Roar, I feel the same way about my H. It actually makes it harder when you can't hate them. I could have written the same thing and I have a hard time with the advice of some saying not to treat him as a friend. We still care for ea h other.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
It makes it so much harder! I burst into tears about it right in front of him because I just can't get over how nice he is and plans on being. It makes it even more of a personal blow that he wants the D because it's just me he doesn't want. That hurts the most. 10000 times over.
I have to stop myself from letting that get into my head and eat me alive. I feel like it's started chipping away at my soul...so very painful.
But alas, we grow from the pain...right? I've learned a lot of good lessons and this is just the beginning.
Momma has dropped the rope, I repeat the rope has been dropped. Why? ...because I am happier.
It's been a few days, so much has been discussed but each and every day I realize how unfulfilled I have been in the M, and in turn in my life overall. I committed to D4 and the WAHs career for years - and I don't regret it. I can't make a person appreciate that enough to see value in me as a person...and that's how I know...I want more.
I've been really feeling good about myself, despite this situation. I KNOW how valuable I am as a woman, as a mother and as a wife. I know it takes a HELL of a WOMAN to be told that she's not loved after a year away from her spouse, while I managed to juggle D4s countless appointments, graduated from college, and planned and excepted a cross country move...all with the dark cloud of D over my head. I fkn nailed it. Now I'm here, ready and waiting to move and start my new life. MY new life....as an amazing woman outside of my M.
I was always looking for that gold star from him - that, wow...I am lucky. I don't know why, because it wasn't the M that made me the way I am. I made me the way I am....I am this person and I really like this person. I can't wait to find out more about myself...and have started discovering those things already.
For example, today at a restaurant - normally I order what I think I should have. Normally I don't order what I want because I don't want the H to judge me. For example, if I want something fatty. I know this is sounding so stupid...but hear me out. Normally I would do what I thought he thought I should do (wowowow). Today, I did not. I ordered what I wanted and I DGAF. It was so liberating!!!!!!!!!
Then, grocery shopping we picked up pizza. He got two kinds that he likes, and honestly I'm not a fan of it that much. So I told him, and then picked up a salad. OMG...again, I felt so free. Just for speaking up! When did I lose my voice? Why would I compromise such ridiculous things for 8 years to what...get him to like me?
And, I picked up ice cream with NO shame. Y'all should know I worked hard to lose 20 lbs. I did it for the wrong reasons. Now I'm back tracking, learning that balance means I shouldn't have to say no to ice cream...ever! Balance!
I'm just so excited right now about my new life. I'm about to take my dogs on a run at almost 10pm. I'm freaking proud of myself! No more excuses. Loving myself means taking care of my health more than I have. Self love, self care. Nobody else can do that for me.
Today I did all the chores, ran the wash and cooked dinner, bathed D4, got her down for bed and didn't feel ANY frustration. Usually it's "why doesn't he EVER help?" Or "why doesn't he see how hard I'm working and want to make things easier for me like I do for him"
No more of that.
At first I thought, am I faking it until I make it? Nope. Today I looked through the D paperwork and was like "you are ready."
I'm still attracted to him, physically which makes things a little difficult sometimes. I can't really imagine being with anyone else BUT I don't have to worry about that right now. I don't even know why I am. I miss touch, kissing, etc...but I don't know if I could feel "that way" for him again having felt the way I do for as long as I have, seeing that he would never do anything to change. It was only me who was willing to change and it was too late...
...and I think in a way, the universe had all of this planned to save MY life. I would have been stuck, in quicksand for years until he got a new job that meant he was home more, and even with him being home...that doesn't mean that his behavior would change to better meet my needs. All of this has helped calm the anger that I've felt...because timing couldn't be better for me to start my new like with D4.
The silver lining is beaming...
I'm starting to come up with a bucket list for my life. Things that I can and want to do/have now that I'll be single. Things like:
Buy myself a post D ring, someday...something to remind myself not to lose myself again. Get a new piercing - nose? Belly button? Both? I dunno. Run a marathon - more importantly, learn to love running Read 100 books in a year Start writing again Start singing again Go dancing Wear more dresses Get D4 a pet fish Bake again Cook what I want to eat, not what we both like
Sooooo many things to do with so much life ahead of me. Why did I stop doing these things? I don't know. Stress, discontentment, depression? I wasn't being myself. Embracing myself. I listen to rap music and love it, old school rap. Why did I stop? I love to dance. LOVE it. I LOVE to sing, I never ever sang for H. I stopped embracing myself.
I'm starting to again and I love it and moving forward, if someone doesn't like it...then walk away. As a matter of fact, if there's a part of me or my life that they don't agree with...I will walk away.
For the first time in my existence, I'm really starting to like me and appreciate me, and love me. Why I ever thought I should change for someone else is beyond me. I was young. I was naive and in love. Lesson learned.
This day just started, and someone is in a mood...for the first time it isn't me.
