I don't like the endorsement of serial relationships.
If someone ends the relationship, obviously we have to keep going. But I think relationships should teach us how to find happiness and make a partnership work, not how to pack it in and look for greener grass.
But that's not the world I live in, I'm working on accepting that. I touch acceptance at times. I'll get there.
You make the assumption here that the statement refers to romantic R. It doesn't and in any case who says all Rs need to work perfectly or that we should try to make them all life long?
V
I definitely considered this was aimed at non-romantic relationships, but I find it unlikely this is what the book was aimed about. Romantic relationships have a degree of intimacy far beyond friendships, and we reflect more on them when they end. Even if I'm wrong and this wasn't what the book was about I was still voicing my opinion.
I don't think all R's need to work perfectly, when I spoke of finding happiness I meant within a flawed R, not a magical unicorn that fulfilled us. Unfortunately that is what people are looking for.
As for the idea they should be permanent, I do subscribe to it. I believe we lived that way for thousands of years, in small communities, with our partners for life, raising children, being part of a bigger unit. This idea that we are individuals and should be free to pursue happiness has not led to happiness but rather widespread confusion, chaos, and discontent. The freedom to chase happiness equates to the freedom to abandon the things we later learn hold true meaning. And we rob ourselves of the chance to find happiness in what we are given as we strive to get what we think we deserve.
Again, just my thoughts. I recognize I am in the minority. Right or wrong we are in a culture in which we partner, walk, grow, partner, walk, grow, find someone that fits the new us, journey for a while, walk again, grow some more. I just think the true lesson is there to be had, and we are walking away from growth not towards it. But since this is the world I have to live with it. I am making progress. I don't agree, and I'll play my cards differently. But I won't let my disapproval interfere with my appreciation for what this life has provided for me.
Thanks V. JB, I've got some words for you too, just trying to find a way to voice it.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I get it, it is about mental health and physical health as well as looks.
Weight is one of the toughest issues to face, if the excess is arising as a result of exercise then there is resistance somewhere.
I suggest exploring physiology first. If you need volume and satiety then there are solutions. My first eye popping insight came from the BBC Horizon programmes (free on line) in 3 parts What is the right diet for you. You have nothing to lose and it's about eating regimes not diets.
Have you thought of hypno band? My latest try out! I will let you know.
Have you been tested for the hormone deficiency.
Can I recommend a book?
It's out of print and called in the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant. The core of the book is that Rs that end are just those in the meantime and part of the pathway to becoming whole. Each R teaches us a new lesson (or the old one recycled!) until we are whole. I found the book very inspiring and comforting. It was on a friends shelf and was lent to me, I bought it on Amazon for myself.
V
Lady V,
I have an appointment with a Naturapath this week, to take a complete overhaul of my health, particularly my gut health. We will see where we go.
As for Iyanla Vansant. I read in The Meantime when I was in my early 20's, after I saw her on Oprah. Iyanla was the first person I heard say "when you know better, you do better". It resonated with me as a young woman of 23-24 years. I had been out of major episode of depression about six months and was on the verge of discovering my career in social work. At the time I was reading anything I could get my hands on that would move me closer to happiness.
If I said I didnt get past the chapter on second floor in the book would that make you smile. I still had so much to learn and growing to do V. I always vowed I would come back to the book some day. Seeing the title in your post made me smile. Maybe this is a sign that I am really ready to clean house and get to the attic.
Thanks V.
Lots of a rainbow tummy love. I know you are so very tired. Rest when you can.
I totally get where you are coming from. I have always struggled with my weight. Up and down, depending on what was going on. I'm a stress eater, until I get so stressed out that I don't eat and then loose weight too quickly. Sometimes I wonder if I use my weight as a buffer to keep people away. I think I'll have to touch on that with my IC next time.
For now, I would be happy with slow weight loss. I'm eating much healthier, but do indulge in comfort food every once in a while. I love poutine (fries with gravy and cheese curds) and Havarti cheese. Mmmmmh! I have slowly gotten away from the heavy food of my heritage (German and Hungarian). I have cut out alcohol completely, thanks to my liver issues. I eat lots of fruits and vegetables and make sure to take my vitamins and supplements daily. Magnesium is really important, it helps with the absorption all the other supplements and vitamins. If I don't take it for a day I really feel it. I quit smoking in January and a couple of times I got some serious cravings to eat. I seriously wanted to eat non stop for like hours. Thankfully I had stocked up on veggies and fruits that week. Nibbled on carrots, cucumbers, tangerines and bananas the whole day.
It's not easy and I fail over and over, but there is no giving up. This is my life and this is my one and only body. I have to try my best to make it a healthy and happy body. You do what makes you happy!
