(Terry Jones): I think she's dead.

[job]

Welcome back!

Yep, they appear to be happy as larks, but truly, deep down, they are miserable. It's taken a long time for him to finally get to where he is today and have a civil conversation w/you.

Sounds like your daughters are doing well? How is the oldest one doing? Did she return to school?

I can't believe your youngest is almost 15! Time truly has flown by very quickly and that's why we say to live your life to the fullest.

Now...what about you? How are you doing?

[peacetoday]

Glad to hear your update

I suspect many of them if not all MLCer s would report the same over time if they were truly honest

Im glad you could hear the truth from him

Have a good weekend

[HTM]

For those struggling with the adultery and hearing about soulmates and blah, blah, blah... It's not what you think. It's empty and offers only the illusion of a carefree life--Know that. No matter how much they may try to convince you otherwise.

To read of your sitch and especially the timeline is a little daunting for someone who's only 18 months post-BD, though I take comfort in what you say about the OP. From afar the OM in my sitch seems to have it all but on closer inspection: Never married; No children; No contest... my Ss will always be my greatest adventure/achievement.

I'm glad to hear of where you are currently and that with recent ex-H's communication you can finally lay any remaining self-doubt to rest.

[LoisB]

Thanks everyone :-)

Hi Job,

I'm doing fairly awesome... something I never thought I'd say post-divorce.

Gaining some clarity on how God protected me with Matt's leaving. I now have the life I dreamed about so, so many married years. I live in a place I've loved since I was a kid. I work from home. I'm good at what I do. Have a season pass to the Biltmore and live 10 minutes from the Blue Ridge Parkway if I ever need a little reminder of what God's about. Something about these really old mountains has been healing for all of us. We give them personalities and feel like they are watching over.

Oldest D is 23 now and finding her way. She has the most baggage from her dad. She seems to be getting to some closure in her own way. She has dated two addicts now... but, has broken it off with both after being mistreated. Hasn't gone back to school, but lives in her own place and has a job she rocks at the YMCA--was named employee of the quarter. Is something of a Yoga expert, and worked as a whitewater river guide. She is figuring things out in her own time, and I've gotten out of her way. She lives about 10 minutes away, so I'm here if she needs me.

Youngest is AMAZING. She doesn't have as much baggage because she was nine when it all went down. With my youngest, I can see how living away from her dad has been a good thing. He always struggled with her As diagnosis, and never offered the support or patience she needed. He reacted with a short temper and emotional abuse. Today, she is full of self-confidence and definitely her own person.

Weird thing... I'm maybe most proud that I kept all our pets with us. Life exploded and I could've easily given them up due to circumstances. But, all our Ohio brood is still together and our little band of misfits are now Mountain Misfits.

Job, hope you are well. Much LOVE to YOU!

[bttrfly]

This. You. Heather, you're nothing short of a power of example. I'm in awe and I'm hopeful that someday I will feel the sense of peace you clearly have earned.

Much love.

Don't be a stranger xoxoxoxo

[LoisB]

Thanks B ;-)

You will get here. And, we will have a party!

Four things-

So many moments brought me to this point, but here are three that seem to stick with me--

1. I really drew strength from women like Job, Bea, Shining and so many more, who took their lives from pain and chaos to calm and steady. My goal was a peaceful life. Conflict-free is the goal--only a man offering energy recharge, as opposed to depletion is worth it.

2. I read this book about the journey from abandonment. It was a game changer. She writes that the key to surviving abandonment is to create a life that's better than the one you had before you were left in the dark. It kinda puts things into perspective during the grieving process. Yep, I was profoundly rejected, BUT... I've created a life I love and would I switch this life with the old one? NOT A CHANCE. The girls actually made a list about what a dream life would look like. My youngest and I made a series of vision boards--we'd achieve a bunch-and make a new one. We chose, together, where we wanted to live.

3. My H was one of those that went AWOL. While we struggled to eat and pay bills and make repairs on our home, he was living like a college student. He went months without seeing our girls. At one point, after he hadn't seen them in like 6 months, we ran into someone we knew, who told me how they had just seen Matt at a pig roast the weekend before--only a few miles from our home. My girls heard this and their faces went white. My old life was dead. And, hearing about their dad being so close--it was heartbreaking--one of a million heartbreaks. It was a turning point. I needed to look ahead and leave this dead dream I was still stuck in. If he really wanted to be with us, to make changes, to become the man our girls deserved--he would need to come to them. He would have to make the effort--only then would they see they are worth it.

4. Treat it like a death. Grieve him like you would if you were a widow. I actually changed my FB status to Widow, then opened a new page and left the old one as a sort relic. For my kids, their dad died. We all had to grieve the loss. Oldest D has created a new relationship, where she is very clear that he hasn't earned the right to give parental advice... yet. She went hiking a few weeks ago, and told her dad because you know the drill--you have to let three people know where you are headed--he told her, "Tell your mom." Big D responded, "Um Dad, no, don't think you are first on the list. Mom already knows. She comes first--you haven't earned that yet."

I fought hard for my marriage--harder than he deserved. And, I still think marriage is a sacrament and families should remain intact. However, I couldn't force someone to make changes, to be something other than he was. His choice. If someone chooses to leave, disengage, let them. There's only one Heather and he isn't married to her anymore. Poor sap.

[LoisB]

P.S. I still love him and will always hold that bit of hope he will get the help he needs and can be a part of our family again in some way. He is family. And, I've given myself permission to accept this--it's okay to still love him. As long as I don't allow him to disrupt my life. And, he won't stop me from any future relationships with someone deserving.

[leahsue]

Wow, Lois, you are an inspiration. I love your confident strength. I needed to see this today. I'm going to attempt to go back and read your threads, although this has been a challenge to me as to how to find old threads when posters change the titles and if there's not a link in each one to the previous one.
I know we can't name books on here, but can you hint somehow at the book you refer to about abandonment? I'd love to read it.
Thanks for posting your update. I hope I can find your old threads.

[LoisB]

If you Google, it's a journey.

[ottocat]

LoisB I read the threads all the time and have followed great folks like Job for years. In fact--she was one of the first to explain this mess called MLC to me! And I continue to read her replies and those of some of other wise ones! Anyhow wanted you to know that I think you and I are neighbors if you are close to Biltmore--etc. I live about 15 minutes from the entrance of the Estate---and was a passholder for a long time but now that I work from home and am so busy just have not kept the passes up. But enjoyed reading your posts. Maybe one day we can connect! Best wishes---Ottocat