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NYGal Offline OP
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This was a tough weekend. I had a feeling she wouldn't call, and call she did not. I was so elated on Friday when she gave every indication that she wants to reconcile. But not calling me all weekend is a pretty clear sign that she's now back with ow. Of course I'm projecting, but I know her. She can't stand to be alone. She'll either ignore me all week or, sensing me moving away, she'll try to reel me in again.

My chest hurts from the pain again. I have to get this sorted out. I have to tell her to quit playing me. If she's choosing ow then she should just leave me alone and quit filling my head with hope. If she wants me then she must tell ow it's over. She can't keep doing this. It's sick and twisted and I'm so sick of suffering the consequences.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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NYGal Offline OP
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I need a new strategy. This just isn't working.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Think about what you could do differently! I'm darkish with STBHX, it wasn't working so I started to go back to who I really am (caring person). I texted him regarding me going to see my parents and I simply asked him how he was and he replied fast. Usually he'd ignore me!

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NYG, I think she reels you in a little, then just lets you drift. And by letting yourself be reeled in, she gets enough reassurance to let you drift again. Please know that she is unlikely to completely let go of OW in the short term. If you need a new strategy, have one that focuses on you and on rebuilding your own life after this difficult time.

Just inwardly cut her loose and be less available to her. If you have contact, be less willing to engage in any R talks. Until or unless she hits a wall, I suspect little will change and you don't want to be on a rollercoaster with her during this time. This is her problem not yours, and ultimately she risks losing you.

Focus on detaching by 'attaching' to your own life and building up new activities you enjoy. You're doing well & it is still early days xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I completely agree with Sotto. I think your W wants to make sure she still has you as an option. I am no expert, but I think the DR book talks about not getting your hopes up when they start talk of reconciling because it could scare them away or it may take several times before it "sticks". So, I think Sotto's advice of not engaging about that kind of talk and waiting for her to hit a wall is solid.

In the meantime, work on yourself. I know it is very hard to take that advice because I would like my H to get over his OW and want to reconcile ASAP. Someone posted great advice on my story that said not "to stand still" while you were db'ing. You and I both need to focus on how we get stronger for ourselves or for being our "best selves" to reconcile and have a better marriage than before.

Thinking of you.


M 44 H 46
M 20yrs T 25 yrs
S15 S12

ILYBINILWY 7/18/15
Move to MBR 9/8/15
Physical Separation 10/10/15
Suspect A 8/2015
Confirm A 12/27/15
D filed by H 2/2/16
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NYGal Offline OP
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She hasn't called me since Friday and I sent her a sweet text last night that she is also ignoring. What a difference a day (or two) makes.
NOTHING is working. When she asks for reassurance that we can make it I give it to her. When I'm dark she's not there. When I text she doesn't answer. I think she's playing me and ow is playing her and I'm lost in the mess.
I try to focus on me, but then the pain sweeps over me again and I feel hopeless. I am so sick of this I could scream. Indeed, I have, on a regular basis. This is not right. This is not fair. I can't stand this.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
I have to tell her to quit playing me.

NO!

NO!

NO!


TELLING her anything is a waste of your breath. Just stop LETTING her play you. You are letting your feelings, hopes, expectations rise and fall with HER words and actions. So when you talk with her, you get this feeling of possible R....then she doesnt call for a couple days, and you get back down in the dumps. She's playing you, because you are attaching your emotional wellbeing onto these interactions or lack thereof.

YOU need to stop the cycle. Not her.

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All my big talk last week of letting go if she didn't contact me is all gone. Now I'm not even able to keep promises of not contacting her. I think it's hopeless.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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Posts: 5,301
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Hi NYG, I know it's tough, but please read what other posters are advising and follow the advice! Many of us have been here a while now and know what works and doesn't work.

Please don't measure your own progress by the (frankly dodgy) yardstick of someone who has got themselves caught up in an A.

Accept that you may not see sustained change for a while yet and let go of her coat tails. It will serve you well to do this I promise. Let go of the thought that you just need to find that magic bullet and all will be well. It doesn't work like that.

This is why people advise - focus on you. You are the one thing you can rely on here.

Please read back over recent posts, think about what you are posting, re-read the 37 rules and move forward.

You can do this my friend xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Jul 2015
Posts: 1,952
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Originally Posted By: NYGal
I think it's hopeless.


You think **what** exactly is hopeless?

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