In case I wasn't clear my understanding is the stress cycle is followed by the endorphin phase. The more intense the first stress cycle the more endorphins are produced and generally the longer the numb phase.
My numb phase lasts up to 5 days and I am calm throughout that phase.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/20/1507:08 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
That's why I'm pretty sure at times I hurt physically from work and others nothing. Atm everything hurts. It it's been 40degree days. I think it must be when I'm sort of numb I just push too hard thus when things settle I'm sore and achey.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
That's why I'm pretty sure at times I hurt physically from work and others nothing. Atm everything hurts. It it's been 40degree days. I think it must be when I'm sort of numb I just push too hard thus when things settle I'm sore and achey.
Had not thought of it that way.
Will research that Gg.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla, wishing you some peace today. You are loved. Please know that. You are a guide to so many people, teaching us, leading us, thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. Thank you for being you.
Thank you
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Wishing you much peace and love, V! I just dropped by to show the love and let you know I'm still here, still following you and still thinking of you and praying for you often.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
V, I have a question for you. I saw you mention on another thread which I can't find now, that when FOO issues are addressed there can be a sudden shift. You know the issues with my H. His FOO issues run deep and he is in extremely deep denial, projecting all of those problems on to me. He has been in IC now for maybe 8 months? There has been some progress. I believe a lot is happening quietly as he does not talk to me. The most relevant to me and our M is that he has started setting some boundaries with his parents as to what he will and will not discuss re the marriage and me. Not 100% there yet, he still talks about me and gets "their side" but much less and much less spew.
So my question, is where is this shift? It might never happen, right?
Today we had family therapy. Only our 2nd session. Me, H and D14. The therapist told H that he had an unhealthy alliance with his parents and that set him off big time. He was so angry. She picked up on it, I said very little. So anyway, what is your opinion? Is family therapy going to help or is she pushing him too hard? I assume there is a reason why his IC is moving so slowly, but I just don't know what to think. We have 2 sessions scheduled next week before he leaves. What do you think? I am leaning towards get it all out before he leaves, but maybe there is a reason his IC is taking it slowly? Then again, maybe she is taking it too slowly? What is your opinion V?
I have been quiet self absorbed of late, but I didn't forget your little red jeweled angel on Saturday. I also saw your post on U's thread. I have you in my thoughts and prayers. A christmas candle seems to have your name on it too, if you don't mind. Vanilla, gifted to me by a very dear friend. Maybe I can pass on the love across the planet to you, lighting it with you mind and request to the universe to provide what you need right now to lighten your path or load.
V, I have a question for you. I saw you mention on another thread which I can't find now, that when FOO issues are addressed there can be a sudden shift.
Mutatio thread, I believe Fo.
You know the issues with my H. His FOO issues run deep and he is in extremely deep denial, projecting all of those problems on to me. He has been in IC now for maybe 8 months? There has been some progress. I believe a lot is happening quietly as he does not talk to me.
The likelihood is that WH is still in the denial phase. FOO is a little like layers on an onion in my understanding. The first and most important realisation is to remove the skin on the onion. If that happens the individual feels very vulnerable indeed. It's unfamiliar. You can often read this on threads of those with FOO issues, there is 'leakage' with thoughts and suggestions emerging. Sometives it is through gentle questioning that release occurs, posters have to feel safe and not judged to release and discuss their issues. They have to know they are respected, there is a great deal of shame and guilt involved.
No child is ever responsible for their ACES, although adults are responsible for recovery. This is vital Fo, absolutely it is. Your WH sounds as if he is still conditioned to behave with your ILs as if he were a child. Being out of his sitch and with low contact with MIL may help him a great deal if he continues IC. It may lead to perspective. He is certainly looking to detach from his sitch for a while or so it seems plus a real opportunity has arisen. That is shift, move away from the issues!
It is a hard journey to realisation and this has to be handled very carefully.
The most relevant to me and our M is that he has started setting some boundaries with his parents as to what he will and will not discuss re the marriage and me. Not 100% there yet, he still talks about me and gets "their side" but much less and much less spew.
It may be he realises confidentiality is needed in this. However I still think there is habit and conditioning in this. WH hasn't cut the apron strings, he may see you and MIL as a type which is why we get the cycle.
So my question, is where is this shift?
This will happen when there is acceptance of FOO. It sounds as if WH isn't there yet.
