Basically, I knew my marriage was in trouble. I was in counseling with a W that did not want to participate. I found the DB process, KNEW that it was the answer, began implementing the LRT and THEN became aware of the affair just hours after deploying the LRT. Unfortunately, I didn't stop the spying soon enough and now I am aware of this devastating revelation.
Now I have to decide what to do about that. My W is NOT aware that I am aware of the affair.
I am already learning so much about myself in this process. I would never have guessed that I had the mental fortitude to forgive and still be willing to work on a marriage with a cheating spouse. But I believe I am. I believe I am able to continue with the DB process. I am fully engaged in GAL, I'm not pursuing her and I do not have a need to discuss our problems with her. I'm working on me right now.
But I need to know what to do now that I am aware of the affair. I do not feel that it is fair for her to be able to continue living in my house so long as the affair is actively on going. She has also taken my children to the OM's house and I'm not cool with that either. So the question is, do I tell her that I am aware of the affair and tell her that she needs to leave so long as she is going to continue? I know I can't tell her to stop or make her stop but I can kick her out of the house if she is going to continue.
I do think there are some advantages to kicking her out in my situation. My W's family (her sister in particular) is aware that we are having some problems but clearly they don't know that she is having an affair. They also do not know about the extent of my W's drinking problems. If I kicked my wife out of the house, I believe she would tell her sister about the affair because her sister would want to know why she was kicked out. And even if she didnt come clean, I would likely expose the affair to her sister. Here's why: My W's sister has personally (in the past couple of years) dealt with the exact same issues with her spouse: drinking and cheating. My W's sister kicked her husband out of the house for 6 months and they are now reconciled and I could see how much better they were over the Christmas holidays. I think her sister would be an incredible ally and support system for me. My wife and her sister are very close and the sister could help my W stop her destructive behavior.
Here are some other "facts" to consider in my situation: 1. I do not believe my W is in "love" with the OM. I believe the affair has been going on for a couple of months. 2. I believe my wife intends to separate on her own in the coming weeks. I know she has been looking for a place to live 3. I do not believe that her and the OM intend to leave each others spouse so that they can be together. The OM is married with children. 4. My wife is a triathlete. The OM is the owner a training organization that runs out of his home. Virtually all of my W's social network revolves around the other athletes in this organization. In order for her to stop the affair, she would basically have to remove herself from everyone in her social network. The OM isn't just a member of this organization; he is the organization. So she can't continue with that group if she is going to stop the affair. That may be devastating for her. 5. I do not believe that she has already decided on divorce although I do know that she has consulted with an attorney.
I desperately need some advice on what to do with my knowledge of the affair. I will continue the DB process. I will continue to seek weekly counseling on my own and work to make a better life for myself with or without her. But my question is do I keep my knowledge of the affair to myself and allow her to continue knowing that she is probably planning on leaving on her own in a couple of weeks? Or do I tell her I know about the affair and tell her she needs to leave if she is going to continue with the affair?
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I know I can't tell her to stop or make her stop but I can kick her out of the house if she is going to continue.
Have you discussed this with a lawyer? Are you even able to kick er out of the house?
Originally Posted By: LiM
I desperately need some advice on what to do with my knowledge of the affair. I will continue the DB process. I will continue to seek weekly counseling on my own and work to make a better life for myself with or without her.
In my opinion, you answered your own question.
Originally Posted By: LiM
But my question is do I keep my knowledge of the affair to myself and allow her to continue knowing that she is probably planning on leaving on her own in a couple of weeks? Or do I tell her I know about the affair and tell her she needs to leave if she is going to continue with the affair?
Id check with the lawyer first. CAN you even make her leave? If not, then I wouldnt do anything with the information for now.
I am meeting with a lawyer in the morning to discuss what is going on. I'll have some answers then. I don't know if I can "force" her to leave the house. I think by telling her that she must leave, I feel that she would. I don't think she would refuse to say. I just don't understand the advice of NOT telling her I know about the affair? I'm really just supposed to keep it to myself and allow her to do that? I am following the DB process. I'm reading the forums. I'm not talking to her about the R (I understand that confronting her with the affair IS talking about the R), I'm not asking her to go to counseling, I am working on my relationship with my kids, I'm working on my GAL plans. I just feel that its so, so wrong to allow her to continue this masquerade now that I know about it.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
What you do with the information you have needs to be very strategic. I'm glad you have time scheduled with your lawyer tomorrow. Knowing all of your legal options is powerful.
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I just don't understand the advice of NOT telling her I know about the affair? I'm really just supposed to keep it to myself and allow her to do that?
You only get ONE chance to tell her you know about the affair. The confrontation by itself isnt going to change her behavior. Why would you do it now when you are still learning the DB process?
Thank you for the link. I'll read it now. My reason for wanting to tell her I know about the affair is that I know (are at least think I do) that it will cause the A to stop immediately. I know she will tell the OM and it will scare the [censored] out of him to know that I know. He will withdraw as well.
My "plan" is to have her leave the house and then continue with the DB process. I do know that she has been looking at other places to live (things I learned before I stopped spying) and that she intends to leave on her own at some point in the coming weeks. In the end, isn't the DB process about getting leverage over your spouse? Isn't that what we are doing by changing our behavior (180 and LRT) in order to affect a change in them? I feel like I lose significant leverage if she leaves on her own terms instead of mine.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
My reason for wanting to tell her I know about the affair is that I know (are at least think I do) that it will cause the A to stop immediately.
What is your goal? To end the affair or to save your marriage? Just because you end the affair does not mean that you will save your marriage.
Originally Posted By: LiM
In the end, isn't the DB process about getting leverage over your spouse? Isn't that what we are doing by changing our behavior (180 and LRT) in order to affect a change in them?
In my opinion, the DB process is about becoming the person that you want to be. In the end, we cant control our spouses and changes that we make in ourselves for THEM arent going to stick in us long term. The point is to ATTRACT them back. Not to TRICK them or FORCE them or CONVINCE them to stay.
I used my XW's comments and thoughts to guide my journey. But I also worked on things that she never made any comment about, because I wanted to for me.
Maybe she will come back someday. Maybe not. Either way, Ill be OK, now.
My goal is to save the M if possible. I know I can't force her to stop the A or make her come back to me, but I can put an end to her charade. Its fine if she wants to continue with her A. She just needs to go do it somewhere else. If she says she wants a divorce, that's fine too. I just feel like I shouldn't have to live with it in my house if she is going to continue. I do understand that ending the A does not automatically save the marriage. Far from it. But I know there is zero chance of starting a reconciliation so long as the A continues.
Right now, I am focusing on me and my life. I have no idea if my W will be a part of my life as I move forward. I will work on the DB process and maybe she will come back. And then again, maybe she won't. I just don't feel that I should have to live with the excruciating pain of the A right under my nose.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
