Back in November, my husband told me that the marriage was over for him 2.5 years ago, and that he 'just hadn't accepted it yet.'
I have two kids from a previous relationship, and he took them on as his own. He always told me, "Those are my sons. I love them. They're MY kids."
There was a lot of bad behavior by everyone involved, including the OW who came to work with him 2 years ago and started flirting with him, and he with her, telling him she doesn't fool around with married men, while singing a song in his ear about 'oh poor you, how unhappy your home life is.'
And for a long time, our home life was rough. He was out of work for a year and a half, then he got this job and was working 70,80, and 90 hours a week. But it was a low paying job and for all that OT, we were still always in a hole. I was stuck home alone all the time, with two kids, no car and no money.
I called him at work all the time, screaming at him because the kids were driving me crazy. I constantly accused him of screwing around with his boss, and I even blogged about what a horrible company he worked for.
He kept telling me he wanted to get a better job and have a better life, but he never followed through with anything.
Meanwhile, my own career was being put on hold because we only had one car and with only one car, two kids and his income, we couldn't afford to keep the car we did have insured, tagged, running and in fuel... even though he could have and would have walked to work, it did no good because the car simply wasn't dependable enough for me to work, and with his schedule and the kids added to that... I felt trapped.
After her, he told me he wanted to try and work things out. That he loved me, loved the boys and wasn't going anywhere.
Shortly before she had come along, he was offered another job that was the same pay, but a 'school schedule.' His boss begged him not to take the job and promised to work with his schedule. My husband dropped down to 40 hours a week, no nights, no weekends... and then I was finally able to start working and we started doing much better financially.
OW got promoted and became his boss, but went to work at a different location...
Then last summer, I found out that he was still sending her very inappropriate texts and Facebook messages. It was another fight. I knew it wasn't physical, because he was either at work or home with me... but it still hurt to see him sending her messages full of sexual innuendo and saying things to her like "I may not show it, but I do care." He said that was about her being stressed at work and him just being a friend to her.
It didn't matter to him that after what happened between them, he needed to cut all ties with her, and stop having any kind of 'personal relationship' with her at all. I threatened to report them to corporate and get them both fired
...until a year later, when he was offered a promotion but it meant working with her at her location, long days. I said no. He said I didn't have a right to a say in it. He took it anyway. We fought. He immediately started coming home 3-4 hours late every night, we fought.
He'd lost 100 lbs and his mom bought him new clothes and he started dressing nicer.
Then, one day in November he told me that the marriage was over for him 2.5 years ago, and that he just hadn't accepted it yet. He said he didn't want to 'try.' He said he didn't like me, didn't like who I was, didn't like my politics, didn't like my parenting, didn't like the way I handle money...
At first, I asked him why he fell in love with me in the first place and he said "Because you're smart and sarcastic." Then later he said "I can't remember. The best I could say is that you and the kids needed me."
He sent a lot of mixed signals to me... told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me. Told me the marriage was over 2.5 years ago, but said he only wanted a separation. One night when I offered to go sleep on the couch he said "No, you don't like sleeping in the bed alone without me and I don't like sleeping in the bed alone without you."
For the first month, he still held me and cuddled me every night. Then one day that just stopped. He told me 'patterns.' "We'll be ok for a few months, and then we'll repeat the same old thing."
Then he said he just wanted a separation... to get his head on straight. Then he started going out at night. And staying out all night.
Then he said he met someone else, someone named "Erica" who 'worked in the same field he does and was just someone to talk to.'
Then he told me, "She's a black girl and I don't date black girls."
A few days before Christmas, we had to buy a new car, and while we were at the dealer, he told me that he was having a hard time at work and had been written up twice, but 'luckily, Liz was fighting for him,' 'because she knew he just needed to get his head straight about his home life.'
Two days after Christmas, he finally left after a huge fight...
Shortly after he left, he met with me to discuss the finances and he wanted me to put the utilities in my own name within 3 months, give him the truck and 5 months to refinance it to get my name off the loan, and he wanted me to pay off our last car that the transmission blew up in that we owed about $600 on and give him $500 for him to buy new dentures.
A few weeks later, I drove out to his boss's house and the car he allegedly 'borrowed' was sitting there in her front yard.
I called her and confronted her. She freaked out. She told me that was her aunt's car and he must have borrowed it from her aunt after he'd met her when she (the boss) had him (MY husband, pick her aunt up from the hospital.) Then she told me that the staff told her that he had a girlfriend named "Erica"
That night, some woman called me, claiming to be her aunt, telling me that "Erica" was "Liz's cousin" and she is a 98lb stripper, white, and that all of them live in 'her' trailer (yes, he's in a trailer in one of the worst areas of town.)
