Sunday morning, I finally have a day off from work. I am enjoying the quiet of the house and not having any feeling of urgency. My Husband moved out three weeks ago. It wasn't his choice this time, it was mine. For over a year I have asked him to take care of some issues that were important for both of us and he ignored me. I brought the subject up again in October, and I was ignored. So, after Christmas I gave him an ultimatum, and was ignored again. But he did move out and is now living with his mother. I sleep better, I am at peace, and happier. I have no plans at this time to do anything legal, I just want to take my time to figure things out properly. I have no desire to see or date anyone, I only want to focus on myself, my kids and my job. My Husband actually text me to let me know he had finally taken care of two of the issues. He was very proud of himself. He doesn't understand that all of this was so unnecessary, and doesn't get the part of seeing how exasperated I had become. All he sees is that he is doing what he was supposed to do so everything should be OK again. Well, it isn't OK. I really believe in the "faithful in a little, faithful in a lot" and if a person can't follow through with the small things, then how can they be trusted to do the big stuff?
I would probably get more replies if I acted desperate and wanted ways to win my husband back, huh? The truth of the matter is this.... I did all of that several years ago. I used to cry myself to sleep and live on a diet of coffee and cigarettes while he was in MLC land. I used to snoop and have anxiety attacks just thinking about him and the OW.I used to analyze his every word or move and there are pages and pages of my posts on this forum. I spent hours on here, and it really did help me. But now, I am emotionally spent. Divorce-busting taught me how to get a life. I don't want to deal with any more BS. I want him to grow up, but I don't think he is capable of doing so. I am trying to figure out how I feel and the only word that keeps coming to mind is pity, not love. I honestly don't know why I haven't filed for divorce after 30 years of marriage. That's another thing I am trying to figure out.
Hi From what you have said I am very sorry for the pain you had to endure, MLC's are one of the most destructive things. There are things and circumstances that lead up to these crisis's are you absolutely certain that these issues he has are not rooted in something else. I used to think my wife did not understand me, the reality was it was me who had the issues and a lot of the things I did not like about her stemed from the way I treated her, I have now taken responsibility for and changed my thinking now I understand this!
H 50 W 46 T 31 M 24 EA 11.11.15 PA not sure. Dx3 Separated 5.12.15 (not legally)
Mirepoi, May I ask you a question? Why didn't you post over in the MLC Forum? It sounds like what is happening in your situation is the fallout of reconciling w/a MLCer. It's been a while since you left the Forum and I sense from your posting that things didn't change w/your h or your marriage fell back into old habits.
Did your h finish up his crisis or did he snap out of it because of something going on w/you and his family? If that is the case, then he may very well go back into crisis again. Did you reconcile too quickly? Both of you are entirely different people now and if he did complete his crisis, he may not be the same person that he once was and you probably aren't either. Expectations have a way of disappointing us.
I do understand the "pity", not love, feeling for him. He doesn't see what is going on around him, nor has he done the necessary work to grow up. Living w/mom won't help him either because there is someone there still to take care of him.
Divorce is a very serious decision and one you need to think about. Ask yourself this...can I continue as I have been for the next 5, 10 or 20 years w/this man? Do you want to continue being his "mother"? If you can honestly say no to these questions, then you will need sit quietly for a bit and think about how you would go about living your life as a single woman and not have him in your life. Don't make any decisions until you have had time to think about them.
I remember well your diet of coffee, cigarettes and chocolate. You had a very difficult time dealing w/his MLC for a while. Yes, you spent many, many hours over on the MLC Forum and I'm glad that it helped you to put things into print and have posters there to assist you.
For now, you need to focus on you, your life and your finances. BTW, I'm not surprised that you are questioning whether to stay w/him or not. Reconciling w/someone either in crisis or who has recovered is difficult and time consuming and it will try the patience of "JOB". Some will make it and others will opt to call it quits. If you opt to call it quits, just remember, you gave it your best shot and you are not a failure.
As for your h, he needs time and space to grow up...but the question still hangs in the balance...will he?
I'll pop back around to check on you later.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am afraid I now know who you are, so sorry to hear this.
I agree with Job post on MLC forum, although it seems to me you should be giving us advice vs the other way around. Seems to me you used to have a charlie brown shack, or was that Lucy, right?
Job, You are right on all counts. I feel resentful because I worked so hard to try and do the right thing. I followed all of the "rules" and welcomed him home with no questions asked. I worked on myself and I actually was very proud of all of the changes I made. I went back to school and finally earned that degree I really tried my best. But he remained stagnant. Yes, there were some changes, and some of them were positive, it hasn't been all bad. But the things that have remained the same are the things that drain me emotionally. I have kids, I don't want any more. I wanted a Husband, not a man-child. On a positive note, he started seeing a therapist last week. He knows there is a problem. He knows I am not the cause of it. This much he has shared with me. He is in a deep depression and is having a huge pity party. I guess I need to move back to the MLC forum. Oy Vey!