It might never happen, right?
That's possible, depends on the denial. Sometimes it happens as a result of something very small. The best strategy for you is to be absolutely neutral. If you point the stuff out WH will be defensive, if you are difficult with MIL then he can deflect to that. He won't want to acknowledge FOO.
Today we had family therapy. Only our 2nd session. Me, H and D14. The therapist told H that he had an unhealthy alliance with his parents and that set him off big time. He was so angry.
Of course it would. Your IC may have triggered that deliberately.
She picked up on it, I said very little.
That would have been my stance too. You did have D with you so her father's anger may be something she needs to address in IC.
So anyway, what is your opinion?
I am not a therapist Fo, and not in contact with your WH. So I would go with it and also discuss with your IC.
Is family therapy going to help or is she pushing him too hard? I assume there is a reason why his IC is moving so slowly, but I just don't know what to think.
If you feel it's detrimental, then say so in your next session.
We have 2 sessions scheduled next week before he leaves.
What do you think?
I would attend the next sessions, if WH won't attend then there is value in this for your D anyway. It shows to D that you make commitments and keep them. Is cuss the Vale to your family.
Also depends on what exactly your WH was angry about. If it was about discussing it, then frankly that is what these sessions are partly about. Release, anger is a released. As long as this is a completely independent FC, if WH can't accuse you of influence then seems reasonable to address this partiular elephant in the room.
I am leaning towards get it all out before he leaves, but maybe there is a reason his IC is taking it slowly?
His IC, his circus, his monkeys.
Not yours to know about.
Then again, maybe she is taking it too slowly?
He is going to IC, that of itself is a step.
What is your opinion V?
See what shakes out. Examine why WH is angry, and remember your D is part of this. It isn't all about MIL. It's about family issues not solely about MIL. So This isn't about MIL and resolving her issues It isn't about WH FOO and resolving his issues It isn't about the resolving of your M or if you D
It is the impact of these on your family. There are other elephants in the room, for instance how you as a family are going to be with WH being absent. How visits by MIL affect your family. How you as a family can suport each other. How you communicate as a family.
Your D has a voice, as do you. It is family therapy.
Anger is one emotion in the process. It's one of many hurdles, it needs jumping. How is that anger affecting the family?
These are my opinions Fo.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/23/1510:09 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
V, I have a question for you. I saw you mention on another thread which I can't find now, that when FOO issues are addressed there can be a sudden shift.
Mutatio thread, I believe Fo.
You know the issues with my H. His FOO issues run deep and he is in extremely deep denial, projecting all of those problems on to me. He has been in IC now for maybe 8 months? There has been some progress. I believe a lot is happening quietly as he does not talk to me.
The likelihood is that WH is still in the denial phase. FOO is a little like layers on an onion in my understanding. The first and most important realisation is to remove the skin on the onion. If that happens the individual feels very vulnerable indeed. It's unfamiliar. You can often read this on threads of those with FOO issues, there is 'leakage' with thoughts and suggestions emerging. Sometives it is through gentle questioning that release occurs, posters have to feel safe and not judged to release and discuss their issues. They have to know they are respected, there is a great deal of shame and guilt involved.
[color:#FF0000]Yes, the denial is obvious.
No child is ever responsible for their ACES, although adults are responsible for recovery. This is vital Fo, absolutely it is. Your WH sounds as if he is still conditioned to behave with your ILs as if he were a child. Being out of his sitch and with low contact with MIL may help him a great deal if he continues IC. It may lead to perspective. He is certainly looking to detach from his sitch for a while or so it seems plus a real opportunity has arisen. That is shift, move away from the issues!
It is a hard journey to realisation and this has to be handled very carefully. [/color] The move isn't going to help with this, he chats with them all day by phone and text. Barely speaks to me and we live together. I see the move could bring about almost no communication between me and him, and his text chats with the IL's will continue uninterrupted. I know, not my business. Not my control. I am not trying to control it, I am just recognizing that this could get worse for me. The most relevant to me and our M is that he has started setting some boundaries with his parents as to what he will and will not discuss re the marriage and me. Not 100% there yet, he still talks about me and gets "their side" but much less and much less spew.
It may be he realises confidentiality is needed in this. However I still think there is habit and conditioning in this. WH hasn't cut the apron strings, he may see you and MIL as a type which is why we get the cycle.
So my question, is where is this shift?