And for the next two months, it was pure Hell. I cried all the time, sent him texts, begged him to come home. Promised him that I would go to counseling to change my behavior... (He told me, "you're 41 years old, you're never going to change.)
I blamed myself for everything.
I had all of our mutual friends call him and try to 'talk to him,' and some of them went into it 'intending' to tell him that he needed to come home and work on the marriage, but wound up telling me that I needed to just 'accept' that my marriage was over.
He started shutting off the utilities on me, didn't pay the bills he promised to pay, and tried to blackmail me into giving him the truck we'd just bought in exchange for his W-2 so I could file the tax return, since I hadn't been able to work since he took the promotion and put me right back to where I was 3.5 years ago, stuck at home with no car and two kids and still no money...
He refused to pay the bills and told me "You need to pay some of your own bills"... I reminded him that it took him over a year to find a job, during which time I supported him, and he just got angry and walked away from the conversation.
One night he called and said he needed to borrow the truck for a few days because the car he was borrowing broke down. I told him I would work out a sharing schedule with him, but I had job interviews lined up and I have kids, so he can't have it all day, every day... he said never mind, he'd figure it out, and threatened to take 'his' tag off it.
So I took the tag off and hid it in my bedroom.
Two days later, at 10:30 am on a Sunday morning, the day after our son's birthday, he showed up at the house, 'demanding' the truck and screaming at me, "Where the F*** is MY tag?" I told him I took it off the truck and put it in the house and the kids had been playing with it and I didn't know what they did with it," and he told me, "Get your A** in there and find it."
I asked him if he had the W-2 and he pulled it out of his back pocket (and this was after weeks of threatening me that he would file 'married but separate' and have to PAY the IRS himself JUST to keep me from getting a refund.)
I called the kids to come home from their friends house where they'd spent the night, but their friends dad didn't answer, so I told my husband to go get the kids, and he told me to go... at this point, he'd barged into the house and into the bedroom and into the closet and started taking tools out of it... I told him he couldn't have those, he threatened to call the police, I told him that all they would let him take were his 'personal belongings'... he said he needed the tools to fix his car, and I said "Ok, well then when will you return them?" And the only answer he would give me was "I need to fix my car."
He insisted on trying to take things, putting the tools in the truck, so I called my neighbors to come over and they witnessed him push me, telling me "get your fat a** in the house and file the taxes" and spitting in my face.
When he didn't get his way, he stomped off on foot...
And that's when I first tried to end all communication. It lasted 9 days, until he called my mother and told her he was dropping something off at her house at 7pm that night for the boys (our eldest boys bday present) and that I needed to make the payment on our other car because the finance company was calling him because he hadn't. Mom told him, "Well you're not holding up your end either," and he turned his back on her and walked away and refused to listen to her...
He is making around $2,800 a month and claims he's paying $400 per month 'rent.'
Up until I FOUND him at her house, he had been looking me straight in the eye and telling me that he was not seeing anyone at all. He even told my mother, "I didn't move in with anyone, I rent a room."
Even AFTER his boss's 'aunt' called me and told me about "Erica", he still told my mother, "I didn't move in with anyone, I rent a room."
When I first filed the taxes, I had the deposit sent to our joint checking account, but after that, he stopped paying the bills he'd promised to pay, and I couldn't risk him going in and taking that money out... so the day I got the money, I moved it out of the joint account and into a personal account.
When he found out he was furious and had the power turned off. It was an $880 deposit to have it turned on in my own name, so I asked him for a week and he said "Well I need something too. I need $1,500 to fix my car."
At first I agreed, and we met at the bank the next day... and we fought and discussed all day long... I told him he should leave the car, co-sign for me to buy a car that I want, (I have the higher credit score, but he has the 'income proof') and I'd let him have the truck. He agreed to that but still insisted on me giving him the $1,500.
And that's when I asked him if he was really sleeping with a 98lb stripper and he said "Yea." I said "But you don't like skinny girls, you're afraid you'll break them." He said "Well I've lost 100 lbs, I'm not afraid anymore and she's really flexible."
Then I said, "So why did you tell me she was a black girl and you don't date black girls?" He said "She is black. And she's not YOU."
I actually don't think the stripper is even real, I think he's sleeping with his boss... but I could be wrong. Last week the boss' relationship status on FB was 'in a relationship,' this week it's "Single". I've seen a pic on her FB wall of who the cousin 'might be,' but there is no "Erica" on her friends list, so it's hard to tell for sure.
