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mbebos #2648952 02/01/16 04:22 AM
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Hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was busy from start to finish. One of my busier weekends. Friday out with friends, Saturday afternoon with a cousin, Saturday night at a friend's house. Sunday went out all day with a different cousin, and Sunday night at another friend's house. The weekend was super busy, but it was really hard for me. My mindset was really depressed, and on Sunday morning I was really anxious, but I did my best to have a good time, and for the most part I did.

W called once to get help with some event tickets I transferred to her. Thank you for reminding me about how you didn't want to go to the show that I bought you tickets for on your birthday. That hurt pretty bad.

Eating has been so so. The mornings are hard, because I am waking up way to early with anxiety from whatever nightmares I am having that night. Afternoons and dinner time are much better for the eating part. Haven't been to the gym though, have a health issue that is kicking my butt and is stopping me in my tracks.


Me:34
W:33
R: 15 years
M: 7 years
W moved out: 11/21/15
BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once
LRT: 12/14/15
mbebos #2648958 02/01/16 05:01 AM
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It is really tough to make yourself do things, when you feel like staying in bed with covers pulled over your head. The world continues to go on, doesn't it? Having any type of health issues seem to add to the suffering.

I applaud your effort this past weekend that was packed with GAL.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2648967 02/01/16 06:26 AM
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Some days, I wish I could sit still long enough to stay in bed. I would get more rest that way. The anxiety is so bad, I cannot sit still for very long most of the time. The second I roll over or some noise wakes me, the worry and anxiety sets in, and I am wide awake at ridiculous hours, even when I stay up late on the weekends.


Me:34
W:33
R: 15 years
M: 7 years
W moved out: 11/21/15
BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once
LRT: 12/14/15
mbebos #2648968 02/01/16 06:37 AM
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You are describing nearly every LBH newcomer I have read about. Waking up too early, the anxiety, etc. A lot of them go to their doctor to get help for the anxiety and lack of sleep. There certainly is no shame, nor is it a sign of weakness.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2649008 02/01/16 08:07 AM
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mbebos Offline OP
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I dropped that mindset of being weak more or less at BD. I was so overwhelmed I knew I needed more help. IC, doctor, etc. Haven't gotten a lot of results yet from the doctor's treatments, but it is still early. IC has been going well, but it is still too early.


Me:34
W:33
R: 15 years
M: 7 years
W moved out: 11/21/15
BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once
LRT: 12/14/15
mbebos #2650192 02/05/16 05:31 AM
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Hello all. Haven't been posting in a few days. I am finding that as I go through this process, I can't be on the forums too much or it triggers me mentally into anxiety. Got some medical news that explains a lot of what I have been going through over the last ten years. Much of which contributed to our fertility issues and other issues we had together. It is treatable. I am choosing not to tell her at this time. Maybe some day in the future under the right circumstances through our counselors, but for now, I am just going to get treatment.

In other news the W called this week during the middle of the day, and I was home not feeling well and didn't answer. Our normal routine is if there is an emergency, followup with a text that says "emergency" and I will leave my meeting or whatever I am doing. She didn't, so I waited until she was home from work, and texted. Well the good news is she has been going to IC, so that is a relief. The bad news is, whatever they got into was so deeply emotional, she left there a complete wreck, and almost got herself killed in a car accident. The car that was coming full speed into the intersection stopped inches from the drivers side door, headlights in her eyes. We call it a T Bone in our neck of the woods. She pulled over and was hysterically crying and she called me first. I wish I had answered because I was at home, and could have picked her up, she was only 5 minutes away.

I validated her feelings about the IC and near accident, but offered no advice or fixing. After a few minutes on the phone, she said, "I think from now on I am going to take a 10 minute breather in the car before I start to drive." I am extremely grateful she is ok. I have sent a text the next two morning to check and make sure she is OK, and then went back to not contacting.


Me:34
W:33
R: 15 years
M: 7 years
W moved out: 11/21/15
BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once
LRT: 12/14/15
mbebos #2650195 02/05/16 05:53 AM
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Hi Mbebos - How is the weightloss program going - anxiety is the best diet out there wink

I lost 7lbs from 155 but have regained it all.

Your interactions seem good with W, maybe instead of posting here which increases your anxiety, you can keep a journal( electronically) and then post every 3-4 days.

Also try to find a sitch similar to yours and post of their thread. you will get more contributors to your thread that way.
Your wife had an EA/ nearly PA? i think.

My wife had no EA/PA Vise is similar, so is Rich4j.


Me49 W45
T15 M13
S11 S8
BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12
Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12
W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing!
May-Oct14 drifting
Dec 14 W agrees to more QT
BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY
W filed 1/25/16
isittoolate #2651712 02/09/16 11:41 AM
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mbebos Offline OP
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I am at about 290 now. Feeling pretty good about that. It is really noticeable too. It would have been another 5, but for the last 2 weeks I have been on a bit of a bender eating. Nothing too crazy, just happy I can get some good food down. Haven't been to the gym in 3 weeks. Too much vertigo, can't make it happen.

I have some more work with doctors and specialists coming up, so that is my current focus. If all goes well, it should take care of many long standing problems.

The weekend was awful. Emotionally draining, total personal backslide. Felt ill physically and emotionally. GAL was almost non existent. I exhausted every channel I had, and everyone was busy, away, or working through the snowstorms plowing. Watched almost everything on my DVR. IC was cancelled last night and I really needed it. Rescheduled later in the week.


Me:34
W:33
R: 15 years
M: 7 years
W moved out: 11/21/15
BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once
LRT: 12/14/15
mbebos #2653834 02/16/16 08:21 AM
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I wish I had something good to report. GAL has been non existent. Last couple weekends have been empty. People are either busy, not answering their phones, working in snow removal, or in a few cases some friends had some family medical issues. The depression is really setting in.
Daily meds aren't touching it, and the "in case of emergency" meds help when I feel like I am drowning, but it just delays the pain. I had a 4.5 day weekend due to being really ill at the end of last week, and I wanted to crawl up into a ball and hibernate for 6 months, but sleep doesn't come or doesn't last.

Was supposed to attend a party at the wife's family house over the weekend, but I got uninvited. In the eyes of the MIL I am now the enemy. I did nothing wrong, and I can only chalk it up to guilt that the MIL and I have always been so close that she cannot bear to see me around. The W called and cried saying how sorry she was for her mother's actions. She checked on me repeatedly after that. She is away on another business trip. This party was the moment I was going to deliver the W the apology letter my DB coach and I wrote together.

IC has been stagnant. I go, I complain, he listens, I go home. Waiting for my original IC to come back from leave in mid March.

Prayer is no longer helping. I no longer know what to say. The more I have prayed the worse things have gotten. I feel alone in the dessert. I am losing my strength physically, spiritually, and mentally. I have been able to keep eating, although not all of the choices have been the healthiest.

I have had too many losses in my life, and I feel like I can't handle any more. I want one year. Just one year in my life where I don't have to deal with something major being wrong.

The one thing I am grateful for is my cousin. She has been there for me, calling to check on me, etc. She has been amazing. It makes me sad I didn't see her for 20 years when Dad took off.


Me:34
W:33
R: 15 years
M: 7 years
W moved out: 11/21/15
BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once
LRT: 12/14/15
mbebos #2653835 02/16/16 08:26 AM
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Hey Man,

I feel your pain. I've had a rough go of it lately as well.

I wish I advice for you but all you can do right now is keep breathing. You are obviously depressed and it will take time for it to go away.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other no matter how hard it is.

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