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clarity Offline OP
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I guess I need to move back over here.....
I honestly thought I'd be able to stay away from this place, but here we go again.....

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2647852#Post2647852

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Not sure you need this but I will post it for reference only.
Since the board has had many purges.
Take what you need and forget the rest.


Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
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Originally Posted By: mirepoi
He is in a deep depression and is having a huge pity party.

Oy Vey!

And why is this your fault?

And why do you think his MLC is OVER?


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job Offline
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I want you to know that you aren't alone and there have been others that have returned after reconciling for a while. Reconciling, working on a new marriage, as well as continuing to work on you takes a lot of hard work and sometimes, we all tend to forget that after reconciliation, it's a new marriage and we can't fall back into old ways.

So, what have you been up to since you posted here previously? I did read that you went back to school. I'm very pleased that you did that. What are your goals for the next year? If you don't have any, let's start putting pen to paper and come up w/a few.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Mirepoi, its so nice (sorry wrong word) for me to hear your story.

I have 85% moved on from my ex, but I still have this lingering want that one day I wake up and his MLC is over. The truth is, like you, this forum and therapy and Alanon has changed me too much to every go back to him. I am now am at an advanced state of self awareness and self pride that I do not think I could allow myself to compromise to him.

I can only imagine how frustrating it would be to continue to live with a man through this. I suppose its similar to living with an alcoholic, which would basically be impossible unless you were equally screwed up.

You are not alone in your journey.

Don't forget to go back to the basics. Be grateful for all you have in your life.


----
M 39
H 35
D5,D4
M 4
T 9
ILYBNILWY 5/18/11
Left 7/11/11
Divorced 12/1/13

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Hi Mirepoi,

I've read your latest posts and can't believe how much we have in common.

I, too, thought I had made it through MLC land, but things never seemed right. I was back here after a few years wondering why I was here again so soon.

I agree with Job. It could be that he didn't finish his journey for some reason. Mine apparently didn't and I found myself here again. The "new" marriage was never better, in any way whatsoever.

I've been in the same place as you. Feeling more pity than love, making him move out, considering tossing in the towel (I think I have a post along those lines), wanting to just get him out of my life just so I could have some peace and move on with my life.

I still have thoughts along those lines from time to time ... he's not done with his journey. How much more can I withstand?

The only thing I can say is to listen to what Job and others have said. Take things slowly. Be sure that calling it quits is the best thing for you, not only in your head, but in your heart.

I suppose the question you have to ask is do you have anything more to give? I didn't think I did, but realized I wasn't ready to throw in the towel. But I'm definitely not an expert ... just a fellow traveler.

My heart goes out to you because I so understand where you are. I've been there ... am there ... depending on the day.

{{{hugs}}}


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Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown
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clarity Offline OP
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I've had an exceptionally long day at work today and I am exhausted, but I feel good.

Lately I have enjoyed coming home.
For the last 6 months I hated it.
I would walk through the door each day and would have to listen to every single detail of my Husband's day. He never had anything positive to say.He never asked how my day was, he would just complain about whatever the kids did to annoy him.

So now things are different at home.
The kids seem happier, they don't all hide out in their rooms, they actually sit in the living room and spend time together.
That was one of the things that really bothered me, our family time basically disappeared. It didn't matter what was going on, my Husband always found a way to be the center of attention and ruin everything.

As far as MLC goes, I don't know if that's what's wrong or if he is just a selfish and mean person who refuses to grow up.

He acts like a belligerent teenager. He is depressed. He has huge bouts of self pity.He wants a pat on the back every-time he does something and some type of recognition.It got to the point where I stopped asking for help because I would receive a lecture.

Yesterday I asked him to remove his name from our joint accounts at the bank, which he agreed to do. I signed the paperwork, it is done.He has no accountability when it comes to finances and is reckless and irresponsible.It's sad that after 30 years this is what has to happen.

I didn't mention that he has been unemployed for the past 18 months. But his response to this was that as he has supported the family for the past 30 years it is now my turn.He picks up some freelance jobs here and there, but not enough to support the family. And now that I removed his name from our accounts, I doubt very much that he will contribute in any way.

I need to respond to some of the posts I received, but first I have to get dinner started for the kids.

Thanks for listening

XXX

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clarity Offline OP
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Job,
I have a full time job that I really enjoy which is a plus.
I had planned to continue my education but that has to be on hold for a bit mainly due to finances and time restraints.
I think there may be something online which I will eventually look into.
I was taking 18 units a semester (yep, I know that's insane) but I really loved it.It had been over twenty years since I had taken any college classes and for the first time in ages, I felt so alive.I always felt so "less than" because my Husband was so well educated, and so was the OW. Once I started taking classes I realized that I had nothing to prove to anyone but myself.
I have been having some health issues that I am finally taking care of.Between menopause, my asthma and allergies and my thyroid playing havoc with my body it is time to lose some weight and get healthy again.
Too bad I am no longer a victim of the LBS diet smile
In about four years the youngest will be off to college (when I first posted here he was only 3) so it's really important for me to focus and get things together.
I don't know what other goals I have other than those.

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clarity Offline OP
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2times2many,
Thank you.
It is hard isn't it?
I honestly don't know at this point what it is that I want to do anymore.
I know I don't want to spend the rest of my life waiting for a "normal" non-MLC relationship. I've already invested over 30 years of my life and he has sucked me dry of my emotions and my strength.
I don't hate him, I pity him. I feel sad for him that he is missing out on having a relationship with his really awesome kids because he is so into himself.
I learned a long time ago that you can't force people to change, and if he has returned to his MLC there is nothing I can do to speed things along.
He made so many promises after he came home. He was gone for 3 years. I believed everything he said. I welcomed him back and didn't put any conditions on him.
And yet here I am again.....

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clarity Offline OP
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Bklynmom,
Thank you.
I am finally doing things for myself and am enjoying my life.
It would have been nice if my Husband had been a part of it.
I really thought the MLC monster was in the past, but alas, it raised it's ugly head again.
In hindsight, he should have gone into therapy and dealt with the aftermath properly when he first came home.
Shoulda
Woulda
Coulda

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