At the end of the day, I refused to give him the money. He left pissed off, and that night I sent him an email, telling him that I loved him, that I forgave him and myself and that if he wanted to come home, the boys and I would love to have him home, and if he needs me, I will be there for him, but that I will not support another woman.
And aside from the one night he called here to talk to the boys and promised our son that he was going to pay for the boys field trip to Lego Land (he hasn't) I have maintained 'no contact.'
Lots of people have told me that my marriage is over and I need to accept it. Two people have told me that they think he'll come back. I've read all the 'get your ex back' and 'save your marriage' guides out there.. and I'm trying to do what they say... work on me.
I'm trying to find a full time job right now and trying to find after school activities for the boys while I work.
I've joined a bunch of MeetUps so I could start getting out and meeting new people and making new friends, but it's hard with 2 kids who are only 10 and 7 years old. I'm already leaving them in the care of others to 'work,' and now to go out and have a life and maybe even date (?) too...
I'm not sure if I should be dating or not. All the 'get your ex back' guides say to go on at least one date before making the first contact after "No Contact"... but those guides are written for 'boyfriends and girlfriends,' not marriage.
I have been on 5 'dates' already, and I wound up crying on the first 4 of them... on the 5th, I didn't cry. But I have no interest in any of these guys anyway.
Most people tell me that after all the cruel things he's said and done, that the marriage is 100% over and I need to accept it and move on... but then I read this forum and it seems like some marriages can come back from even worse than this...
Right now, I'm at the no contact phase and working on me. Looking for a job, planning to get one, get a regular paycheck stub, buy the car I wanted to begin with, and put the truck up on RelayRides to rent it out 3 days a week just to cover the payment and insurance on it, and have it to use to get back into buying and selling real estate (my career that was put on hold for the past 4 years for his job.)
I'm reading all the information, and I did read The Divorce Remedy and need to re-read it soon.
And my first question is: One 'get your ex back guide' suggests writing a letter to my husband, telling him that he was right about everything... another one says to send a 'seed letter,' saying that I accept his decision to end the marriage, and tell him about something 'vague' about something great that's happening in my life, but that I'll tell him about it some other time because right now we both need our time and space... I'm not sure if these are two separate letters, or one and the same.
I'm sure I'll have a lot more questions... and I'm not even sure if this marriage can be saved or not.
He says we are too different and we're just going in different directions in life.
He used to be the most kind, compassionate, caring man in the world, and I can't help but feel like I screwed it all up. Pushed him away. I can't deny that I've become an unbearable person to live with over the past few years... money pressures and being stuck in a house that is falling down around us because it was my house before the marriage and he had no 'pride' in it because it wasn't his. Isolating myself from friends because I was too embarrassed to have anyone come here. Not being able to go out and make friends because I had no car, always had the kids, didn't really want to make friends with other 'moms'... I wanted my professional life back and I got lost in this prison of a home and didn't know how to get out, so I started lashing out at everyone around me.
That's why I'm working on me, but I don't know if it will be enough for him at this point.
But he was supposed to be in this for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and for richer or poorer... I stood by him through the worst, for poorer and in sickness,... and as soon as he lost some weight, started dressing nicer and started making more money... suddenly he wasn't the man who loved and cared about the kids and me anymore...
I don't know if it's a MLC or if I've really pushed him and then him me, past the point of no return. Or if the OW in his ear about how unhappy his home life is, and how he needs to get his head straight about his home life, etc, etc... is 'influencing' him into thinking that the marriage isn't worth saving.
Any advice is appreciated... and yes, I have accepted the fact that we may never get back together, but I'm still willing to try.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks for the replies. I've read through most of those threads already, and I did pick up the book from BAM the other day and have read through it once.
Today, I signed up for one coaching call to get some immediate help...
My main concern, atm, is that my behavior, (calling him at work and screaming at him, threatening his job, and even two suicidal nights,) are things he'll never be able to get over and past... in which case, am I just wasting my time trying to save this marriage?
It's up for your husband to decide if he can "get over and past" your actions. You can't control that.
What you can control are YOUR actions. Stop the calling, and screaming, threats. All it does is spin the situation even more out of control and makes you both feel bad.
I'm sorry that you're here.
And you may or may not save your marriage. You can, however, save yourself.
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
It is time to stop beating yourself up for what has happened in the past. Let's figure out the best way for you to move forward in a positive way. Please notice that I said move forward, not move on. Focus on putting your time, effort and energy into being the best FL2Boys and Mom that only a fool would leave.
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. I'm so glad that you are able to speak with a DB Coach. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 when you want to speak with your coach again.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
