Healing at last

[Barry]

Afternoon all. Link to previous thread...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2627575&page=11

So I haven't been around for a while. I've posted a couple of times recently but haven't been feeling too good.
I don't know how it happened so quickly but after coming here last week, it really helped me. I guess it was seeing some of your posts and catching up on a few sitch's that I followed earlier this year. It was really good to read some posts and know that there is a way out of this. I've struggled all year and it's been so draining to the soul.

I don't know how it happened, but the most amazing thing happened at the end of last week. I found my switch!

I've been hunting for it for nearly a year, and at last, i found it and flicked it off. I never even knew that there was such a thing until BD. My XW found hers that day, she flicked it off, and that was it, game over for her. Her feelings for me came to an end and I was popped into the "past mistakes" file in her brain. I was envious as to how she could do that, to be able to just see it all as a neccassary ending and not feel the pain. That's not really true I know, she did feel it, just not to the degree I did.

S19 had spinal surgery three weeks ago (prolapsed disk - all sorted now), so we ended up spening around 10 hours together...just us two, whilst he was in surgery. We had lunch and talked for hours about "other stuff". It was almost surreal though, we slipped back into the old roles like a comfortable pair of slippers. Old private jokes were laughed at again, and there was a couple of times when no words were even neccassary, just a look said that we knew what the other was thinking. We laughed about it. It was nice.

We'd agreed in advance to not discuss the past but even she wanted to talk about it by the end. Diffcult not to after that many years together, and so many questions left unanswered. I didn't get any answers though, and it fact, what she was really doing was fishing for news on me dating.

I said that I hadn't been looking as such and although I had been on a couple of dates, I wasn't in a relationship. I didn't ask about her dating, but she volunteered that she hadn't been on any, and she wasn't looking at all.

Things really went downhill from there. I don't know if it was that being around me for that amount of time reminded her of better times and she didn't want to think about that, or if in that same amount of time, she saw all she needed to to know she'd made the right choice, but I didn't hear from her for about 10 days after that. I tried to text her just to say that she was welcome to come to the house to visit S19 whilst he was recovering (he has 2/3 months of bed rest and physio to go through) as she hadn't seen him since the op.

She took this badly, like I was trying to call her a bad mother or something? It wasn't like that. I was just trying to be kind for S19's sake.

So we ended up having an argument (by text). Then to really top it off, I find out on the grapevine that XW is organising a big elaborate plan for Christmas Day, with kids being dropped off, picked up, coming and going etc. The main problems being that my D16 would have not seen her brothers until the evening and would open her presents on her own (with me or XW), and that jus in general, I'm not about to let her dictate to me any more. If she wanted to discuss it, a simple text message saying "I propose this, what do you think". As it was, I was expected to dance to her tune yet again. Well, sorry love, I stopped doing that a while ago!!

I told her as much, to which I got back a message saying (amoungst the filthy swear words) "I don't care, I've had enough of all of this, you can have D16 all day if you want".
I just text her back saying " that will be fine, thanks". I got one back telling me never to speak to her again.
I deleted the texts, blocked her number from calls and texts (kept it in my phone in case of emergency), and I can honestly say that I haven't thought about her for more than a few seconds since.

I guess all of this is a combination of the AD's wearing off (so no more side effects which were getting me down), and time being the natural healer that it is.

It's taken (what seems like) a long time for me to realise that my worth is not decreased by the inability of others to see it. I have a plan of action for the coming year, which is a tough one but is crucial to my growth. More on this later.
I'd just like to thank those who responded to my recent posts - it made me remember that I'm not alone, and never really was.

Speak soon, Barry.

[Mozza]

Barry - Such a contrast with your previous update. It's fantastic to know that you're better. I think our recovery is pretty much like the stock market after a crash: on any given day we can go quite high or down, but in the long run the way is up. This means also not to worry too much if tomorrow or next week you don't feel so good: you know it's eons better than it was at BD and it will continue to improve.

I think one of the biggest challenges you face is financial. I'm lucky that, even though I'm not rich, I never worry about making any payments and I can continue my lifestyle. Money problems take a bigger toll than we realize because it makes a worry or forces us to make choices on so many things on a daily basis. For that reason, I hope you'll be able to get that out of the way.

It's too bad that the good times you had with WAW at the hospital turned sour so fast a few days later. One thing that transpires for me is that, like many parents, she is hyper-sensitive to her way of being a mother. For sure, she feels some (repressed?) guilt over exploding her family and that's how it comes out because she assumes that you want to accuse her at every turn. Keep that in mind if you want to keep the peace.

I don't see the point in blocking her though. Why did you go so far? Remember that keeping them happy is about protecting you. I'Ve realized that I don't want my WW to get into any trouble or even upset at me because it will get in the way of my happiness. Think about it too, even when you don't feel like humoring her. It happens a lot to me and a few minutes later, I'm happy that I moved on by overlooking some annoyance.

I can't wait to hear about your one-year-plan.

