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A Message from Michele
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Re: Raliced- Joining the band [Re: Underdog] #2664894
03/25/16 06:23 AM
03/25/16 06:23 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline OP
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raliced  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
Betsey - Thank you for the kind words about D4. I learned something new about myself during that week of doctor's appointments and that is that in my post-divorce life, I find that when something bad happens, I'm a lot more likely to entertain the worst case scenario.

Originally Posted By: Underdog
now that you're divorced, there is a good chance OW is putting pressure on him to make things more permanent. It's a lot easier to take this out on you (especially if he blames you for the demise in your R, as stupid as that is) than it is to take it up with her.


I'm sure you're right - although their relationship seems pretty weird to me. First they live together, now they don't - and after seeing the kids on a weekly basis for a year - now she doesn't see them at all? Also his mom was just out here for D8's birthday and still no introduction. When he and I dated he could not wait to introduce me to his mom. Well, whatever, that's OW's headache to deal with. And not only does XH probably blame me for everything in the marriage, I have to say, it sure feels like he is doing his best to view me as a mean-spirited, vindictive b**** sometimes. He's forgotten to give me the CS check once or twice when we normally do it at child exchange the last week of the month, and then I get flooded with texts about how he didn't mean to do it - and he can make a special trip to drop it off, FedEx it etc. And I just reaffirm what I have told him in the past - that it isn't a big deal as long as I get it by the 15th. And if he ever has a cash flow problem one month - he just needs to let me know ahead of time and we can work something out. When the girls were sick last month and we agreed that he needed to take a day off from work to watch them after I had taken off several days, he copied me on the e-mail to his bosses to prove to me he had asked for the time off (something I would have never questioned).

You know - I never even hired a lawyer to represent me in court (I did have one look over what I had negotiated and what XH's lawyers wrote up to make sure everything looked good - but XH doesn't know that). I've accommodated every schedule request without issue(he has 10X the number that I do). I say nice things about him to the girls - I don't get how he finds the space to paint me as the bad guy - but I sure think he does.

I guess I will just take your advice, try to shrug my shoulders and say "Isn't that interesting?". wink


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: Raliced- Joining the band [Re: raliced] #2665565
03/28/16 06:48 PM
03/28/16 06:48 PM
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Maybell Offline
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Maybell  Offline
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Posts: 3,500
I wish he could see you the way I do -- you're THE BOMB. People who try to manipulate reality are pretty obvious and only fooling themselves. It must be exhausting to try to deal with him.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Re: Raliced- Joining the band [Re: Maybell] #2672150
04/27/16 05:52 AM
04/27/16 05:52 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline OP
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raliced  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
I guess it's time for a quick update or my thread will drop off the forum.

It's a busy time right now. I'd like to refinance the house, rather than assume the mortgage, before rates start to go up, so for a variety of reasons - I'm trying to get some more major work done around the house so that a refinance appraisal would have the best chance at coming in at a good price. Most of these are sort of hybrid projects - i.e.- the deck needs to be replaced - and I can't handle the carpentry, but I can do the painting etc. Our divorce agreement actually says I should get him off the mortgage "at the earliest time I am able" and doesn't specify a date - but it would be nice to get it done, and get it done in a way that brings me some benefit as well.

And then some stuff has been going on at work. Some co-workers have left, their positions are hard to fill, and so I'm "covering" a lot of extra work. I know the reality is, that if I step up to the plate in a major way, I can probably leverage this into a promotion (which would make my financial situation a lot more comfortable), and I'm trying to pysch myself up to substantially overachieve for a while - but I'm finding it a little difficult to find enough energy - I must be getting older wink. Coffee can only do so much...

As usual there is still some weirdness with XH. I opened this thread by explaining that he had informed me that he had shut off the internet at his house (thus limiting my possible communication time - even though I rarely write - and it's always strictly kid logistics). It's become clear since then that he had it turned back on - but didn't bother to tell me (so that I could send these kinds of messages in a more timely fashion).