A friend of mine had the lap band surgery a few years ago. She looks and feels great. She does miss eating big meals some days and most sweets will make her nauseous, but she is happy. Ironic thing is that she is a baker that owns two cupcake shops and made my wedding cake.
Just know JellyB, that inside you is a beautiful person. Bodies change. We get old. We get wrinkly. Things will sag and droop. In the end it's the inside that sustains relationships. I think once we find happiness inside of ourselves, the outside either comes along or it really doesn't matter to us anymore.
Oh and JellyB, I think you are gorgeous anyways!!! Lots of men love us bigger women. Even Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition had their first plus sized model this year.
Diana
I love that we have our Hungarian blood in common. I am a healthy person, I eat well, I exercise, I don't smoke (never have), and drink alcohol only on special occasions and sleep incrediably well. There is no reason for me to over-weight.
The constant failure is devastating and heart-breaking. I know I need to stop talking in terms like this. It is however my truth. At least for now.
I cannot have a gastric sleeve as the damage done from my gastric lapband means that sleeve is likely to leak as my stomach walls have been thinned and scarred from previous surgeries. My only option is a complete gastric bypass.
Given the outcome of my most recent surgery to remove the lapband it is likely I will not be able to have the gastric bypass by laproscopic surgery, I will likely be required to have a full incision from under my sternum to my belly-button.
This is invasive and the liklihood of complications is very high. Worse case senario is death, then possibly losing the ability to eat orally, and being required to be tube fed and there are also the complications of the upper bowel being nicked and potentially for uncontrolled bowel motions.
The other end of the continuum, is constant nausea and reguritation, and not being able to absorb minerals and vitamins, anaemia is likely.(sorry to be so graphic).
Is the risk of this, worth it. Feeling socially accepted, accepting myself. Feeling I can finally move on, being at peace with something that has been a demon and driven many depressive episodes. Hmmmmmm time will tell I guess.
Thanks for posting Diana. You know I have a huge amount of love and respect for you. Your journey and your overcoming is inspirational.
Jelly, I always love it when you show up and post on my thread. You always offer great advice and a kind word. I am so sorry that you have been struggling with weight issues. I know how painful that is and how impossible it can feel to loose it. I have been on a weight loss mission since BD. I will admit that I started walking because it was the only thing that relieved my anxiety and made me stop crying. When I was walking as fast as I could, I would get out of breath, then I couldn't cry because I was having to focus on breathing. It worked well. I walked MILES every day....and I was not a walker before that! I lost 10 lbs the very first week. Of course, that was because I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, and couldn't stop walking. I was probably walking 9 or 10miles a day during that first week. I would stop and as soon as I started to catch my breath, I'd feel worse and the tears would stop so I'd go out and walk more. I am so glad those days are over! I now walk 3-5 miles several times a week and I eat less than I did. I have lost 42 lbs so far. I wish it was coming off faster, but I will get there eventually. Have you been exercising at all? If not, walking is great for your heart and helps speed up your metabolism.
If you're wanting to do surgery, have you checked into the gastric sleeve surgery? Several women that I worked with had this done and they ALL had great results with it. The surgery is less invasive than bypass, recovery time is shorter, and complications fewer. They returned to work 2-4 weeks after the surgery. One of my good friends had it done and she looks wonderful! Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there in case you haven't heard about it.
Whether or not you loose weight, there is someone out there that is going to love you just because you're you! They will see your loving and caring heart and won't be able to resist your kindness and charm.
MB thank you so much for you post.
I celebrate you and the reward of all your hard work on getting the weight off. If is something that you want to achieve for yourself than I back you 100%.
Exercise can be so such an empowering tool for healing and managing emotion. I know I feel so much better when I use it in this way. I personally don't get a lot of personal pleasure from it as some people I wish it did. It is a chore for me. But the side effects on my health and mood cannot be denied.
Keep going MB, I hope you can transform your body in way that it feels amazing and beautiful to you.
I don't post much on your thread because you have some big hitters there, who are providing you some much more than I ever could. I do read. You have indeed traveled a journey. Be kind to yourself, through next part. Self compassion can bring so much healing to those of us, who desperately want to get it right.
I wish I had advise to give you. You are such a big help to me and I wish I could reciprocate in some way. This is such a difficult decision and I can understand your reasoning. No matter what you decide, I just hope your health and safety are prioritized. I am sure you have thoroughly researched this.
That being said, I know beautiful vibrant women that are very overweight, who attract many men and are involved in happy relationships. I also know women that are model thin that are unhappy and in unhealthy relationships. I Really believe that it comes from within.
