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ATPeace Offline OP
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I hear what you are saying

My W has booked in work for the next 4 weeks working nights she is off till Monday then working till Sunday I would need to be here to look after the children then she drops to a three night a week job

I do not know the legality of me moving to my parents if I go then she might suggest that I go for good I would be happy to go for a few weeks to give some space but would want to come back


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Oct 2014
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Ghost, I'm sorry to read about your convo with your W. I think it's an example of her trying to move things in 'her' direction and you resisting and trying to move them in 'your' direction - and then you lost control of your emotions and started acting out and she then got angry....can you see the pattern?

From where I'm sitting, I'm guessing you guys may separate and I don't think that's a bad thing. I think you need to be in a really strong place to handle in-house separation and in truth, you have some work to do on yourself before you guys even have a chance here.

The big thing for you to work on is your own fear of how you will cope alone (with help from your IC) - because this is what may happen with your life and you need to get yourself to a place where you can handle that and be okay. We all know it isn't what you want - but it may happen - and we all want you to live the best life you can, given all circumstances.

I think the best thing to do now would be engage, in a constructive way, with what your W wants - arrange to get the leak fixed and the house closer to listing..

JMHO - and keep posting my friend. You are never alone, as we are all here for you xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Hi sotto

Thank you for checking in on my sitch.

I struggle so much with the thought of being alone and not having her with me
For the past 25 years she has always been with me and I am [censored] scared on her not being around

I will speak to my IC about how I frame my mind to being on my own even the thought of me moving to my mums fills me with fear it is just one step closer to divorce and us being apart

I really struggle with this being alone I will try to do more things in my own and see if I can work out what I need to do to deal with this

Thank you

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Yes, I think managing and coping with the fear is the no 1. Priority. The fact is S may happen....and my guess is if it does, the reality will be FAR less bad than the fear...

But I think you need to address the fear anyway. Staying together out of fear for the alternative isn't a good plan anyway...

When is your next IC appt? X


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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G - My heart is breaking for you. You fear being alone, you're terrified of losing your marriage...you're not seeing what is right in front of you.

Your M is gone, poof! It's over. The old one is finished. Please sit with this thought for a good long time. You are completely alone. You're living in a house with other people. That's all you're doing at the moment.

There is a possibility you can build a new M. That new one will never, ever be built from the position you are in now. You're coming across like a crazed, desperate man. That's probably exactly how you feel, but think about this: What woman in her right mind is going to want to be with a man like that?

You're getting great advice, and you are resisting it until the bitter end. You are making the situation WORSE. Your family is being torn to shreds, and the person most at fault is you. Of course, you don't mean to do it. It's happening anyways because you're desperately hanging on to something that isn't there.

Leave. Let your W figure out child-care. Get a hotel for a week or two, and have her drop the kids off to you. Stop making everything so very easy for her. You need to get out for your own peace of mind. I think some space would do wonders for you.

Rid yourself of the fear of D. It's already happened, on an emotional level for your W. Your M is dead in the water, G. You're not working on anything - there's nothing to work on. You're treading water in some of the foulest, tainted water to be found on this earth. You will never be a healthy man staying in that cesspool.

I'm speaking plainly, G - not because I don't care, but because I do. I've tried being gentle, and it didn't quite get through. Please, please listen. You need to get out and clear your head. What is the worst thing that can happen if you take a short break? Face it, make plans if the worst comes to past, and then pack a bag.

Your behavior, especially in front of the child, scares me. That is abusive...to the child! Get a hotel, face your fears, see your IC, and start making some decisions. Please accept your old M is gone. IT'S OVER.

Whether you can build a new one or not is completely up to you, and whether you listen to what you're being told. You, YOU, need some space and a quiet place to think. The worst thing that can happen is not that you wind up getting D. The worst thing will be if you lose your children forever. Keep antagonizing your W, and you are facing some harsh consequences. She can turn them against you, so they never want to see you again. You're not giving her much of a person to like.

I don't know what else to say, G. It's time. You need to separate.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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ATPeace Offline OP
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Ok so spoken to my mum she is not happy about me moving home she feels that I need to stay in the house to protect my interest in the property

I will speak to a solicitor Monday or Tuesday my mum would rather me stay in the house but go pretty much no contact

Also on a side note I took my children to my mums tonight for them to see her my W was complaining to me because it is my little girls bedtime at 7.30 and we were not leaving till 6:45pm it is not like our daughter has never been later to bed ...in fact frequently when we went to my mums we would often get home after 9.30pm

What is it going to be like when we are living in separate houses will my W still want to tell me what I do and do not do and if I upset her will she try and stop me from having Her?

I am Feeling totally despondent and,resigned,to what is happening absolutely


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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After your actions with trying to stop her leaving, I am concerned that the longer you put off getting out of there, it is something very bad waiting to happen.

Look, you don't have to move in with your mother. Just go stay with her.

Does your mother have any idea what mind of emotional/mental shape you are in right now? Does she know the extent of fear in being alone? Did she abandon you when you were a baby? Have you ever talked to her about your fear?

Now let me ask you if your W knows how afraid you are?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Hi Ghost. Listen buddy, you are nearing rock bottom and maybe reality is starting to set in This might be a good thing. Sometimes we need the slap in the face to see what's In front of you.

This M was over the day of W telling you That doesn't mean a new R isn't possible ime a but it does mean the old M is done. Yesterday could have gone very badly for you and I hope it was a wake up call

Your mom is on the money with the L and this is a top priority and comes before all else Also Mom is right about NC , treat W like a neighbour and you have no R talks until L visit is over , nothing , not even if W begs.

Ghost , I feel W is scared and stressed and those aren't a great mix.

Take a step back and do nothing that could be seen as antagonistic.

Take care. Rd

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ATPeace Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
After your actions with trying to stop her leaving, I am concerned that the longer you put off getting out of there, it is something very bad waiting to happen.

Look, you don't have to move in with your mother. Just go stay with her.

Does your mother have any idea what mind of emotional/mental shape you are in right now? Does she know the extent of fear in being alone? Did she abandon you when you were a baby? Have you ever talked to her about your fear?I do not believe that she abandoned me when I was a child I have not asked her ...she knows how afraid I am being alone

Now let me ask you if your W knows how afraid you are? I do not think she knows I have not told her




Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
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Your mum is talking sense here.

You do need an L as well as an IC.

Hugs

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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