I was reflecting the other day, that he has a weirdly segmented life. He has days that he works (and does nothing at all with the kids), days that he spends with the kids and days that he spends with his girlfriend, and none of the worlds seem to really touch each other. I think that probably works for him - it wouldn't for me.

I had to write him the other day - because D8's swim season is about to start and I need him to help me with the volunteer commitment. Last year I handled it on my own - but I just can't do that again. So - I sent him an explanation of what the volunteer hours are, why they are important (D8 might not get a spot on the team next year if we don't do them) and a proposal that would split the time between us as painlessly as possible and without the need to actually spend any time together. Crickets. I would really like to get to a point when I can just dash off a quick note about these kinds of things - but he seems to take offense at the littlest things - and I feel like I have to wordsmith everything just right - in this case tell him I need help without him being able to point at anything that might be interpreted as my insinuating that he doesn't help enough.

My former FIL was out last week to bring him MIL's old car. She upgrades after three years and decided to give him this one. I confess his good fortune irked me for a day or two - but that car will be much more comfortable and reliable for the girls than his truck - so I got over it. It was nice to see FIL - he came by to inspect my house (he's never seen it), gave me some helpful tips and a pat on the back for doing a good job with it.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: Raliced- Joining the band [Re: raliced] #2677213
05/13/16 07:34 PM
05/13/16 07:34 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Mozza Offline
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Mozza  Offline
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Dear raliced,

There's something I need to tell you and I don't want you to take it the wrong way. I want to make sure I phrase things properly, but please don't take offense if I fail; it's just a slip and I mean no harm. Please bear with me here as I look for a way to open up about something very minor and with no intention of hurting or upsetting you.

See what I did there? wink It was just a joke to suggest that maybe your "wordsmitting" is not really helping to smooth things out. Shorter, more direct emails are harder to interpret and easier to respond to. In fact, I don't think you're asking your XH for "help": you're just informing him of something you both have to do, as parents. So maybe a simple: "Hey, there are X hours of volunteering to do at the pool so that D8 remains in the team next year. Let's split it in half in a way that fits our schedules. I can take June and July, you can take August. Is that ok?"

I don't even know what your emails really look like (probably not like my intro!), so this is just an idea and you see if it resonates.

Another idea is that you can ignore his emotional reaction and respond with "Sorry" and move on. It's kind of how things go with STBX and it keeps the emotional involvement at a minimum. If I make a bigger deal of something, her short reaction makes me feel kind of silly (and vice versa, I'd say).

Finally, I'd suggest that we humans have a tendency to interpret other people's reaction as "offensive" when they are simply defensive. How many times have I seen shy people be perceived as aloof? So his silence might not be that he's upset, but that he's just unsure about how to deal with it, what kind of availability to offer. In any case, giving people the benefit of the doubt is most likely to benefit us.

By the way, my STBX and I have an agreement that we'll respond to emails within 72 hours. She asked and I agreed. It works well.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Raliced- Joining the band [Re: Mozza] #2677232
05/13/16 08:52 PM
05/13/16 08:52 PM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline OP
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raliced  Offline OP
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Hah - Mozza - I assure you my emails sound nothing like that. grin

However - yes I do wordsmith and I definitely overthink things. In this case - I got hung up on feeling I needed to explain why he needed to help this year and not last, without suggesting he hadn't been pulling his weight last year.

Partially this is because you and several other male posters on this board have pointed out that guys can be sensitive to critiques of their parenting (see it's really your fault, Mozza wink ). While I don't think I've ever been overly critical - I guess I am now extra cognizant that could be a land mine - so I try to avoid it.

The other reason is that at kid drop off he sometimes is sort of normal and sometimes is unaccountably hostile (we exchanged the girls at swim practice today and he instantly turned on his heel and stalked off without a word). I can't help but think sometimes I have inadvertently annoyed or upset him - so I guess I try to be cautious about anything I might be saying or writing that might be contributing to this moodiness. Why do I care about his moods? I dunno, it just seems like life would be easier if we could exchange a few token pleasantries in front of the kids, you know? And by the way - I know too, that what I am interpreting as hostility may be nothing of the sort - maybe he's just upset at saying good bye to the girls.

