I doubted, but I'm certain this is MLC

[Sotto]

Hi Ancaire, it sounds like a really good idea to get these support options going for yourself. I like the idea of a group as you get the sharing and the social contact - but then the 1-1 with an IC should dovetail nicely with that....

Also, are you managing to GAL for yourself? Do you have friends and family to spend time with, or other activities such as volunteering and hobbies that get you out and about?

The more we can do for ourselves, the better as it stops the stuff with our sitches being so central in our lives.

Take care Sweetheart xx

[bttrfly]

Ancaire, buried doesn't mean it's gone, it just means it's festering. Festering means it is underneath everything and lurking behind everything you do. Honey I wish I could say there's an easier way but the truth is, if you want a shortcut, ya gotta power straight into the jaws of hell. That's the only sure way to come out the other side. I know it's scary. I know it kicks up your deepest wounding. That's why IC is important in tandem. Go to alanon. Listen to the stories. Gravitate towards the older gals who have been working a program in there for 25-30 years. There's a ton of wisdom and serenity to be found by walking through the fire. You can do this. You deserve a better hand than you've been dealt. You've survived a lot in your life, from what little you've shared. I believe you can do this. Post often so we know how you're doing.

xoxoxo
P.S. believe it or not, dealing with it head on is actually easier than all the gyrations we go through avoiding it ...

[job]

Sotto and bttrfly have given you excellent advice. Go to the meetings and then follow up w/and IC. I agree that stuff being buried isn't gone and it will raise its ugly head when you least expect it. The only way around your problems is to face them head first, i.e., walk through ring of fire and come out the other side. Stuffing stuff down and not wanting to deal w/it won't make it go away. Trust me...that's what is going on w/your h right now. He stuffed down so much stuff growing up that it's raising its ugly head now.

[Ancaire]

Thank you, all of you, for your thoughtful advice and encouragement. I truly appreciate it.

I have one question, though, that hasn't really been answered: Does anyone see a way for me to undo the damage I did by effectively slamming and barring the door on H when I told him we would not be friends?

Being somewhat familiar with this new version of H, he's going to show up Monday in a foul mood and will take every opportunity to be ugly to me. He usually does this until I apologize. I don't intend to do so this time, but I'm interested in how to let him know that when he wakes up, I'll be happy to talk to him - but until then, no.

Has anyone gone through something similar, and if so, how to repair?

[peacetoday]

I love Alanon

A lot of great people and lots of support

Many of them have been through similar issues as us

I don't know your whole situation
but I think we can change our behavior at any time
Your H will see the new behavior over time if you are consistent
these changes are for us-maybe they can encourage friendship with our MLCer
to keep the environment calm especially for the kids
It doesn't mean you have to cater to him..just be kind, upbeat and positive- gal live your life

A DB coach once told me to do what works to achieve the results I am looking for
but would it help your situation to just be detached,cordial and courteous

what are you trying to achieve?

[BklynMom]

I am so glad you are open to Alanon. I am sorry to hear about your father but given that he had drinking issues Alanon will open a whole new world of thinking about your past and your future. I found so much support through the program not only through the "old timers" but also with the woman & men that were beginning to navigate a new life for themselves through the 12 steps.

I would say in neighborhood there are 3 large groups of people in Alanon, 1. people going through breakups or sorting through a relationship with an Alcoholic 2. children of alcoholics 3. parents dealing with there children using. (There are lots of other circumstance but these are the 3 biggies) What I find amazing for my own recovery is how much I learn from parents going through dealing with their kids drug use, something I have no actual experience with. My point is, you learn from so many places in Alanon.

Regarding ""Does anyone see a way for me to undo the damage I did by effectively slamming and barring the door on H when I told him we would not be friends?""

I think the reason no one answered that question is because you can not find some magically answer to negate your actions. Your actions are what they were and I don't think it was unreasonable to say you don't want to be friends with someone that treated you badly.

My ex also wanted some kind of fantasy happy coparenting divorce but I think in a circumstance where one person leaves the family having a friendship with the former partner (atlas immediately) is unrealistic.

A divorced co-worker has dinner all the time with his daughter, ex-wife and her new boyfriend and him & his girl friend but my co-worker and his ex-wife did 3 years of therapy before THEY decide that divorce is the best option.

Barring you agreeing to "happy" divorce they will deem you a crazy b!tch. They need to create a new picture of you to justify their decision to D you.

Hang in there. Keep the focus on yourself, on your healing and on fun things you can do with your new life.

[Ancaire]

It's been a while since I've updated here. I'm trying to support some newer people in Newcomer's. I haven't been able to find the balance needed to finish reading all the MLC threads and keeping up over there.

I think I need to make this one a priority, because I still have so much learning to do - but wow! So many hurting people. I'll figure it out.

I actually made personal progress!!! This week, I toyed with the idea of sending H a letter. We had a brief argument on Friday, that I successfully walked away from after the third try - I'm working on walking away right away - but for some reason, I'm having trouble with that one.

Well, anyways, he once again listed out his list of complaints about me, and I was thinking about it. I wrote this long letter, basically listing out "my side" of his comments. Then, instead of sending it, I put it away. I thought about it, prayed about it, and just did nothing for the next two days.

I can answer the question of sending it or not myself. No. H doesn't want to see my side of things. H needs to keep his side front and center to use as justifications for destroying his family.

This is huge progress for me! I've always been such a reactor to things. To do nothing, while thinking? This is new. I am so pleased. I've been working on myself, and see progress in many areas - but in this one, dealing with H, I've been falling woefully short. That's why I'm so excited about it.

This will be an interesting week. I go to court on the 20th for my wreck incident. I'm frightened, yes - but strangely calm. I guess I've learned since I've been here that I can't control the outcome. I can only deal with it.

So, I'm praying and leaving it up to God. That's about all I can do. I'll just have to wait and see. Just a few months back, I would have been shaking and on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not even a slight hand tremor! I really have learned about learning to be at peace with things I can't control. Wow.

I'm not to the point yet that I'm grateful my marriage blew up. I accept that it happened. I accept that H is in MLC, whether he thinks so or not. I accept it has to run it's course. I accept my life is going to change.

That's a pretty good start, I think.

[job]

Do not send him the letter. He doesn't want to hear anything you have to say, especially in your defense at this time. I'm glad you didn't send it. That's a step in the right direction.

When you go to court, dress nicely and be sure to look the judge in the eye. Stay calm and answer questions when they are directed to you. Keep the answers simple and do not go into a lengthy explanation. Short and sweet.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers on the 20th.

[Irish M]

Ancaire

I too will be thinking of you on the 20th. As job put it above stay calm.

I've seen your comments on other situations here. Mine included :-)

You are a caring person and I believe what we advise others to do we neglect doing them ourselves.

Read your posts to others from time to time . You will be surprised how we all have the answers to our own situations. We just need to listen to outselves more and grow from that to gain the strength we need to get through this MLC circus.

Praying for a good outcome.
Irish

[beckyb]

I will pray for you on the 20th.