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Great post Thornton, filling yourself up with your own esteem and self love is the greatest gift you can give yourself out of your sitch. It also replaces 99% of the pain you're going through.

I few months ago I was describing how I feel now to a woman in her early twenties, she's also very straightforward. I said, "I was a shell in my M, but I had a full heart, or so I thought. Now I am full everywhere except for a hole where my heart is, but that hole is slowly closing."

She took a long pause and said, "So you're a donut?"

Ha! Yes. Here's to you becoming your own donut Thornton. There is so much more to you than just who your partner is. Your on a journey to recover your soul from where ever it was in your M, and the feeling of knowing yourself, loving yourself, and realizing your worth is amazing. Keep at it, even on the days when the donut whole feels like it's your whole life.

PP


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Served 9/15
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Thornton,

You sound really good today. That makes me happy. You truly have a great grasp of this DB'ing - the real purpose. Focusing on yourself and being the best version of you. Keep it up - you've grown so much in the short month I've been posting. I can't wait to catch up to you :-)!

And, I love Pigpen's donut comparison. It is so true. Some days the hole isn't as noticeable and there are days it's overwhelming. Seems like you are well on your way to closing the hole.

Have a great day!


M 44 H 46
M 20yrs T 25 yrs
S15 S12

ILYBINILWY 7/18/15
Move to MBR 9/8/15
Physical Separation 10/10/15
Suspect A 8/2015
Confirm A 12/27/15
D filed by H 2/2/16
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Thanks guys!

I'm sure I'll feel down again in the near future. But I'll keep on keepin' on.

Thanks so much for the support.

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PigPen, I absolutely love your Donut analogy! And broke is so spot on that some days the hole isnt noticeable - heck some moments they aren't noticeable, and then there are moments and days where it just hits you. Everyday I'm guaranteed to feel the void, the longing and the hole at some point. But I really am seeing growth in you and in all of us.


"Be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyways."
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Great to hear T. Happy you are in a good place today. When one is happy it brightens all of our days because we see that there is hope either way. The panic you felt at home will be gone for me shortly too after W moves out. Then it's a whole new can of words.


Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.

Me-50 WAW-45
S13
Married 24 years
Bomb 1-Jan.2008
Disc. EA
She came back for 8 years
Bomb 2-Jan-2016
Separation 3-12-2016
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Originally Posted By: Thornton
I think I am finally starting to detach.

I've had so much time to sit and analyze my situation to death. And I've realized some things. The only time W was as much into me as I was into her was in the honeymoon phase of our relationship.

I can look back now with some clarity and see that I had idolized her. I put her up on that pedestal and devalued myself. I'm not saying W is a bad person, I'm saying it was me that lost myself in this R. And I need to own that because no one controls me except me.

I've also looked back and noticed some discrepancies. Things that W told me that turned out to be fibs. I'll spare you the details, but it's crazy how distance can create clarity.

W really wasn't saint that I thought she was. She is flesh and blood like anyone else and has flaws like everyone else. She just made me feel so good about myself, she was my self esteem.

I'm realizing now, that self esteem can only come from within me.

W left me and I felt completely and totally lost. I didnt have my own identity. My identity was as W's partner and father to our kids.

Very slowly, I'm learning to be ok by myself. I still miss W and having her companionship but to be able to not experience panic 24x7 while she is gone, is a godsend.

I'm so thankful for the things I have in my life. My family, my job, my friends, all my DB family, my IC, and for another day.

Keep the faith and keep putting one foot in front of the other.




I feel you brother. I finally feel like I am doing OK. Still have my fears, and things that pop up, but things are starting clear up.

I also idolized my W, and still do with the same clarity you speak of. We are all just sacks of meat, with some skin and bone to hold it all together. She is still an amazing person who lost her way in her whole life not just with me. Our relationship was like a see saw. She was way more into me in the first 8 years than I into her, and me into her in the last 7 that she was me.

It is awesome to hear about you rebuilding your identity. We are all on this journey together. I stopped my routines, and finally I am getting back to them. I felt like I didn't deserve to do the things I did with the W, by myself. Don't feel bad about doing things with the kids that you did as a family, this wasn't your choice to not be a family any longer. I was very weak for a few months and let my relationship with my nephew go a little by the wayside and I am rebuilding that too. You have a whole element I do not and that is your kids need you a lot more than my nephew needs me. You have a lot of strength as a parent, because you have to.

Thumbs up!


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R: 15 years
M: 7 years
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Sounds like you are on the right track Thornton. I have the same issue of holding my WW up above me. Finding that my life was WW and kids. Now it is just S13.

With regard to WW I am slowly learning what you are realizing much more quickly. I envy you for that, but in time I will get there as well. It is S13 that really is my last linkage and while I believe I could move forward from WW, I also feel that S13 keeps me bound to WW. Rather a vicious circle.

I am glad you are completing the phases and stepping forward. I can hear that rope passing through your hands.


Me 41
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M 2013
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Confirm A 1/16
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Hey Thornton, I would like your feedback on my last posted question. Could you give a look when you get a chance. Thanks man.


Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.

Me-50 WAW-45
S13
Married 24 years
Bomb 1-Jan.2008
Disc. EA
She came back for 8 years
Bomb 2-Jan-2016
Separation 3-12-2016
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Just checking in, Thornton. You must be out GAL'ing tonight! Hope you had a good one!


M 44 H 46
M 20yrs T 25 yrs
S15 S12

ILYBINILWY 7/18/15
Move to MBR 9/8/15
Physical Separation 10/10/15
Suspect A 8/2015
Confirm A 12/27/15
D filed by H 2/2/16
Joined: Nov 2013
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I'm here! I had DivorceCare class tonight. I was feeling pretty down after work but better now. 😊

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