So all that being said - I will keep in mind your advice of keeping things brief. He did eventually respond, claiming internet difficulties and he accepted my proposal with no difficulty.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
Re: Raliced- Joining the band [Re: raliced] #2801650
07/17/18 04:17 AM
07/17/18 04:17 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Mozza Offline
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Hello Raliced - I see that you haven't posted in years on your thread, but I saw updates in the last year on other people's threads and on the off-chance that you might see this, I simply wanted to say hello and thanks for the update. I truly enjoyed our exchanges at the time and I stayed with an interest in what happens with you.

I saw that XH married his OW and the same happened to my XW and her OM a couple of months ago. I can't say that I would have predicted this at S, but like you I took it peacefully. It was a bit rough for a couple of days, but then I got over it. It was a tad annoying to hear the kids anticipate it, but I tried not to show them. I suspect the (civil) ceremony was a bit of a letdown because they barely mentioned it the week after. Anyway, I hope it brings stability to your XH and by extension to you and your kids.

I'm in an R for almost 2 years now but I relate to what you said to GeorgiaBelle about the "fragility of romantic relationships". Even in a peaceful relationship (much more peaceful than with XW, even in our beginnings), I feel like I'm handling a powder keg when in love. I use to be way too confident that love lasts forever, and now it's the opposite and I'm hyper aware of the hurt it can cause me and others. Still, I have the call and cannot be at peace alone like you are, so I choose to handle said keg carefully.

Safe travels!


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Re: Raliced- Joining the band [Re: Mozza] #2801889
07/18/18 03:16 AM
07/18/18 03:16 AM
Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
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raliced Offline OP
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raliced  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2014
Posts: 955
Northern California
Mozza,

What a treat to find a message from you here! I think of you and others from our DB "class" regularly and it's so nice to hear that you are healthy and happy. I swing by the forum often but don't generally post. Many of the posters here are dealing with the travails of dating and that still is not a path I am interested in, so I have little of value to add.

Yes. My XH married his OW about a year ago. Of course nothing he does is normal. He first mentioned it to the kids about 3 months after it happened, told them not to tell me because "your mom wouldn't like it" and I only found out because my sister saw a stray Facebook post from his now wife to his mother (his Mom is still friends with me and all my family, and while I apparently have been proactively blocked, they forgot to block the rest of my family). Anyway - I was mostly relieved because it makes things feel more settled and she doesn't seem to have much interest in butting into the kid's lives. He still lives apart from her for the two days a week he has the kids. I try not to expend much mental energy on it anymore. His parenting style is generally to keep them entertained nonstop- but things could be worse. I can only control what goes on in my house, and I try to focus on keeping that as stable and loving as possible.

I finally got a long desired promotion earlier this summer. The good news is some of my financial pressures have therefore been relieved, but I inherited a team that is an HR nightmare, so it has been a draining couple of months. Blue skies ahead though, I'm sure. Also, my elderly mother needed to move in with me, so life has become a juggling act of home health aides, Senior Day Care, cardiology appointments, in addition to the usual swirl of kid sport practices and music lessons. I've decided this is just my decade to toil :-) .

I'm happy to hear your romantic relationship has resumed and is moving forward. I'm very proud of you and the others I know from my darkest days here who have moved on. Romance is just not in the cards for me right now. My heart feels full yet irretrievably damaged most days. Someday that may change. I was in a meeting with one of the doctors I work with and he was explaining a technical/clinical issue they are having with our new electronic health record. One constant in my romantic life has always been an attraction to dark haired men, but when I listened to him make this rather dry subject matter sound compelling and interesting I did look at him and think "Huh, maybe I should give blondes a chance one of these days :-).

So happy to hear from you , Mozza. Stay well.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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