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Love this!! Good for you for finding your own sense of joy and light, especially in the middle of pain and relational chaos.

You're awesome Mona, and I'm sure your kids appreciate now but will also look back and know just how hard it was for you and how you made it amazing for them despite your own pain.

This post warmed my heart!

Big hug to you,

PP


M 39 W 36
T5 M3
BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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Mona, I never posted on your thread, but I have Read a few of them.

YOU ARE AWESOME! I love your outlook and confidence and the way in which you have overcome hardships. (You even still do favors for your husband ) You don't just talk the talk.

My goal (from 8 months ago ) has always been to try to become more positive in my way of thinking. I want to be happy regardless of my situation. I want to have fun again. I know rationally that we are in charge of our thoughts, but I have trouble implementing this and being consistent with it (except when I am at work)

I think I am going to catch up on how you have been able to accomplish this. I think you are one of the most inspirational of posters. Thank you.

smile Julie


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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Mona52 Offline OP
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Thanks Rouky!! You always make me feel amazing.

Thanks Mut, I love the time as well! The last time i went through this mess, I grabbed onto my kids so tightly and appreciated them every single night. At the end of my days I will not look back and say they grew up so quick and I missed it,because I was so focused on them every day smile

Thanks mustardseed! I am the opposite I think. I can dance anywhere but singing is hard for me, lol. But it is still lovely.

Painter you dont have to hope to be where I am. That is 100% in your control smile

((((PP)))) Thanks for stopping by. Your hugs are the bestest!!

JujuB, even though you dont want to, go do stuff with other people. And while there, force belly laughs as much as possible. I did not want to go anywhere at first. And the places I went to were full of old people and not cool people. But I went. I found one thing I was good at and built on that. And when I spoke to these new people, I tried to force myself to joke and laugh as much as possible. Soon, what I was forcing myself to do was really what I wanted to do. That turned into what I would die NOT to do, and now I cant imagine NOT doing what I do.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
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Quote:
I did not want to go anywhere at first. And the places I went to were full of old people and not cool people. But I went. I found one thing I was good at and built on that. And when I spoke to these new people, I tried to force myself to joke and laugh as much as possible. Soon, what I was forcing myself to do was really what I wanted to do. That turned into what I would die NOT to do, and now I cant imagine NOT doing what I do.


And that is why you rock.

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Maximum drama this weekend.

My criminal sister is completely out of control. We went to her PO and asked for help because she is always completely high, and she burglarizes houses all day and night now.

She took her daughter's cards and spent every single penny her daughter had in her 5 checking and savings accounts. Her D is 24 and is a single mom with a GED. Her D allows my sis, her husband and their five small boys to live with her, her new girlfriend and her S7.

My sis keeps stealing all the money in the house, now my niece and my sis's H have no idea how rent will get paid.

My sis threatened to burn the house down with the kids in it while everyone slept at night multiple times.

We went to her PO in Friday. He said he would not do anything until Monday (today).

Yesterday she spent the morning threatening her H and my niece (her own D). She threatened to kill everyone in the house. We went to the police. They cant help they said. Unless she actually hurts someone, they cannot help.

By 9:30 last night I felt we tried everything we could legally. She showed up at her house. My niece texted me. My niece gave her 15 minutes to say goodbye to her kids, and then she had to leave. She could not stay there. My sis never speaks to her kids anymore, but last night she HAD to read to them...
I got in my car and was ready to go to jail last night. I was not interested in removing her from the house or trying again to talk her into rehab. I prayed the whole time I was racing there that she stayed right where she was. I was not going to lay my head on my pillow last night until I put her in the hospital.

All I could see was red. I could not think clearly, and I was actually happy I was finally able to get rid of some of the hurt and betrayal my sis heaped on top of me over the years.

She left 2 minutes before I got there.

I felt so frustrated and unsatisfied today. It was so bad I woke up way before the sun and and could not fall back to sleep.

I did the strangest thing to make me feel better.

Chris's father broke his ankle a few days ago. I dont really know Chris's family yet, but as old as Chris is, he father cant be a spring chicken. I can imagine a broken ankle will make his life very difficult for a while. Today is Monday, and every Monday I drive up to Chris's house, which is right down the street from his father's house.

So this morning, before the crack of dawn, I made a bunch of roast beef sandwiches, potato salad, macaroni salad and cup cakes. Now I have a bag of food I will give to Chris and he can give it to his dad to make his life a tiny bit better.

Literally, I started making the sandwiches by ripping the bread apart and throwing the beef on the bread, grumbling under my breath, yelling at the dog to leave me alone. I burnt my fingers cutting up the potatoes and I think that was what finally started to snap me out of my anger. When my fingers burnt I felt like saying "forget this, he doesn't need potato salad!" But then I really started thinking about him not being able to cook dinner and him eating the sandwich, which would be fine to eat with plain old chips. Then I pictured him with the potato salad and maybe he would really like it and think it tasted good. Finally I was able to pull my mind off my sis and focus on helping someone else and by the time I woke my kids up I was ALMOST back to normal.

I was not completely back to normal. I did scream at my eldest daughter this morning, but she was being a complete spoiled brat.

I am at work now and I am feeling like myself, under control. I still feel disappointed.

