Painter- I have told everyone I WILL NEVER DEPEND ON ANYONE again. Ever. Ever never. Ever.
Txhubby- I'm trying to stop the cake eating but I'm not sure what else To do to stop it? I know I'm better then a back up. I would move heaven and earth to make my man happy ( any man I'm with.) and that's what I want. I want someone to put as much effort into me as I seem to put into everyone else. I am the master of my own fate.
Pink- I know you always come from a place of caring . I know everyone here tells me what I need to know and hear and not what I want to hear. You guys wont baby me or make me be pathetic. You guys all will be tough love and tell me to get my crap together. Thats what I need in my life or else I know myself and how I would be.
I've had SO MANY PEOPLE tell me how strong I'm being and they are amazed with how well I'm handling my life. They just don't see the hot mess version of me that you guys do.
I'm not giving into the charm. I would rather be lonely and cry at home missing him then give him the satisfaction of knowing he can have me anytime he wants.
My best friend who had known my H longer then me and was his friend first tells me all the time that the reason he is so happy is he knows he could walk into the house right now and he could get his marriage and wife back in 5 minutes so why sad? Two extremely sexy girls both want him and he can have either one. What guy doesnt want that? I'm like NO. NO. I NEED TO make him know Im not an option. I'm working on it.
I'm really trying to let him be pink. I'm trying to think of him as being dead or a ghost when he physically isnt in front if me he doesnt exist. When I start to think of him I'm trying to make myself change the thoughts. Go exercise, turn on the tv, think of something random like balloon animals etc.
I went shopping today. I bought 2 pairs of shoes, a nice new outfit, 2 outfits for each baby. Used coupons and spent 25$ instead of 250$. Clearance and coupons. I'm such a coupon master. I love it.
My mother in law, grandpa( h's) and aunt (h's) just popped in to say Hi because I'm avoiding my in-laws house so she came here to me.
No call or text, just came inside. ( She has a house key to my house, along with my FIL, Mom, H and Me. We have 5 sets of keys to my door.
I was in the kitchen and she was like hello..!
I just about died. I look nice today. I have on a nice outfit, I have on makeup and my hair done. They said I look amazing and wonderful. My house was clean besides the living room rug and mopping. They all gave me hugs. My mil was shocked I had a tattoo when she saw it on my foot.
She gave me a huge hug and said she really missed me and wishes I would visit her more. She said no matter what I'm her daughter and I can't hide away forever because her sons an idiot andjust because he wants to do this that doesnt mean they dont love me and want me in their life. She was like he really is an idiot and got all emotional and kissed my cheek. I cried when I shut the door. I am just crying like a baby now.
It's comforting to know I can come here each day and end up with a smile (big compliment on you and how your progress is going).
Great job on thinking through the situation and viewing it from different perspectives. Very helpful skill to cultivate. Hard to not vilify those who are causing us great harm. Part of the path to forgiveness.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
You are really knocking it out of the ballpark. I am in awe of all of your strength and grace through this process. You haven't been DB'ing for long and you are doing it so well.
Good for you to be at your best when the in-laws showed up (and, btw, how rude not to call first!). And, for holding it together until they left….kudos.
Your plans for your jobs, daycare and housing are truly impressive. You've come such a long way in such a short time. Take a moment to cry, then pat yourself on the back and keep it up!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
She said no matter what I'm her daughter and I can't hide away forever because her sons an idiot andjust because he wants to do this that doesnt mean they dont love me and want me in their life. She was like he really is an idiot and got all emotional and kissed my cheek.
That confirms it. I knew he was an idiot. Mothers know their kids better than anyone and she confirmed my suspicion. ;-)
It's not easy to just detach from someone we got that serious that we actually married the bastard.
It's a process, that's why to learn patience. Only time will make you feel better, be more detached, be more on your own skin.
At the same stage you are now, if I tough about balloon animals they would have the shape of my XH. Drinking coffee would be smelling his cologne, driving outside and would be thinking I could maybe drive over him and disappear him. LOL
Yeah, I know I got your smile now. But that is true. I did not disconnect until much later and many in this board did the same. Why? Because it is very hard.
I already told you that I invented some sad story to my boys and then ran to a hotel to spend the night with who? The guy that was already my XH. Well, I did it, was good. But was also bad because I knew I reset the clock and need to work harder to get my DBing campaign going again.
I did not hang myself in the garage the next day tough. It is just that... a learning process.
One day, all the sudden I said NO. It was from inside of my gut. I was not mad, not sad. I just said it wasn't for me anymore. Then I felt good.
It took me a long time to let go on the physical affection. I won't punish myself for that. I am glad I learned my value.
Time will help you. GAL will help you. Your new career will help you. Get yourself busy will help you.
Another thing to try, is always when he is to be in your house, you find something to do outside. I know it [censored]. At least I always tough it [censored] that I needed to make room for the prince. But it is for you. You won't betray yourself. There are days we can be all strong and confident, and there those other days that we just want a hug (and then we end up in bed).
If you want your H back, you need to let him go. Take this time as a vacation from him and do things you want to do for yourself. He will pay attention, he will have 2nd toughs, and if he decide to be an idiot, then at least you will be in a way for a much better life because you will be a better person.
Just saw the MIL convo. It is really good Red, do not throw away the friendship. There are many reasons for that. MIL is his mom and it is always good to have her on your side.
MIL is your kids grandma and will always be a part of your family.
MIL can help some day, who knows. You may need it because of the kids and she will be there to give you a hand.
All positive. Funny, my MIL said the same about XH, she even said that he was her son but she couldn't avoid to see that he was behaving like a Fool.
His family calls me, check on me and the boys, they really care. All good, it's not their fault that your H is being an idiot, just like she said.
And if you guys get back together, then there won't be hard feelings to repair.
