Hello everyone - I am an old timer, back here for an update.
The advice we get on this site is good, and mostly helpful. I persisted in an interest in 'what is MLC' because the abrupt change in my xh and the devastating effects on all of our lives (myself, the children, and also my xh) were devastating. We have all mostly sorted ourselves out. It takes time.
I am not certain that everyone posting here has a MLC spouse - but that is for them to work out, not for other posters to tell them.
I think that is the one thing I would like to say - search for your own truth and your own solutions. The final block to my own full recovery was removed by working with a life coach who believed what I said. Together we examined my truths, and found them to be consistent and authentic.
I think that MLCers are fugitives from their own lives, and that it has little or nothing to do with us. For whatever reason their life becomes intolerable to them, and we are seen as the cause of this. Only a new life, a total change will solve the problem [this is a simplification and a summary]
After many years of being public enemy number 1 with my xh, he is now calmer and 'nicer' to his family, and seems to be trying to forge relationships with his sons.
I believe he (now) misses what he had, but lacks the life skills to effectively get any of it back. I know that sounds patronizing, but my sons feel the same. He is still 'weird' to them, something of an alien in their father's skin (though less so), and probably always will be. But the threats have gone. And he acknowledges that he did some pretty awful things.
He seems a bit defeated by life. He has remarried, and that seems to be going well, which is a plus. My adult children do not like her much (she is not the OW but someone he met post divorce) but that is probably to be expected given all that has happened.
So my message here is that you did not necessarily have a dysfunctional marriage - MLC does happen. I am not even sure that I believe the shibboleth that they were planning this for a long time. I can pinpoint the moment my xh's 'crisis' really started, the sudden behaviour change, and within 3 months he was out of the door for ever.
He now wants to be friends with me. This I cannot do. Not because I want to punish, or because I cannot forgive. Yes he had choices, but mostly I think he was acting out of a compulsion he did not understand.
The problem for me is that our marriage was a long and intimate dialogue on all levels, and we were deeply connected. The man he now is I have trouble spending time with. He 'jangles' on all levels. He hasn't found himself, and I believe that I have re-found me.
I haven't met anyone else, and am not seeking that [though I am strongly pro marriage, and if you find the right person - go for it!]. My marriage was very long and very happy, and I have amazing friends and a small but very happy family.
What you are going through now is awful, but it does get better, and you will look back in awe at your journey.
I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but all you can do is find your own truth in all of this, not what someone else thinks you ought to do, think and feel about it.
I have been guilty of administering my own 2 x 4s and now I wish I hadn't. The support and help we get here is amazing, but someone else giving you their truth, their solution, their story isn't always helpful. If your spouse doesn't come back, you aren't a failure, if they do, it is hard work and I am happy for you. Either way is hard. If they come back we are absorbed in the task, if they don't we are absorbed by the empty space. The skill is to fill that space in the way that is right for you, and feels authentic.
Bea, I am so glad to see you came back for a visit. I do hope that your holidays are full of fun and laughter w/family and friends.
Your posting is 100% spot on and I couldn't agree more w/what you posted.
Happy Holidays!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
This is a profoundly personal journey. It's not something easily pigeon-holed or wrapped neatly with a formula. In the end, I just want to feel there was a means to an end... I want a better life, I want to BE a better person than I would have been if things had remained "as is." I feel I've accomplished the latter... Just need to work on the first.
Funny, I prayed and prayed over the years with Matt to learn skills with money and earning... God forced the issue when Matt left... Slowly building my ability to handle stressful situations. Be careful what you pray for :-)
Much Much love to you this Holiday.
Last edited by LoisB; 12/20/1502:31 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thank you Beatrice, wise words. We have to take bits and pieces of advice we get and ultimately do what feels right and best for us. All of our stories are unique, we learn from the steps and choices we make.
Good to hear from you, I hope you have a wonderful holiday
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