The MIL is here, and they were held up in the bedroom chatting and I have no idea what it was about but he seems a little off. I think it's something that would probably get under my skin...and maybe it bothers me a little because I don't know that what he tells me is the complete opposite of what he tells anyone else.
I'm really excited to start my new life. I have no idea what to expect, and it's scary but I also don't want to cower from anything that's a challenge or is scary to me anymore. I've been in my comfort zone for too long.
This morning I'm writing in a journal, really trying to think and reflect on what I truly want for my life...
It's harder than calculus for me right now. Or stats. Statistics was hard. :]
Lots of introspection, I need a guided journal of sorts. I'm all over the place in my head.
H is gone now - off on a trip for his job for a week. I'll be corralling the pets and a toddler with the MIL to move us to our new life.
I'm excited.
I'm done amazing him, I'm just leaving him alone to do his thing...whatever that may be. I was thinking yesterday about dating again. Not that I'm ready by any means, but because he wants to...and we haven't even started the D process yet. I don't know, it makes me feel like crap for sure but then I kind of feel bad for him. I realized throughout this that you shouldn't need someone to live, or love. You should be perfectly great on your own and they should add to that, not drain every last bit of life from you. I don't know, something's amiss here but it's no longer my responsibility to figure his life out for him!
The MIL and I were talking about that last night and how he really does need to go off on his own for a while, or forever. If he returns to work, we can work if I choose but I won't be condemned for not taking him back. I don't think he ever will, but there's a million possibilities for my life now. I have no idea what anything looks like anymore.
But I am so excited and ready for my new life. The fact that none of my old stuff is coming with me makes that even better.
You seem like you are in a healthy place right now. You are attacking your future with such a great attitude and strength. I hope to have the same grace when I move forward. Please keep posting and letting us know about your progress.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
I am finally moved and settled...and I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be!
His family is amazing, they always have been. They're not happy about the situation, but they love us both and only want the best for us. His mother has been a true shoulder, and mentor in this. She went through the same thing with his father...and he may be supporting me financially, but the situation is very similar.
When I was about to get off the plane, after having a looooooong day, red-eye flight with a toddler - I get a message about him being alone and happy. He left before I did on a work trip, so he wasn't there to see us off and had been alone a few days. He said that he was living a life that wasn't meant for him, a life that wasn't his and he hopes that D4 and I will understand someday but he thinks that I'm saying it, and we'll hate him later on down the road. I started crying right there on the airplane...wow. I read that...and hated him. Then came the "we were kids making grown up decisions"...excuse after excuse to justify his actions. Like a child does....anything to make this bad thing make sense.
What-the-F-ever bro.
I was upset until today...
Full focus back to my D4 and myself and these people here that are HAPPY to have me and D4 in their life!! People that are happy to talk to me, people that appreciate me, and love D4 and don't hesitate to show it. My SILs fiancé was amazing with D4, and she totally fell in love with him. He was so sweet to her, a daddy kind of sweetness I haven't seen in a long time with the H. The little time that he had with her before we left was spent on his phone, in front of the TV or disciplining her at moments when I just wanted to smack him and tell him that he's nitpicking...doing the same things HE himself hates. I know his mind was in another place but what a disappointment that was.
I think of these things and feel like the rope is dropped, then I see photos everywhere of this man that I fell in love with, and still love..but doesn't exist anymore. He's this cold, shell of a man and I am like a supernova...I really see that as incompatibility now and mainly I think it's because of his job. But that's in the past, and we have one life!
So I'm here, and I have a job lined up for next week part time. Tomorrow I'll be looking at a part time daycare for D4, and I am so happy to be busy. I have been non stop since I got here and what a challenge for me to be FLEXIBLE. Complete 180 for me and I'm very proud of that! Tomorrow will be a low key day, but I plan on taking D4 to a nearby park to workout while she plays and do some things around the house for my MIL. She's picky about some things, but I love being able to help her as much as I can because I am so grateful to her for wanting us to be living here with her. She moved out of her bedroom with a bathroom and huge closet to give D4 and I room. There's 2 beds in here and everything. Just blown away. She is such a mentor to me.
I appologized to her before we flew down here because I just know deep down I hadn't been a good daughter to her, and sister to my SIL and she accepted my apology and explained why. She knew I was in so much emotional pain after D4 was born and we learned about her disability. She said she saw how absent I was from life and she was there when I heard everything from the doctors and fell apart. She saw it all. I always thought she judged me for it...and all this time she understood. She knew. She gave me space, and gave me time and I had to do some growing. I have so much to learn in life, and this one lesson taught me so much going forward...just forgive.
Forgiving myself for falling apart. Forgiving myself for holding onto something so hard I never stopped to consider life could be better. Forgiving myself for not knowing the future. Forgiving myself for not accepting reality sooner. Forgiving the H...because a blank future no longer means a future of waiting for a man who will never come home, because that person died inside a long time ago, and there will be a time when the right one does come along. Someone who will be PRESENT with life and not be continually trying to escape it in any way possible.
Long long post...and it's time to sleep.
I'm still working on my 180s, more new ones to add...and more to come.
