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Us getting back together. That's what I think is hopeless.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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The thing to work to work on is your own desperate need to get back together. Reconciling from a place of desperate need is unlikely to go well. It will serve you best to focus on yourself and seek to control that which you can control. You are worrying desperately about something (her) that you can't control.

We all do this in the early stages, and I do understand, but the sooner you can get going on your own journey - separate to your W as she is taking her own jouney - the better.

smile x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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It's not hopeless. It just feels like it.

Progress will not be linear. You will go up and down, and back down and then loopty-loop all over again.

Maintain your composure. Stop pursuing W. Let her feel you disappearing from her life and don't be so available. Act like something clicked in your mind and you realize you are going to be fine with or without her.

Pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You can do this.

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I'm just so disappointed because on Friday she said she wanted to reconcile, that she wished she could dial back the clock to a year ago, and that she loves me. Then nothing.

I don't feel strong enough to do this. I want an answer now. I hate waiting. If she's done with me she should say so.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Posts: 1,952
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
Us getting back together. That's what I think is hopeless.

Hmmmmm. I wouldnt say it's hopeless. I think it's a long shot, but then again, I think pretty much anyone that is here is already in a pretty bad spot.

What can you do to try to take your focus off of W and your relationship with her? Thats really where you need to keep your eyes right now.

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Welcome to the club.

I just bought a house with WAW and thought we were getting married this year. A month ago, we were looking at wedding venues. Now she says she doesn't love me anymore.

I know you feel weak right now, break it down into baby steps. Just make it through this hour. Then reset and make it through another hour. Rinse, wash, repeat.

I dont think your W is done with you. She's conflicted right now. Her being conflicted is a good thing because she hasn't pulled the plug on NYGal. She's confused.

Pull back and act like you are doing fine. No R talks and definately dont reach out to her or text.

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It's like she doesn't really want you back right now but wants to make sure you stay an option for her at her schedule. Trust me, NYGal, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE. That was me for well over a year. It was pure hell. If you allow this to continue then you'll be more miserable than you ever imagined. It continued with me until I stopped it. Removing myself as that option and making sure she knew it was the thing that began the path back to our being together. When I was doing what you're doing now it did not work. It reassured her I was an option just waiting for her so she had the luxury to keep on behaving badly. Stop being a guarantee.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
I'm just so disappointed because on Friday she said she wanted to reconcile, that she wished she could dial back the clock to a year ago, and that she loves me. Then nothing.

Thats why rule 32 exists!

Originally Posted By: NYGal
I don't feel strong enough to do this. I want an answer now. I hate waiting. If she's done with me she should say so.

Nobody feels strong enough at the start of anything. Anything that you do takes training and practice. Just like training your muscles, you have to train your brain. Saying "it's too hard" doesnt mean anything, because you really dont have much of a choice. The advice youve been getting will help push the process forward for YOU without making things worse with W.

Think of it this way. Youve been (likely unknowingly) digging a hole in your relationship for years. So to fix this hole, what are the steps?

1) stop digging! - this is the focus of a lot of the rules. Stop pursuing (like sending "sweet" texts), stop arguing, stop pleading, etc, etc.

2) climb out of the hole! - you cant do anything while your stuck in the hole! So take care of yourself, get a life, act as if, etc, etc. This is to build yourself back into the best version of you.

3) only THEN can you start filling the hole back in. And by then, you may not want to. Or she may still not want you to. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

But no matter what, you cant start filling in the hole until youve done steps 1 and 2.

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She left me a VM that sounded kind of warm an hour and a half ago. Said she got my text and saw that I called and was just trying to get back in touch.
How do I stop digging the hole, climb out, and fill it back in? Do I ignore her call, even though she was responding to my reaching out? I can't let go of the feeling that there's a right and a wrong way to do this. How do I not let this continue now that the ball is back in my court, TXHubby?


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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I had a long reply to you earlier in the thread ready on my phone when someone rang, and I never got back to it! blush

If you feel the urge to send texts and voice mails, can you come here and post first? Because I have seen other posters do the same thing - do something anti-DB'ing and then come here and 'confess'. wink If you want to DB, you got to try to follow the recipe.

So you sent her a text *and* tried to call? Did you not answer when she called you back, or did you just miss the call? Ignoring her return call would be sort of rude, IMHO. What did you text her, and did you leave a voice mail when you called her earlier? Knowing that would make it easier to suggest a response now.


In general:

What you've done so far, is a little like if you went on a diet and as soon as you lost 2 pounds, you'd binge on ice cream. You're doing things that are getting results, but then you get fooled by the results you're seeing into thinking that you're at the goal line and you stop doing what works. You're not at the goal line just because she reaches out to you, you can't even see the goal line right now. You have to continue just based on faith in the process and the encouraging reactions you're getting.

I absolutely see that you are in a lot of pain - been there, repeatedly. That is what GAL is partly about, distracting yourself from the pain, taking your mind off WW.

What kind of activities do you like? What have you always wanted to try? Are you working out? Going to the movies (yes, by yourself if necessary) to watch comedies or action movies? If you start crying, you can leave. But if you give the movie a chance, you may just be surprised how you get caught up in it and get a 2 hour respite - and could even walk out of there in a great mood that lasts the rest of the night.

Is there a dog park you can take your dogs to, and meet other dog owners? This is not the time for solitary walks.

Have you thought about learning something new? Take horseback riding lessons, an art class, join a meetup group, learn self-defense (very empowering!), etc. The sky is the limit, and now is the time.


M 16 yrs, WH62, P54
3 adult blended kids
EA 11/13, BD1 6/14
PA fall 14, BD2 2/15
Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15
Separated 4/16
WH moved OW in 5/16
Divorced 6/15/17
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