MLCers drop their former lives absolutely in many cases - at least as much as they can. Fresh location, fresh person, new family. It is what I need. I met up with a long time friend of XH's recently. I presumed they were still in touch (she has been unwell and through some difficult treatment) and nothing from him - I was astonished.

I do always find the lack of contact with children hard to understand. I know it happens, but I just can't imagine letting that distance come into one's life. It is such a loss.

But the main thing is you and your girls are moving forward and living the best lives you can and credit to you for that. There is a good life to be lived beyond this situation. And I do think living through these painful times is a good path toward that. Not an easy path, but a good one nonetheless. I hope you'll keep posting from time to time Gwen, and let us know how you are doing.

Very best wishes to you all xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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123Gwen Offline OP
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Thanks Job and Sotto for your wise and kind words. This board was my lifeline when I felt simply shattered. It was here that I could listen to others and feel accepted when I couldn't accept myself.

I wish there were more stories of reconciliation. I realize they exist but I also think MWD wrote a chapter on MLC that gently prepared us for a future on our own. It really is the only way to survive. MLC doesn't leave the LBS much to work with and the situation often takes years on the rollercoaster. Not many people can tolerate years of chaos with no end in sight.

While it seems like most MLCer's don't return to their family in a traditional way - Many of us LBS's have grown in ways we never imagined. That GAL becomes kind of a self fullfilling prophecy.

Checking in and reflecting on your stories is a GAL hall of fame!


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
― Maya Angelou



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Hi Gwen, I'm new here but have a feeling that my story will end in a similar fashion as yours. I have an H who seems to care very little about our kids (except when he is between women I think or wants to prove to me that he can still come around because of them). Although I see the ongoing sadness for you, I also see strength. I am hoping to reach a similar resolve and continue to find joy in my life. Best to you and your girls.

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Gwen my love, where are you? Are you ok? xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D Final 12/23/16

"There's something awfully screwy going on around here!"

Walk along the side of the road with a bag & you're gonna end up with a lot of trash!
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Hi bttrfly - I'm ok. Thanks for checking on me. I have not been on the forum probably because I don't have anything encouraging to post. H said he wanted to file for D some months ago. I sent him an email outlining the changes re: our settlement if separation became divorce (life/health insurance, mortgage, etc.) - it makes more $ sense not to divorce but I can't stop him and ask him to let me know if he still wanted to proceed. Waited 2 months - nothing. Sent one more message saying please let me know his decision. Still no response. It is so hurtful to be discarded as nothing. This has been my only attempt at any communication in 8 months. He has sporadically texted our oldest and has sent bday money to both girls. That's it. I don't try to collect $ due for doctor bills for the kids. I do not ask because I don't want to go through being ignored. The feelings it brings up are not worth it. Just posting this feels awful - anyway that is where we are... I have no idea What it means. He lives with OW. He could file anytime and if that happens I will survive. I will not file because it is not in my interest to file and because I believe in the vows and the sacrament.

Am I crazy? I think the man I married no longer exists. The man I married would tell me to run for the hills and take care of the girls. I just don't know if he ever existed anymore.

Sorry butterfly- really 99% of the time I am good. Friends, work - the girls are good. I have created a new life. Still in IC and trying to invest in myself. MLC is no longer the focus but back here it all comes tumbling out. It is a long process but still moving forward.

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Hey, Gwen. Thanks for stopping by at my thread. I see from you post and from your posts on other threads that you are sill hurting over how H ignores you. I know exactly what it feels like... I've been there... I think I've been in this MLC thing for about a couple of years longer than you are. I hope it will get easier for you... I also think that it would help to start thinking about doctor's bills and other money that your H would be still responsible for as a business transaction.

I have a feeling that you are holding too much within... that you are trying so hard to not rock the boat. I understand that you are trying to protect yourself from more disappointments. But, I also think that you just need to ask for what you need (I mean for financial help for your Ds) and have no expectations for the outcome. He might respond... he might not... Until you ask, the answer is going to be NO. But... you never know... and he might respond.

I find it interesting that he didn't pursue any action on the D process. I think there might be some pressure from OW, but he is not so sure anymore. Who knows what is happening in the "paradise"... It might not be a "paradise" anymore after all.

You are not crazy. The man you married still probably exists in there... he keeps some communications with your Ds and even sends some money. He is just in the fog and distress right now.

I am with you in regards to not filing for D. If he really wants it, he can do the work. But, again... it doesn't look like he is anxious to do it.

Keep moving forward, Gwen!


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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Gwen,

I am sorry that your h is ignoring you. It may be his way of using passive-aggressive tactics to annoy you and get you to say something to him so that he has an excuse to say "this is why I'm doing what I'm doing". The best thing to do is to not let him see that it's getting to you. When you ignore their behavior and be the good person that you are, they will eventually come to realize that you aren't going to take their bait.

Bright is right about one thing, you are trying very hard not to rock the boat. If you need financial support for your daughters, then ask for it. They are his children too. Keep your expectations at zero and if he says no, then you won't be disappointed by his response.

I have noticed that some of them won't push for a divorce because their spouses aren't pressuring them for answers, questioning them about where they are in the marriage, etc. However, it appears that the OW isn't pressuring him either at the moment. It's difficult to say how things are over in La La Land w/the OW.

The man you know and love still exists, but that personality has been stuffed way down into his soul for the time being. His hurt inner child has come out to play and until that hurt is resolved, the man you knew will only be seen once in a while. As for keeping up communications with your daughters, this may also be a way to check up on you as well. Even though he ignores you, don't think for one minute he's not thinking about you because he is. They have a way of finding out info about us and one way is through the children.

If he wants a divorce, then he should be the one to do the hard work. For now, sit quietly, the answers will come. As for him ignoring you...it's normal for someone in MLC. They are just selfish and too much into themselves. Keep the focus on you and your daughters and live your life to the fullest.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Quote:
I will not file because it is not in my interest to file and because I believe in the vows and the sacrament.


You should make the decision to file or not strictly on the finances at this point. Do whatever is best for your financial security.

I appreciate your religious vows, but I think you CAN keep those vows if you wish and still be legally divorced if that is what protects you better financially. The divorce is a financial legal thing, it doesn't have to be connected to the spiritual part.

It's a bit surprising that he hasn't filed if the current arrangement benefits you financially more than him; make sure you verify that this is the case.

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123Gwen Offline OP
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It is verified and designed that way. Luckily my state of residence has laws that go beyond no fault divorce. I have seen too many people not tend to business so I got an attorney as soon as I discovered ow.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
― Maya Angelou



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123Gwen Offline OP
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kml and Job - when H left he added an automatic deduction to his account to send $ and emptied out savings. Essentially that continues years later. H just considers it a debt. Rocking the boat could have consequences because my ability to earn a higher salary is limited after decades as a stay at home mother and wife. I keep trying to focus on the bigger picture. No contact seems best because he won't even respond after months of silence. Indifference is the opposite of love. That stings.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
― Maya Angelou



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