I've been away from the boards for a while now, focusing on my M and myself. I thought I would stop by for an update and to wish everyone a brighter and blessed new year. H & I are in a better place now. For those new, H had 2 EAs this past year, did all the things a cheater does...lie, hide, coverup. The 1st EA, a friend of ours busted him on & he slowly came clean. The 2nd I busted him on when he came home after being gone for months out of state for work. Since that time I've had IC, he's had IC and we've done MC. Last night couldn't have been a more fitting end to 2015. We stayed home with the kids, H & I sat outside chit chatting about what we wanted 2016 to be for us. H changed the subject to everything that has happened this last year. He talked about the shame he felt, he finally opened up about why he thinks he did everything he did, he said he did it to get my attention, that as childish and stupid as it was and he hadn't really thought it through, he wanted to get my attention(honestly this didn't surprise me). He talked for the first time outside of counseling about his feelings at the time for me and for them. It was very revealing, more revealing than any MC session we had. He told me throughout every conversation, Skype, text, etc. he would say to them everything he wanted to say to me and imagined their responses were me responding. This did surprise me. He showed me everything last night he had ever said to them. Every conversation he ever had with them came after talking to me on the phone or us texting back and forth. As twisted as it was, he literally cut and pasted things he said to me to them. Everything he said mimicked what he had said to me. The difference was in my response. I admit I contributed to our problems in a big way. I didn't show him the attention he needed, I didn't show him I loved him when I should have, I ignored him and never treated him like a priority. This doesn't excuse what he chose to do, but it's owning my part. He is the first to say it contributed to his mindset, but doesn't excuse what he did. He made the choice to step out on me, to confide in other women, to put them ahead of me and to carry on intimate emotional relationships with them.
The hurt is still there, it's just not at the surface anymore. I know it will take time and consistency on his part to reach the point that I truly trust in him again. But I am working on that and so is he. I am still DBing just differently now. Now DBing is more about not repeating the mistakes of the past, it's putting the lessons I learned in the books to making our M stronger, it's about affair-proofing our M as best as is possible.
For all those reading who are new in your sitches, I want you to know it can work if you give yourself over to what the books say and what the beautiful people here on these forums advise you. It may not always seem right, but it is. The number one thing I learned throughout all of the reading and the process is be the change you need. Don't change for someone else, change for yourself to be a better person. Changing yourself in hopes they come back doesn't work. It's only when you truly change the parts of yourself that you don't like, that you want to be different, that you want to improve that the clouds and burdens lighten. Have faith in yourself. Trust yourself. Love yourself.
2016 is a new year with a blank slate. It will be all you want it to be, so make it your best year ever.
Love, happiness and hope to you all.
M: 43 H: 40 M: 18y S17,D13 D12 IC 11/2014 BD 4/16/15 H home 6/25/15 OW2 EA 6/26/15 MC started 7/22/15 Baby stepping....
I'm one of the newbies on the board. H left the house 27 December. Thank you for posting your story. It gives me hope that H and I can get through this.
