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Originally Posted By: Don1703
I know and realize every Sitch is different but I'm just curious on the people that had a successful turn around from the spouse when detaching. How long did it take? I gotta be honest one day feels like a lifetime.


I, like you, was seeking the silver bullet to my WW's A. But it doesn't exist. There's no fixed timeline. I've seen a post that it takes a month for every year you've been married. Perhaps. If you push her into recovery it may end up being a false recovery, like mine.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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Thanks CWOL. I had my first coaching session last night with a DB coach. I have to say I was very pleased with the feedback I received. It really give me hope that this will work out. I know it will not be overnight but small steps. I can't thank everyone enough for the support I have gotten from this group.

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Hi Don, what are the ages of you and wife? Can you give us a little more information about the MR? Did you attend marriage counseling after the first A, or how did you cope and work things out afterwards?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Sandi,
First let me say Thank You. Your steps to detaching have helped so much within a short time frame.

My Wife and I are both 29 with two kids. We did not attend counseling after the first A. That was probably a mistake on my part but I have a belief that if you aren't doing something right then someone will take your place. I know it's not the best belief but I'm just being honest. I feel after the First A I put most or all on the blame on myself. When I found out she was very apologetic and I gave in immediately and said we can work it out. Looking back I now realize that not seeking professional help has put me to the position I'm in now. While I thought I moved on and got past it easily I see that I've held resentment towards her. We never really recovered. I thought I did and we had another child. We've been together since we were 16 (high school sweethearts). The MR was great in the beginning but with our careers and kids and finances we lost track. The divorce rate in our profession is 75%.

The last few days I've really reflected on everything as a whole and the latest EA was because I settled in a state of things are ok but we still fought and argued a lot. Which I feel drove her to talk to someone else.

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Originally Posted By: Don1703
The last few days I've really reflected on everything as a whole and the latest EA was because I settled in a state of things are ok but we still fought and argued a lot.
Which I feel drove her to talk to someone else.

So you are telling me that because you fought a lot that was why she had an affair?

I guess I must disagree.
Fighting in a marriage is OK,
it is how you make up.

What were you fighting about?
Her affair?

So your communications was bad,
I think that was the problem.


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Sorry what I meant was I guess by not seeking professional help with the first A I settled into everything was ok but didn't show her the attention or communicate well at all. I don't necessarily think because we fought she had an A. I agree with you 100 % the communication was bad. We fought about everything not long fights I would just get an attitude towards her.

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Quote:
That was probably a mistake on my part but I have a belief that if you aren't doing something right then someone will take your place. I know it's not the best belief but I'm just being honest. I feel after the First A I put most or all on the blame on myself.


Are you in the entertainment field?

Quote:
We've been together since we were 16 (high school sweethearts). The MR was great in the beginning but with our careers and kids and finances we lost track.


Young love can turn into mature love, but not without some growing pains.....IMHO. At sixteen, you both had a lot of growing up left to do. What I discovered in my own situation was that the individual people change, and you will either grow up together or you will grow apart as a couple. Neither of you are the same as you were at sixteen. In a coule of decades, you will see that you are still changing. Changes in life causes us to change as a person. Just getting old can present a lot of changes within itself. So a couple will experience different stages in their relationship together.

I went through a period where I actually grieved for the young man I had loved and M. I still miss him, and I know he will never return. I will either love this man he has become, or be unhappy and have strife. Lord knows, I am not the same as I was at eighteen! If my H thought I wasn't good enough and he should replace me..........he would be right, however, in growing up you also learn that replacing for a newer model isn't always the solution. Some things just can't beat the original. wink

Today I see so many young families who are consumed with busy lives. Couples are too busy with careers and activities with their children. There is no time just for the two of them. When there's no time, then someone's emotional needs are not going to be met and then other issues arise. Marriage seems to be more challenging these days.

I hope you will stick with us. Don't give up.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: Don1703
I know and realize every Sitch is different but I'm just curious on the people that had a successful turn around from the spouse when detaching. How long did it take? I gotta be honest one day feels like a lifetime.
A little over 6 months, and I believe my sitch was one of the faster ones. I didn't start "getting" DBing until 3-4 months in, which is when I truly started reaching detachment and internalizing the changes.

The thing to remember is that yes, every sitch is different. No, having a timeframe in your mind of turnaround will not be beneficial to you at all, because it could lead to frustration.

You have plenty of work to do, once you clear your mind a bit, to occupy your time.


M: 8.5 T:10
Me:37 W:34 S:6

Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15
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Squiggy is one of the lucky ones. I had a little downtime today so I went into the older threads (from 2 years ago, i.e. 2014) and followed them to their conclusion (if they were not abandoned by the poster who started the thread).
Sadly, I would say 90% of the threads end up with a divorce in their signature. I think it's the fate of most of us here, by the time we end up on this forum our M is in distress and there is very little chance to pull it back from the brink.
It kind of made me sad but I think it's a dose of reality for us newbies to grapple with these types of statistics. It might make it easier to Detach.


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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Originally Posted By: CWOL
Sadly, I would say 90% of the threads end up with a divorce in their signature. I think it's the fate of most of us here, by the time we end up on this forum our M is in distress and there is very little chance to pull it back from the brink.


I was wondering this myself….definitely makes me sad.


M 44 H 46
M 20yrs T 25 yrs
S15 S12

ILYBINILWY 7/18/15
Move to MBR 9/8/15
Physical Separation 10/10/15
Suspect A 8/2015
Confirm A 12/27/15
D filed by H 2/2/16
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