**** Red,
Now, it is the woman talking to you. Outside any DB, without any masks or rules to get the H back or be better.
I wish I could sit right there with you and cry, then laugh. I too have this horrible pain inside my heart. I am strong, getting better, do a million things in the same time, my teenagers are good boys, everything is so nice.
But, and there is a painful but. I still cry in my car. I still cry once I am alone in my bedroom, it is very, very hard to face that life is different now.
There are some whys, what for, when, all questions without answers, one day I am up, up, up and away and the next I feel pain in my body for hiding the desire to just give up.
So, from the bottom of my heart I wish I can give you a big hug and we can cry a little together. No one deserve to be betrayed, no one deserve this pain, but it came to us and we need to make the most of it and learn what we can.
Sometimes I try to think that we are chosen to be in this situation, that life chose us so we could be even better human beings.
So, be gentle on yourself, glad you bought the outfit and shoes for yourself. That is a good way a real girl feel appreciated. Buy some lipstick next time. It makes wonders.
I love you like my daughter. You will be happy again Red, believe.
Squiggy- you always brighten up my day when you post.
Brooke- I think she didn't call because the last 2-3 times she has I wasn't home so she just decided to show up and if I was home to stop by. I have been invited over a lot and just haven't been able to go because last time I cried having to leave and I don't want his parents to see me crying and hurting.
txhubby- That comment made me smile. Oh gosh.
Pink-
Quote:
One day, all the sudden I said NO. It was from inside of my gut. I was not mad, not sad. I just said it wasn't for me anymore. Then I felt good.
It took me a long time to let go on the physical affection. I won't punish myself for that. I am glad I learned my value.
I think I am at the point(at least how I feel today)
Quote:
If you want your H back, you need to let him go. Take this time as a vacation from him and do things you want to do for yourself. He will pay attention, he will have 2nd toughs, and if he decide to be an idiot, then at least you will be in a way for a much better life because you will be a better person.
I joined kickboxing today to get some anger out. Like legit kick boxing. I want to beat the crap out of someone so I might as well do it in a way that I won't end up in jail lol.
My mom told me the same with my MIL. My mom still calls my grandma and says Hi ma, and they talk. She has always been close to my grandma talking on the phone and always had my grandma there. She said if I keep pushing them away that I will regret it in the end. I believe that too now. I just feel like a sad pathetic person around them since I always get teary eyed when I have to leave or they leave.
Love you too pink. I know I will be happy again someday. Somedays I feel amazing and other, like today..I honestly want to cry all day in bed and eat ice cream with the kids and not get dressed. Maybe it's okay to have days like today as long as it's once in a blue moon and not like a daily thing.
I wish I had all of you guys as friends in real life. My friends all kinda suck in real life. Except 2-3 of them. They just say move on, get over it, it's been 3 months, you still aren't filing yet? etc etc etc. I almost refuse to talk about my H with anyone since it just brings me down and makes me feel awful.
I really want to spend my first paycheck and some of my savings and splurge on makeup and clothes for myself. It makes me sad that the OW is the person who taught me how to do my makeup so well and got me slightly addicted to the nice brands, it just looks so good on me. Like I feel sexy when I am all done up now a days. I need to go get more but it is easily 200-400$ of makeup I want to buy, which would be dumb.
I AM 186.8 LBS YOU GUYS. I was 285 the day I came home from the hospital with D3. I'M SO CLOSE TO 100LBS from a size 22 to a size 10-12. I need to have excess skin removal surgery since my stomach is so bad. Google excess belly skin after weight loss and yeah that is what my belly looks like. It makes me hate looking in the mirror without clothes on.
I feel like my brains melting today and that I have to ask dumb questions.
Sunday the kids and I are going to the big strawberry festival at the fairgrounds after I get them from H. Do I invite him or do I just go and say nothing? I have to get them a few hours early so we can make it a day and not just 2 hours long.
I have the kids getting photos done in a week. I will probably take a few with them.
I don't invite him to that do I? First time doing photos without him.
We usually do family photos and we haven't in so long and my whole family lives 3,000 miles away so I have to at least get them of the babies for them.
I haven't gone and done anything on a day where I will see him yet. Usually I GAL on days he is with OW or working but never a day when I know he is free and has no plans except to hangout with the kids for a few hours before he goes to the OW house so it is a FIRST for me.
Do not invite him at all. His choice was to be away from you and you need to respect that. Go with the kids, have fun, take pictures and post them on FB or messenger so your family can see the boys and you.
Red, I know it hurts but he don't just left and got some time out, he left because he is in A, and this A is with your X-Friend. I know you want him to go, I know you think that it could be nice and he can see that you make a great family together.
But this is not the way. You do that and the clock goes back big time. Go and have fun as much as you can, your H is out of the picture because he chose to be. So let him be.
It will take some time for him to change his mind (if he does). You need to do your stuff now. Go places with the boys. Just make sure to just work as adults around the schedule. And this has nothing to do about you and him. It's about the kids.
This hard work your having been putting on is not for you to just throw away. It's for you to treasure. If you believe in the process then be patient.
Wonka wrote this to Raine sometime ago: Do what works, if it is not resonate with you as the right thing, then it is probably what you need to be doing.
It spoke volumes to me because we keep saying that our actions may seen contra-productive, but the truth is that the more we go back trying to be nice, the more we hurt our cause.
Right now, it is time to do your things by yourself. As the time go by and he may come around, then you will think about it.
Let him have time for his A, the more time he has for it, more are the chances they will implode.
Have faith, be mysterious, be fun, be confident, let him go.
Then when you are far from danger, cry inside the closet. And don't eat the ice-cream. It's no worth it. You need to be gorgeous, girl power and girl rules. Eat lettuce, not ice-cream.
