Recent Hurricane 2

[trumpet]

Nate,

It's the darkest before the dawn. Don't do anything rash. Sleep, eat, breathe, and play with your D.

[Cristy]

Hi Nate,

You've got this!

Continue to be the best Nate & Dad you can be while continuing to use your DB strategies.

I'm glad you have a coaching session scheduled for tomorrow. You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be.

Hang in there!

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[NateG79]

I suppose. I believe the W is spinning pretty hard now. She did lash out at me a few times while venting last night. Some interesting points that she had brought up

1. Reconciliation was not her goal when this separation originally began. Regardless of whether the A worked out or not, she didn't think she could come back to me.

2. She's concerned about setting an example of how to be loved to our D2. She didn't want D to think that neglect and being ignored was a good sign of a relationship. I validated, but also said that by D'ing, it was also diminishing what role I had in my D's life of how a man should love her. That one bit me in the feels.

3. How "in love" she was with this relationship after only 4 months. Also bit me in the feels.

4. I'll tell you, it was the Nate Blame Train during the conversation. I didn't battle her on anything, only listened and validated when possible.

5. Her mother was telling her things like "He really loves you, and he doesn't want to split up the family, he's trying to win you back." But she mentioned that when she would see me, that it didn't feel like that. I validated that I could see why she might think that, but also asked, "If you're in a relationship with another man, what is there I could do to show you that? I was simply trying to adjust to life without you in it."

6. She did land that she had had some brief thoughts of R last week when she had time to actually settle and think about things. But says that she's always so busy, doesn't ever have time to think. I don't press her, and she lives separately from me, and I believe I give her tons of time and space, so I don't know what she's talking about here.

Just a couple of notes that I remember. There was lots more, but those were some of the main ones that stick out.

[WhyUs]

Nate,

when I read your posts i get the feeling that you have a real chance at saving the M. Just remember not to pressure her on the R talks.

[NateG79]

I'm glad for the kind words. I'm less optimistic because of the lashings I took. I only initiated the talk last night to confront her with the truth of what the OM had confirmed. And she keeps telling me she just needs time to think, which I don't have a problem with, I'm not going to be pressuring her for anything. Just not sure until I speak to a coach what my move from here would be.

[WhyUs]

I think it is a good idea to honor her wish for time. I pressured my WW and then confronted her on the PA. The next day D papers were filed. She needs to feel the decision is hers and she is free to make her own choice regarding the M. The nature of humans is to defy/resist any pressure even if it is for her own good. Her instincts will have her go the other way. I am sure your coach will help with explaining this better than me.

You have a good head on your shoulders. Trust DB, not you instincts and emotions. Fill us in on how the coaching goes.

[NateG79]

I certainly will. The only mention of divorce she had said is something called a form of indigence that she would have to sign in order for legal aid to serve me. Not going to push for anything. No pressure here at all.

[NateG79]

Journaling:

Today some back and forth texting. Mostly initiated by WW. A lot of it was just me texting pics of D2 playing at my house. She will be going to W's place tomorrow to spend some time with her as W has not been with her since last Thursday because of bad weather. She sent me a text about how she hadn't looked at her Meyer's Briggs profile and said she took a new one, and sent me her result and said, just if you care to know. I validated that, and she asked what I think I would be. I told her I would do it, and see what the outcome is. Turns out, we have the exact same profile. I joked how ironically we had the same thing. She also laughed and suggested maybe we should try another site.

Then, I asked her if I could ask her one thing, without any pressure or feeling that she needed to answer me. I asked her, since her Affidavit of Indigence form is all she needed to sign in order to have me served, I simply asked, is it your intent to go ahead and sign it and file for D.

She stated that she would have to make an appointment to go sign the affidavit and when she has the appointment, she could speak to an attorney. She's already been given the name, but that the letter stated that once signed, that it would serve me. She said, I'm not ready. Something held her back. And only very recently had she even contemplated the possibility of reconciliation. She also stated that she is putting an incredible amount of trust and faith in me by telling me this, and to not use it against her (i'm not sure what she meant by that.)

I stated I appreciated her being honest with me about it, and that I too had had that feeling when after the discovery of the A, the next day I had gone to a D lawyer, but I was not happy with everything he said, and I decided that I didn't want to jump off that ledge, and backed down, and made no other attempts to file. I felt that if I filed for D, it was just me giving up, and quitting on trying to have a whole family. And I just didn't want to quit on my family.

She stated she was concerned they would serve me if she went down there, so she hasn't called them.

She stated that she's been very emotionally turned off for the most part since all of this happened, just running on auto pilot, but still kept herself from filing.

I told her I wouldn't break her trust with any friends or family with that (once again, I don't know what she meant there). And then I replied that it did mean a lot to me that she felt the same way.

She stated it was NOT because "Plan A" wasn't panning out. It was NEVER like that. I am not, and never was a plan B. She just couldn't bring herself to file.

I thanked her for saying that, and that's all I wanted to ask.

And then the kicker:
She says "I am glad you feel like you can talk to me."

I simply stated: I am too.

Thoughts here?

[WhyUs]

Then, I asked her if I could ask her one thing, without any pressure or feeling that she needed to answer me. I asked her, since her Affidavit of Indigence form is all she needed to sign in order to have me served, I simply asked, is it your intent to go ahead and sign it and file for D.

I know it does not feel like it but this is pressure. You are walking a very fine line.

It is good that she is telling you she is hesitant and not a plan B. Remember though, that is what she is saying. WW's will lie, lie, and lie. I know it feels like if you do not have these conversations she will be gone with wind. That is not the case. Let her bring up R talks. You need to stop initiating them.

WW's will say and do anything to "cake eat." It is safer for them. They are scared and their thoughts are all over the place. I really can't stress this enough.--stop the pressure.

[NateG79]

I understand that. I won't be pressuring or anything anymore. I've been very good at not insisting R talks. Looking forward to coaching tonight