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Joined: Nov 2011
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Let me ask a question. Do you really want this woman to share your life b/c you love her so much you feel you can't live without her? Or.......are you thinking of the woman you want her to become? Or......is the real issue more about the attachment and desire you have for a loving companionship and to live in a happy committed environment? Is it not the security you find in marriage that you really want?

Hi Sandi - All of these things is what i would like but now I know I can live without her

I read story after story that is so similar to yours, and I have to wonder (by what is reported) how on earth the LBH would want to be that particular woman who treats him so badly. Then when I go further into his story, it seems he is fighting to hold on to the environment and security of having a partner in life. Having someone already there, available, to go with him to see a movie or have dinner, someone at home so he won't be lonely. Even if she is the b'tch from hell, and truth be told....he has no happiness with her....yet he seems to choose that option over the idea of venturing out as a single man again. The whole idea of meeting a new woman and going out to a movie, or whatever, scares him. What would he talk about to this new woman? With his old wife, he didn't have to worry about finding something to talk about.

I have thought through a lot of this since W took off her wedding rings, put our wedding photos away back in early Jan after she discovered me snooping - the straw that broke the camels back.

I have steadily dropped the rope and realized we have to split and I have to make a new life for myself without her. My energy is on my new rental, my work, my kids and my gal activities


I'm not giving any advice here, I'm just sharing what I see from a distance. I don't want to be thought of as an advocate of divorce. I just see life being very short and a person's life being worth having the love and happiness they deserve, instead of settling for being in a R where they are completely rejected and disrespected day after day. What kind of life is that? Why would anyone choose those conditions over being single?


I have felt unloved for a long time only being fed a few crumbs along the way - I miss sex and passion and kissing etc. I'm approaching 50 and want a fulfulled sex life with a woman who appreciates me for who i am

I am just asking, and I hope it doesn't sound judgmental. I have not experienced loneliness and I've been told it can lead a person to settle for second best many times. The world is full of people. People who want someone. They just need to find each other.

I have started in the piranha pool called online dating - and am getting a fair amount of attention wink
There seem to be hundreds/thousands of women aged 35-48 never married/separated/divorced/widowed in search of a genuine guy. I once put my wife's beauty and grace on a pedestal - but now see her without the rose tinted glasses - still a special woman and mother with many special qualities but not so beautiful - my eye is turning elsewhere for the first time in my M.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
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Isittoolate-

You deserve someone who appreciates you for you

How is the world of online dating treating you? I am approaching the same age and haven't even thought about this next step as i need some time to heal but as you are...I miss being loved and while I don't mine being alone as its actually a good time to reflect, rediscover what is important to me .....I do miss having a real partner as my STBX has been absent for a while

We have similar , eerily D file dates too by our W's :-)


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Me-48
Spouse-WAW 52
Married for 10 years
D7
ILYBNILWY 7/15
Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial
She files 1/2016
Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
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Hi Isit, good luck with dipping your toe into the dating pool. I'm not in favour of dating at this early stage, but some do and each to their own. I think the most important thing to take from all that happens is the learning about who we are and how we can better live our lives - be our more authentic selves.

I worry that seeking someone too quickly - and from a place where we aren't yet healed - means we miss out on some of that learning and potentially recreate similar dynamics in our new R as we had in our old one. I don't think some time alone after a R breakdown does any harm at all.

In the DRW, they suggest waiting until at least a year post D - and I think that's good advice. That's what I hope to do - and I've resolved not to date during 2016. Anyway, I just wanted to put that out there...and of course feel free to ignore the input!

I would like to ask what you feel you have learned about yourself from this experience and what you hope to continue working on? I did want to revisit my Brene Brown question and ask if there was anything in her work for you? The reason I ask is reading back through your sitch, I noticed that you seem happiest if you had marshalled what seemed like an uncontrollable situation into a list - it'll be okay....I have a list!! I'm a little the same, so I get that. But I think Brene opens up a new area - that of operating successfully and authentically when there is no list - only ourselves...

Good luck with moving. A couple of us are helping a DRW buddy move this weekend. He's been staying with his folks for a while, but just got a place of his own.

Take care, and I hope you'll keep posting even if you're dating! Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sotto beat me to it. I know you have been going through this for so very long, and it has been so very hard on you. I wish for your happiness, which i know is there waiting for you!

it is not a bad idea to really learn who you really are, in your own skin without the reliance on another.