But I also understand the stresses that are placed on women to look a certain way or to be a certain age. I never thought I would have to worry about my appearance again as a married mom in her late 30s and now it terrifies me, so I don't want you to feel that I am simply giving you the old "don't judge a book by its cover line" without really thinking over what you are going through.
I do want you to know that we all have our insecurities though.
Thanks for the support Julie. It is hard one to offer someone support on. I know there are bigger problems in the world than being a fatty. I know it makes me seem like a small minded person, a dependent person, a needy person. My ex was a parapeligic and he felt completely comfortable in his own skin, and here I was complaining about my fat and excess skin. It astounded him I think that I couldn't/wouldn't lose the weight, when he felt it was completely in my control. I just needed to apply myself more, have more discipline and focus and stop taking the easy way out, look Jelly at what I can achieve. Hmmmm I was never going to live up to that was I. All good he now has the woman of her his dreams. A champion body builder. Yes these are the comparisons I make in my head about this. It hurts.
Thanks Julie. I will pop by your thread. I know you are having hard time with being sick and parenting and feeling that H is not intiating and making reconcilation an easier process.
Jelly, you wrote "Thanks for the support Julie. It is hard one to offer someone support on. I know there are bigger problems in the world than being a fatty. I know it makes me seem like a small minded person, a dependent person, a needy person."
Not all fears are rational. Irrational fears are still fears and have the same effect on a person. Your weight is a symptom of the underlying cause. It could be mental or physical or both. Regardless of origin, it is a legitimate issue. It is unfair to you dear friend to quantify it as less as a struggle then other peoples. Look at it this way, they are all the same struggle, just appear differently. Or this way, you get homework in many different, science is different then math or psychology but at its root it's the same, homework. As far as degree of difficulty, it is all the same. Albert Einstein struggled with his math problem just like a middle school'er struggles with algebra.
All humans struggle with issues. There is no pecking order to struggles. Simple or complex this problems are just that, problems, regardless to their order of magnitude. When a 5 year old's goldfish dies is not that grief the same as a 25 year old's cousin dies? Grief is grief, struggles are struggles.
Perhaps issues from when you are young are still issues and grown up Jelly is not does not see them as such because of your "grown up" perspective. I see roots of my issues going way back.
I am beginning to realize, key word-beginning, that it may all be ego. How I filter my struggles with ego affects my actions, reactions and perspective. We are working the wrong problem Jelly. Let's work together to find out the root issues, do that algebra homework and build a funeral pyre for that goldfish.
Hi there Jelly - I've been hanging out over here without the right words to say (as usual), but also as usual mutatio said this greatly. You and V have both told me this before too. You can only base your fears and your feelings on what you know and what you have experienced. minimizing and comparing these to other's does not provide solutions. But, putting more pressure on yourself doesn't provide solutions either.
Throw the next bit out if you want as it probably won't come out right (I mean no offense to anyone and I am speaking mostly about myself in this). Most of us are not exceptional people, most of us are not going to save anyone's life or cure anything, we are not going to be in a magazine or quite frankly even draw a look from someone else. We cannot compare ourselves to those in magazines, or to the charm, confidence, and swagger of those actors. We are all mostly average and boring if you just look at the surface. But there is something in everyone that can spark a fire. Maybe we will never figure out what that is or will be afraid to show this to someone else when the opportunity arises.
I am not trying to minimize your feelings, but with the health risks as you describe them, could self-acceptance and elimination of the pressure of all of this be an option?
Much love to you Jelly u-turn
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
J I am beginning to realize, key word-beginning, that it may all be ego. How I filter my struggles with ego affects my actions, reactions and perspective. We are working the wrong problem Jelly. Let's work together to find out the root issues, do that algebra homework and build a funeral pyre for that goldfish.
Mu, can you talk to me a bit more about this. Thanks Jelly xxx
Thanks for post U, I always love to hear from you and you are welcome to my place at any time.
Just reading your post. what pressure oo you think this is pressure that I put myself under?
As I see and lets be honest I am likely not seeing this correctly as being too close to the problem. I am only trying to achieve a sense of normalcy and sense of belonging, to rid myself of pain. Sure there is the health and wellness side and that goes without saying. I am not getting any younger and extra weight matters.
I admit that there is a high level of vainty in this for me. As Mu suggested and think Zues previously posted on my last thread my ego is significantly invested in this venture of transforming this body that I have.
I am so confused about how I should feel about my own state of attractiveness and beauty.
Fo and Julie are both struggling with anger and their H right now. I hear the hurt and loss and the betrayal. Imagine that anger turned inwards. Would you not do anything to rid yourself of that.