[Barry]

Hey Mozza / All. Good to hear from you again. Agreed with the stock market analogy, and it's one of the things that has kept me going to be honest. The downs are a lot less than they were, although the ups need an increase...one that I need to engineer. Right now, the downs are more centered around (as you righly surmise) financial concerns, a lack of quality time with the children, and a lack of any really tangible social life.
I'll expand on each one.

The financial concerns are mostly down to the debt that my WAW left me with. To cut a long story short and as a reminder, I bought her out of the house for £10k in cash (personal loan from my father), on the proviso that I took the debt of around £8k too. WAW would have got around £30k had she wanted to force the sale of the house so in the long run, I'm better off. In the short term though, it means I'm crippled with the repayments. There is no "spare" money to do any nice things either with the kids, or indeed on my own. This must be paid off by February 2017 in order for me to be able to re-mortgage my home in my own name. If they're not paid, there's a real danger of me having to sell and move. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware that virtually everybody could say that they have some sort of financial hardship. I think with having the emotional year I had this year, then looking at next year knowing that it's going to be more of the same financially isn't particularly appealing.

The lack of quality time is mainly with D16 who lives with WAW, and S14 who lives with me. Some of this is within my control, some not. D16 attends college and leads a busy life most evenings as a dancer (she's been doing it since she was 5 and although I'm biased, she really is amazing). She broke her phone, so amoungst other things, she has a new one for Christmas (a surprise). They're house is fairly close by (not too close!), but she seldom visits, and WAW has made it abundandtly clear that she doesn't want me to visit her there. So as it stands, we have little contact. I've talked to D16 about this but things aren't really changing. At least I'll be able to call her after the 25th! Honestly, it currently feels like she doesn't need me in her life any more. She's got her Mum, and that seems to be enough. Out of all of the kids, she was the one to deal with our D the best, and she's been fine with it for a long time now.

D14 is a slightly different matter in that he does live with me, but I'm really having some issues with his attitude. Yes, I'm aware he's a teenage boy, I've gone through that twice already and know how difficult things can be! I get cross with him a lot, because he doesn't pitch in or help out at all...with anything. I set him chores to do (along with S19 before his op - and he does them), and they not only NEVER get done, he actually makes such a mess and just leaves it for the maid (Dad).
I've tried so many times to sit down and talk to him about this. I don't want anyone to do my share, and I don't even mind doing more of everything...I'm the parent after all, but to not get ANY help is just not on.

S21 came home from Uni for Christmas. I had to leave work early yesterday to attend a meeting at the school about S14 (he gets into trouble a lot and is currently being reintegrated back into mainstream school). He splits his time between two schools at the moment. When I'd finished there, and been shopping, I went home to talk to S21 and S19 about S14 to see if they would help me in talking to him and trying to get him to understand that this in general is not the life I planned on, but even after revising the plan this year, and knowing I was going to live with the boys, this is not how I saw things being.

The lack of social life is really my own fault I suppose, as there is normally a cost to anything and I simply don't have it.
My earnings are not insubstantial, but my outgoings are massive currently.

When I get to Feb 2017, I should be around £500 a month better off - at which point, I can start to do more fun things, travel for example. WAW and I always planned to travel and I see no reason to change that (lol, she's not coming though!). I have a friend who's also divorced...in fact he did it twice!, who I've talked to a lot this year and he is right up for being my travelling partner. Another friend has asked me to go to Cuba on holiday. These are things for 2017 though.

2016 is looming large, and it will be a year to the day since BD on Friday. Ironically, last year it was on the night of our work's Christmas party's (seperate), and you wouldn't believe it but just purely by chance, both sets of our work colleagues have booked the same venue, same day, same time for this years festivities. I won't be attending, and I'm going to visit a friend instead. Don't get me wrong, I SHOULD go. Go and belly-laugh and show WAW that I'm ok now. But then I asked myself....is that the ONLY reason I'd be going?? Probably.

Be back later!

[Mozza]

Your situation with S14 reminds me of what I had with D7. I've been talking to her about certain things for months and nothing's changed. On day, I said to her: "D7, I told you a thousand times to..." and then I stopped and thought "Who's the idiot here? I tried the same thing a thousand times and it doesn't change. I need a new strategy." The social worker at school told me that D7 understands right and wrong and knows what she has to do, so words won't make a difference. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. At her age, it comes with a sort of list of agreed consequences and when she steps out, they are applied. The point is that it shouldn't be unexpected and arbitrary. It should be fair. I don't know if it could work with your son, but for D7 the consequences were suggested by her.

My point is that you'll have more power if you start speaking with your actions. Find a set of consequences for your son that he will bear and not you. If he doesn't clean, then they are enforced. Make sure it's not something where he can wear you out, because that will be his goal. It has to be something that bothers him a lot and doesn't bother you one bit. You apply them calmly, no "I told you so!", no "You know I'll do it!" Just enforcing. At his age, you don't want a change of his behavior to be seen as a victory for you, or he'll hold out even longer.

For D16, it looks like you'll have to wait it out. Be a good person, give her no reason to despise or avoid you. It sounds like it might take years, but teenagers usually grow to have a more balanced view of their parents. Your efforts to be good at the moment will pay off especially by then.