Chris has been an absolute wonder this weekend. He was so attentive and romantic and happy. He took me to dinner and I bought movie tickets. Even though he is not a huge comic book fan, and even though I saw it before, he went with me to see Deadpool again. OMG that movie is hilarious! I had the best night. It is so nice to go over there and spend a few hours NOT as mommy or bill payer or daughter or emergency fixer or any of the other titles that wear me down. He has zero expectations for me so I can just relax and enjoy myself for a few hours.

My H texted me while I was on my way to see Chris on Saturday. I ignored his text until Sunday morning when I got home. Then my H blew me away.

In case you dont remember...

We lived in the city. In august I kicked my H out. He moved in with my mom. My mom lives in a house with actual grass, in the city me and the kids lived in the middle of a row of homes.

My mom wanted to move in with her BF. So H moved out of my mom's house and Me and the kids moved in.

But I am still paying rent on the house in the city. I still have a lot of stuff in there and it is very hard for me to move it all myself. SO I have been moving a little bit at a time.

My H flat out refused to help me at all.

Until...

Sunday he sent me a text saying in April, he was going to get his sons to go in and clear out the rest of the house!

I dont believe him of course, lol. But it was a nice nice text.

I am going to use the money I will save on rent and file for the D myself. I really want my old name back and I really want to be divorced. I am not saying I am done with my M.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 569
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Mona52 Offline OP
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ooops, I must have hit submit by mistake...

anyway...

I am 100% done with my old M and I want it killed officially. as soon as possible.

Once I am divorced and truly free, the I will plan the future.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Sep 2015
Posts: 1,965
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Hey Mona,
I must have missed out on a lot of stuff.

Sorry to hear about your sis but yay about Chris!

Reading this just puts me in awe of you and makes me love you even more! I want dibbs on you!

You are such a kind and loving soul to think of others when so much is going on around you.

(((Mona)))


You can call me Dory/ Grl.

As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"

It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
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OMG, Did you call dibbs on me?????
What an amazing Monday!


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 569
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Mona52 Offline OP
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Well,I just got into a fight with my H.

I will claim a certain amount of fault for it, but not 100%.

My H, out of the blue offered to help me move our stuff out of the house. I am sorry, but this is SO far out of character for him that I started to wonder what he was really up to.

It occurred to me that he wanted the house cleared to help my sis.

SO...

I texted him and thanked him for the help, but told him that if he was helping me for my sis, I would prosecute to the fullest extent of the law.

Well, golly gee, guess what happened. Me saying I dont trust him hurt his feelings...

Now he is all upset because I hurt his feelings. He said when I was ready to trust him, he would be my friend again.

I told him I will not blindly trust him and I was sorry he could not understand how I feel.

I also told him i was not surprised he could not understand how I feel and when he was ready to accept me, as I am, and accept the fact that I do not trust then he could think of a friendship with me, but I was not even going to try and change for him. I am who I am.

It is always amazing how the people who beat you up are always shocked and hurt when you finally protect yourself from it.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 569
M
Mona52 Offline OP
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Lol, my child of a h made a mistake yesterday. I cannot tell if he did it on purpose or not, but it does not matter either way.

We had that spat where I hurt his poor feelings because I said I did not trust him. He said we cant be friends until I am ready to trust him. I told him I will not trust him and if he wanted my friendship he would have to take me as-is and not expect me to trust him. And if he could not do that then I did not need him as a friend.

His answering reply was cryptic.

"I accept that"

I had no idea what that meant, but I did not really care. The fact is he needs me and I dont need him. The fact is he behaved VERY badly for 20 years and I have not. The fact is, I do not OWE him anything, he, however owes me so much more than I will ever receive. The fact is, I deserve friends who are happy with me exactly who I am and do not want me to change a single thing.

I guess his reply meant that he accepts the fact I do not trust him, because while I was cooking dinner I got a text:

H: Have you watched sons of anarchy series?
H: If not, you really have to watch it. It's freaking awesome. Not a show for the kids lol
H: Its on Netflix. Trust me, you will love it.
H: Another one I started watching on xfinity is Viking. D@mn good show.

I have no idea where this outpouring of words came from, but this is what I got yesterday.

The last few days he has been texting more and more about nothing.

AND THEN...

About an hour after those text messages:

H: I'm home baby. All yours :*

yep. The idiot texted me when he meant to text his girlfriend...

I sent him a text back letting him know he texted me by accident.

H: Ugh sry
H: I'm so sry frown


I wont lie, it was very very painful. I got the text when i was in the car. I had to drive an hour and a half away so I had time to face the fact, feel the pain, and get over it before the end of the car ride. It did not send me into a tail spin. It did not make me cry.

This morning I thought about it again, but it was not my first waking thought. I had two hours of good thoughts on other things before I even remembered his mistake.

My traitor mind keeps going back to that text, but I am easily able to refocus on other things.

Chris bought me a small pair of earrings last night. I am not a girly girl that care about jewelry. If he never bought me so much as a ring I would not care. But, he went out and picked a pair of earrings that perfectly matches the necklace he got me, so it was very very sweet. The earrings came with a card saying how amazing I am.

So, I can easily push any action from jerkface right out of my head.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
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