My wife said this summer in August she wasn't happy. Didn't feel the same way and was struggling as she didn't have the love she felt in our relationship anymore.
We have had issues the last 3 years or so and did randomly go to counseling but never consistent. I didnt' worship her and treat her like she should have been for those years as we went thru alot of issues with my mom who was sick and wife took care of her schlepping her around to doctors etc...We had other family issues of nobody helping and stress all around with work etc...
I checked out.
She thought she wanted some space or a separation but we have come full circle and she wants a divorce. Now I did all the wrongs things that folks say not to do here but she is strong headed woman and her heart is cold to me now. She feels we are so different in what we want from the relationship and I agree in the past it was true but feel if she would invest in counseling with me we could get to a good place. Sounds familiar to many stories and I feel I am too late
She also wants to eventually move back to her hometown which is 5 hours from where we are today and this would ruin even the bad situation we are in with our daughter today as we don't want to disrupt her life. Daughter is already very aware of the situation as she has been sulking and crying where she didn't before. That would kill me.....I could not move as I have nobody in that town and not sure I could even get a job in that area or would want to.
Not talking about it or trying to work with her on getting back to counseling will without doubt lead to the divorce as she wants us to get lawyers.
Help...I am drowning here.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hello and welcome. Im sorry that youre here. Keep posting so that everyone can chime in to help and and offer support.
Married 10 years. 6yeard old daughter.
My wife said this summer in August she wasn't happy. Didn't feel the same way and was struggling as she didn't have the love she felt in our relationship anymore.
We have had issues the last 3 years or so and did randomly go to counseling but never consistent. I didnt' worship her and treat her like she should have been for those years. I am sure that you contributed to the downfall of your marriage. I am also sure that it isnt 100% your fault. Likely, it's very close to 50-50. Im sure that some of the things your W did helped you to fell how you did. My point is that you shouldnt shoulder all of the blame here. What you SHOULD do is work to identify the behaviors that you did and what you can do to improve.
as we went thru alot of issues with my mom who was sick and wife took care of her schlepping her around to doctors etc...We had other family issues of nobody helping and stress all around with work etc...
I checked out. Like this; what do you mean? How can you do better in your life going forward?
She thought she wanted some space or a separation but we have come full circle and she wants a divorce. Now I did all the wrongs things that folks say not to do here but she is strong headed woman and her heart is cold to me now. She feels we are so different in what we want from the relationship and I agree in the past it was true but feel if she would invest in counseling with me we could get to a good place. Sounds familiar to many stories and I feel I am too late So, in your opinion, SHE needs to change her mind. Why do you want her to come back to a marriage that is failing? What magic do you believe there is in counseling?
Unfortunately, it doesnt work as you expect. Even if you got her to agree to go see a counselor with you, it wont make a lick of difference once she is at this point. Instead, you should turned your focus inwards. Reflect on you. Work on you. Become the man you want and should be. This will be ATTRACTIVE to your W, and she may re-consider you as a mate. But you have to do the growing FIRST.
She also wants to eventually move back to her hometown which is 5 hours from where we are today and this would ruin even the bad situation we are in with our daughter today as we don't want to disrupt her life. Daughter is already very aware of the situation as she has been sulking and crying where she didn't before. So what are you doing or can you do to improve your relationship with your daughter? Honestly, THAT is more important than your relationship with your wife.
That would kill me.....I could not move as I have nobody in that town and not sure I could even get a job in that area or would want to.
Not talking about it or trying to work with her on getting back to counseling will without doubt lead to the divorce as she wants us to get lawyers. Trust me. Talking about things will lead to that even FASTER. You have time now to work on you. Go read the homework Cadet posted. Read the book. And get to work.
I don't believe there is magic in cousneling Prior counseling was not effective for us as it was "set up dates" blah blah blah
EFT therapy I have read and know people that gets to the core of the connection issues. Not hoping for a miracle but to get to the core of why we disconnected. Takes 2 to tango though and I am dancing alone
She has made comments that I have been alot better and caring overall. But her heart is cast iron right now and I don't see that changing towards me
Divorce is not a long process where I live so worried that once this ship sails it isn't turning back.
I have done alot to this point on myself and realize where I can be a better husband but can't apply those things to me. I need her ....
BTW...is there any electronic version of the book versus hardcopy?
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I don't believe there is magic in cousneling Prior counseling was not effective for us as it was "set up dates" blah blah blah I suppose. It will only EVER work if both people are "in".
EFT therapy I have read and know people that gets to the core of the connection issues. Not hoping for a miracle but to get to the core of why we disconnected. At this point, does the reason really matter a lot?
Takes 2 to tango though and I am dancing alone Nope. Just takes one. What are you doing to change YOU?
She has made comments that I have been alot better and caring overall. But her heart is cast iron right now and I don't see that changing towards me Who knows. It wont change today. Wont change tomorrow. But with consistent change, whos to say it wont in a month? or 6 months? or 5 years? or 25 years?
Divorce is not a long process where I live so worried that once this ship sails it isn't turning back. If I made you OFFICIALLY DIVORCED today, what really changes for you? The divorce works in two stages:
On the one hand, you have the legal divorce. The way you file your taxes.
On the other hand, you have the emotional divorce. How you carry yourself in relation to your W. How you interact with others. And so on.
The timelines for these two are not the same. Just because you ar legally divorced doesnt mean that you or she is emotionally divorced.
I have done alot to this point on myself and realize where I can be a better husband but can't apply those things to me. I need her .... Garbage. Lets say you want to be.....more generous. Then you are generous with your daughter, your family, your friends, etc. Just not to your W. You practice acting in the way you want to act so you BECOME the way you want to act.
You dont need your W for that.
BTW...is there any electronic version of the book versus hardcopy? Unfortunately, I dont think so. Just chapter 1.
I know the areas I have not lived up to our marriage vows. And not making her a priority. It hurts...
I am making my daughter my number 1 priority right now. I can tell she is figuring this out and we can not have her be hurting. She is daddy's girl and this will crush her
I sound desperate because I am . I am keeping my head high and trying to not be a whiny little desperate man. But man....I just need to slow the train down
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
From what Ive seen, this isnt really possible. BUT you can prevent it from going faster; read the 37 rules and start doing them, read the book and start implementing the changes. Those are great places to start.
I am also going myself to a counselor that we have used this week by myself as i need advice. I feel underwater and drowning....
To stay positive I have read some of the stories where things have turned around...I need positive. While I don't have any hope at this point of her even opening up the door to reconciliation, I just can't think over and over again its done.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Actually volunteering to help take elders to doctors appointments.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
