Hello, I came from another board and would like to have some input into my situation. My wife and I have been married for 18 years in what I (and our friends) thought was a happy and stable marriage. We have an 11 year old son that we spend most of our free time and energy on. We are financially secure and I earn about 95% of the income while she holds a part-time job for 15 hours a week. Seventeen years ago, or six months after our marriage, she had an Emotional Affair (as best as I could determine) with her ex-boyfriend who lives on another continent. I stumbled onto dozens of mostly flirtatious emails to each other and I believe they only met once for lunch. After seeing a marriage counselor and reconciling, we recommitted to our marriage and I vowed to be more emotionally supportive and she vowed to stop communicated with the OM. We waited six more years to have our boy, after I established the relationship was going to last and that we were happy together, which I believed we were. Fast forward to November 2015: An argument aroused my suspicions again. I discovered that she has been corresponding with the OM again. In fact, I looked in her phone and found that it goes back for at least 9 years! None of the emails were explicitly sexual but there was a lot of innuendo, and that he wanted to hold her “until she’s 90” and that they cared for each other. There were several selfies headshots sent by both parties. The OM had just had his second divorce in March this year and she was complaining to him about me. It looks like they may have only physically met once for lunch a year ago. However, she was planning her separation from me and he was supportive and planning a visit later with her. He promised her his support and for her to be brave. I confronted her without showing the actual email evidence, and asked her why the betrayal of her promise to me!?! Of course, she denied there was any affair since the OM is so geographically far from us. She gave the standard lines, that we had grown apart over 18 years, especially the past year, and that I’ve been cold and distant and would never change, the standard ILYBIDLYAM speech. She demanded that we separate. Naturally, I stupidly started groveling and asking for forgiveness and said I would change my ways. Of course these were all rejected. I went to my Mother-in-Law and showed her the emails. She was ashamed of her daughter and pushed her back to me, and wanted us to reconcile, knowing what happened 17 years ago. However, about a month after I told MIL, my WW was able to flip her. She secretly funded her $6K for a divorce attorney and then gave her funds to move out and get an apartment. During this time WW was pretending to work on our marriage with me, and I was trying to be a better husband. However, I sensed something wasn't right and went through her stuff and found the legal retainer. Now she is about to move out and split my son's custody 50/50. I am reading the advice on this board which encourages Detachment rather than Engagement. What advice would you give to me? It seems like a lot of the Detachment were unsuccessful in getting their marriage back on track. But that may just come with the territory?
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I cannot tell you that detachment works. If I could I guess I would no longer be on this board. And you have the same questions I do. I can tell you this though from my brief experience, when I wrote letters, talked of counseling, moved back in, confronted the affair, told my WW how much I loved her and how beautiful she is, all that happened was she progressively got more more angry. To the point she was screaming at me and telling me how bad she wants to hurt me... to the point I offered to let her hit me to get it out.
Since I have detached (and I am not great at it) she has softened. Occasionally, she will text or call. Some of those conversations will be rather good (speaking from a perspective of a H with a WW). So I cannot say whether it works or does not in the long run all I can say is what I have noticed.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
First things first, do your homework that Cadet sent you. It's critical.
Second, this isn't going to resolve itself quickly. It's going to take a long time. I know that's not what you want to hear but I'm going to shoot straight with you. Fasten your seatbelt.
Your situation is not hopeless. Many people have come back from the brink of divorce, some even remarried after divorce.
Most important, you need to stay CALM. You will feel fear and despair that you never knew possible. This is normal.
You are among an awesome group of people that are or have experienced the exact same thing you are. I consider most of them family.
Come here and post often, we will offer our best advice and listen to you vent. If you feel you are going to react or say something to your W, come here first before you do anything. We will talk you off the ledge and help prevent anymore damage.
Your W is NOT the girl you married at the moment. She's having an affair and is in fantasy land. Consider her an addict looking for her next fix. She will do and say things you didnt know were possible.
Take care of you. Get in the gym, meditate, run, read, pray. You're going to need it.
Lastly, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Hi CWOL. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you.
I'm fairly new here myself, but the one thing I have learned for myself is that it is best to look at our own behavior through the eyes of an outsider.
Aim to be the kind of person you will admire and respect as you live your own life and especially during every interaction with your wife. She probably won't return the favor, but you will sleep better knowing you were the adult in the room.
Beyond that, I will agree with Thornton - Cadet's welcome is full of important information. Hang in there and remember to breathe.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Thanks guys. I will order the books and start reading.
I've been following the advice of another website, and read several of the marriage advice books, but a lot of the concepts are the same. The worst part was I was doing all of the recommended steps about being a better husband, etc., but I could sense no change in WW's hostility. That's when I started to dig deeper and found all the deceit and gaslighting she was doing behind my back. The most disappointing part was she was able to turn people who were initially supporting our marriage to supporting her divorce.
She has filed and I've been served last week. She is still in the house but is about to move out. I am conflicted whether to detach or to continue to try to be a good husband (even though she stopped being a good wife long ago).
Part of me really like the Detachment recommendation, but another part of me feel that WW would be more drawn if I were helpful, even during the divorce process. I'm sure this faces everyone who comes here. I am just so sick of the lying and deceit, and the rewriting of history that has been occurring since D-Day. It [censored] that the one who cheated and was unfaithful has so much power over the innocent spouse. I admit, I definitely fall into the bucket Sandi wrote about.
Last edited by Cristy; 02/18/1602:44 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books, authors or websites
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I cannot tell you that detachment works. If I could I guess I would no longer be on this board. And you have the same questions I do. I can tell you this though from my brief experience, when I wrote letters, talked of counseling, moved back in, confronted the affair, told my WW how much I loved her and how beautiful she is, all that happened was she progressively got more more angry. To the point she was screaming at me and telling me how bad she wants to hurt me... to the point I offered to let her hit me to get it out.
Since I have detached (and I am not great at it) she has softened. Occasionally, she will text or call. Some of those conversations will be rather good (speaking from a perspective of a H with a WW). So I cannot say whether it works or does not in the long run all I can say is what I have noticed.
I have a similar experience. My WW was playing along in the reconciliation forced by my MIL until I found out about her secret plot. When I tried very hard to be a good husband, she was instead upset at me. She said everything I was doing was "fake" and it reminded me of what I didn't do in our marriage.
When I pulled back and not pay attention to her for some time, it does seem to bring curiosity out of her. It is interesting because Detachment is diametrically opposite the intuitive advice I got elsewhere.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Is the DR book not available electronically? I tried to buy it that way but can only find non Kindle editions
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I do not believe it is available electronically, you can start the first chapter in my first post.
CWOL a lot of people here in such a similar scenario. Thornton gave some great words of wisdom there! A lot of people will not post, but they do read your posts. Just know that we are listening and can certainly relate to what you're going through. You are not alone.
M 43 W 45 M 10.5 T 15 S 26 D 17 (previous relationships) ILYB 12/25/15 + asks for D Confirm affair 1/10/16 W has D ready to sign, but agrees to wait for refinancing to go through (I get a house!)