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W - 30's
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I think everyone is different, and entering relationships for different reasons. Heck, the lady that lives next door to my Mom is divorced, recommended my attorney. And, the second week I was here, came sniffing around.

The way I feel right now, I will never trust another woman as long as I live. To think of all the times women at work or other places hit on me and I never, ever thought about it for even a second. I wasn't even flattered. Little did I know.

And even as angry as I feel sometimes, when I hear people talking bad about the W I get upset - I'm still in protective mode. The same person who'd shove a knife in my back given half the chance.

Yeah, for me a year would be too soon the way I feel now. But it's been 30 years. When the W moved out 17-18 years ago for a few months - I could have cared less. She was having a relationship and I was glad to see her gone. I should have taken that cue then. Heck, I should have taken the first one when she was cheating before we got married!

can you say character flaw?

Anyway, more power to anyone who feels they can move on regardless of time. Certainly, if it's not necessarily a serious commitment - you might move through some of your baggage by the time it is.

I know what I did wrong in my relationship - and had even changed most of it. But the W didn't see that. Fine. I've improved myself and feel better for it.


Me: 58
Her: 59
Kids: 0
Dog: 1
ILYBINILWY: 9/15
D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed)
Verified OM: 1/11/16
Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
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Hi Isit, I'm just bumping you up in hope of an update from you. Have you moved into your new flat yet my friend?

I helped a DRW friend move into his new place last week. A few of us got together and took him shopping for stuff to make his rental feel more like home - it was fun...

Thanks for the TJ news. I'm not sure if we'll get tickets - but I live close to BP, so I can probably open the windows and hear it! I may have some sort of get together at mine and we may then wander over to the park to see what's going on.

I hope you'll keep posting my friend - and that you haven't just jumped into the dating pond and we won't hear from you again. I always think we all have much to learn when our R's falter - and it's important not to bypass the learning by getting involved with someone else too soon.

Hope you are doing okay anyway and do post an update when you get chance....

Take care smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 596
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Quick Update after one month.

W and I separated on 28th Feb.

My accommodation isn't great but its cheap and I can save for the next one. I am renting from a friend and its more or less fully furnished so minimal expenses so far.

The kids seem to be coping after the initial shock. W and I converse amicably , mainly about the kids schedule and kids activities.

W has put D on hold and seems happy with the current situation, she is bending over backwards to make it work. I have been nice and cordial with her without being too available. I do minimal contact mainly via text or email except when we exchange children.

Now the important bit: How am I??

I am doing very well. I have told close friends, and got a lot of support . I am galing better than Sotto the GAL Queen! smile

Last week I was in the States working (and playing hard!) on a new project. Next week I will be in Denmark for a few days, The week after working in Gran Canaria (Holiday Island off African coast!)
I am concentrating on the boys, my work, my fitness (a big cycling challenge coming up in May) and my friends....it really keeps me very busy.

The only thing I miss is the daily connection with a significant other, the chance to talk about your day/their day, the relaxation after dinner when kids in bed...am I lonely??...a little...its a hard one to admit, but yes a little.

I'll try to fill in some details later.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
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Hey IS, was thinking of you this morning. I am glad you posted.

Glad you are keeping up with the focus on yourself, and caring for yourself.


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Hi IS

Was just thinking about you the other day when I was on Ghost's thread!

OK, so at least you have some peace to think things through. I think I always regret the 'in house' situation I was in. I feel it would be at a conclusion now if I'd moved out, so, good on you for finding a place.

It seems your W as calmed down a bit. She probably craves space right now, so let her have it. I get what you mean about physical touch/talking etc., but have some patience on this one.

It is hard to admit you're lonely, but your W will be having similar thoughts no doubt. It will come and go. I had a downer the other day but you have to keep getting out of bed and grind it out. Patience is the key isn't it? Good to see you anyway!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Hi Isit, glad to hear you made it through the separation & you're fixed up for now. It sounds like you are doing some healthy stuff for you and that's the main thing. Glad you are ramping up the GAL too. Plus a little globe trotting - I can't compete with that!!

I understand on the loneliness as I'm sure many here do. I feel that less now & quite enjoy my own space, but I remember feeling that way.

Keep posting & take care smile


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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