This will happen when there is acceptance of FOO. It sounds as if WH isn't there yet.
It might never happen, right?
That's possible, depends on the denial. Sometimes it happens as a result of something very small. The best strategy for you is to be absolutely neutral. If you point the stuff out WH will be defensive, if you are difficult with MIL then he can deflect to that. He won't want to acknowledge FOO.
I have been maintaining neutrality but my children get pulled in sometimes. Not by me.
Today we had family therapy. Only our 2nd session. Me, H and D14. The therapist told H that he had an unhealthy alliance with his parents and that set him off big time. He was so angry.
Of course it would. Your IC may have triggered that deliberately.
She picked up on it, I said very little.
That would have been my stance too. You did have D with you so her father's anger may be something she needs to address in IC. H blew up when D mentioned that he has "sided" with his parents and prefers them over "us". H jumped up and started acting very animated and yelling and gesturing wildly. D jumped up and mirrored him, arguing her point. The FT gave me a smile and seemed like she was taking it all in. A lot of dynamics.
So anyway, what is your opinion?
I am not a therapist Fo, and not in contact with your WH. So I would go with it and also discuss with your IC.
Is family therapy going to help or is she pushing him too hard? I assume there is a reason why his IC is moving so slowly, but I just don't know what to think.
If you feel it's detrimental, then say so in your next session.
We have 2 sessions scheduled next week before he leaves.
What do you think?
I would attend the next sessions, if WH won't attend then there is value in this for your D anyway. It shows to D that you make commitments and keep them. Is cuss the Vale to your family.
Also depends on what exactly your WH was angry about. If it was about discussing it, then frankly that is what these sessions are partly about. Release, anger is a released. As long as this is a completely independent FC, if WH can't accuse you of influence then seems reasonable to address this partiular elephant in the room.
He was angry when my D said he always sides with his parents and then he blew up and started yelling that if W had her way, he'd have no family at all, started blocking off parts of the family tree chart the FT had written up to prove his point, yelling and making a big deal. D jumped up and started back, no it would look like this if YOU had your way, and blocking off parts of the family tree. I jumped up at one point to add my opinion, then thought better of it, took the clipboards away from d (they were using clipboards to "block" the chart, and sat back down. After things calmed, the FT asked me what I thought. I said, if I had my way we'd have our entire family as a cohesive unit, based on mutual respect which has been ABSENT, and I'd like to move forward with proper respect and healthy boundaries.
I am leaning towards get it all out before he leaves, but maybe there is a reason his IC is taking it slowly?
His IC, his circus, his monkeys.
Not yours to know about.
Then again, maybe she is taking it too slowly?
He is going to IC, that of itself is a step.
He won't be going while he is traveling. I will be. D will be, S will be. Youngest S will not, he seems fine.
What is your opinion V?
See what shakes out. Examine why WH is angry, and remember your D is part of this. It isn't all about MIL. It's about family issues not solely about MIL. So This isn't about MIL and resolving her issues It isn't about WH FOO and resolving his issues It isn't about the resolving of your M or if you D
It is the impact of these on your family. There are other elephants in the room, for instance how you as a family are going to be with WH being absent. How visits by MIL affect your family. How you as a family can suport each other. How you communicate as a family.
Your D has a voice, as do you. It is family therapy.
Anger is one emotion in the process. It's one of many hurdles, it needs jumping. How is that anger affecting the family?
My D has a voice, and I don't know where I got her from, she is articulate and has no fear, and manages to assert herself in a respectful (albeit 14 year old ) manner. Some of her statements are obviously immature and age appropriate for her, such as halfway through she demanded $100 for having to do this, but she does not let anything get past her. She calls H out on "that's an assumption Dad" and she calls the FT out on "where are you going with this, I don't see the value in this discussion." She is not to be messed with! My voice is hard to express with D in the room, I feel like there are some things to not discuss with both H and D. I am however, practicing and doing well with a calm and assertive body language and that helps me.
These are my opinions Fo.
V
Your opinions are very valuable to me V. Thank you. I can tell you put a lot of time and thought into your posts, and I truly appreciate you for all that you do. I wish I could help you, but you are worlds ahead of me. Please know that I am sending you prayers, karma, best wishes and love every time I read one of your posts. You teach me so much, and you lift me up when I need it, and point me directions I need to go. Thank you. I am so thankful to you and so thankful for you.
