You have an amazing sense of humor, even through this mess. It is completely eclipsed by H and your M. I am just dying for it to be a few months from now when you have placed that focus back on you are you start to come out of your R shell.
Your H is making a monumental mistake!
All I can say to help you is forget about the A if you can. It is 100% out of your control. He is out of your control. Pile positive things around you like gifts. When that silly man hands you a negative, pick up one of your pretty positives and play with it. Unfortunately you need like 5 positives for every one negative, but you can do it!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I have decided that my limit is 1 glass of wine from now on. I broke down and had what was probably the biggest crying fit of my life, and that includes BD, I punched the floor so hard that my hand is swollen and bruised today, I told him how much trauma and pain he has caused me in the last 10 months. I said I still loved him and would do anything to make this work but that I am at my breaking point with the pain, his nonstop anger, his unwillingness to be transparent about OW, his talking about me with his parents, etc, I said that I can not take those things one more day and as of tomorrow my new goal was going to be learning how to stop loving him.
He said he can't make his anger just disappear but he was working on it. Said he was "trying to love me" and a lot of other stuff. Some good, some awful.
Also revealed that he has been thinking of suicide since 2010.
At one point he commented on the amount of crying I was doing, I said that is 26 years worth of love and respect coming out of me and leaving my body. For good.
It was actually very therapeutic for me but I am not proud of myself and feeling very embarrassed today. And my hand hurts.
This morning he gave me a $300 gift card and made me a cup of tea. I just got back from the grocery store and he asked me to go to starbucks with him in a little while.
I know that what I did was not "dropping the rope" because it was noisy and messy and in his face, but I think I personally needed that release before I actually dropped the rope. I have had so much pain building up inside. I feel like I about to have a physical and mental breakdown, my chest hurts, my jaw hurts, I can't sleep, I cry too much. Its not as bad as post-BD but in the last 6 weeks it has gotten worse. He now knows that I am in severe pain and that I want off the roller coaster.
I was pretty sure that things were over but then this morning with the gift card and now he is being nice? I honestly have so much hate and love for him mixed together right now, it is obvious to me that he just can't be a husband to me right now. He just can't be. I am not taking any action legally and I will not have any more outbursts. I will continue to DB and I truly believe for me at least, that I needed this outburst to clear the air so I can move on. I had certain things that needed saying. It probably set him back a year on his therapy. It probably was a mistake.
Now I am reading Mona and SciDad and Ancaires posts and literally LOL. On one of the worst emotional days of my life I can laugh out loud! I love you guys! Proof that life continues, we can joke, we can F up, but we can still laugh and find humor in the midst of all of this. Starting up with my new account soon. You will not be fooled.
Awww Pho. That really stinks but I'm a little jealous. I have never once confronted H with all the pain he has caused.
You are right, he can't be what you need right now. He is not capable and you have to let him alone to fix or not. he is trying to love you. Maybe he will get there some day soon.
I think his time away will be good for you all. I would just suggest that you try to make the last interaction one where you are positive, calm and confident.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Pho - I'm sorry you are in so much pain. But I do believe there is something to learn from all this. I still do believe in Jack Canfield's equation...
Quote:
The formula I like to use to explain this concept is:E + R = O 
(Events + Responses = Outcome)The basic idea is that every outcome you experience in life (whether it's success or failure, wealth or poverty, wellness or illness, intimacy or estrangement, joy or frustration) is the result of how you have responded to an earlier event in your life. Likewise, if you want to change the results you get in the future, you must change how you respond to events in your life … starting today.
You had an outburst, an overly emotional one in which many things you withheld are now on the table. You were assertive. Now you have a cup of tea, a gift card and a request to talk.
If you want to save your marriage, I think you need to step up and take an assertive approach, instead of going along with status quo.
I'd talk to him (you talk he listens), if you can't do that I'd write a letter, have him sit down and listen.
Discussion needs to ultimately go towards a call to action. You explain your position (I love you, but I will not do this anymore). Then proceed on to your desired action (what do you want, a partner who is fully invested in the relationship? if so then setup an appointment to go talk to MWD. A fix for lack of sex? A fix for better communication? etc etc etc).
Being assertive spoke to him. I think you have to go to that well one more time.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Pho you helped pick me up at a time I was down. I appreciate that so much. I believe others feel the same as I do- you are a strong willed and courageous person who has and continues to work steadfast toward your desire. I thank you greatly for being a pillar on which to lean on and I know lots of us are happy to do the same for you.
I know personally the pain you are going through. The emotional as well as the physical pain from your breakdown. The revelation of Hs thoughts is something that shocked me and ripped my heart apart in my sitch when it also appeared. The mixed feeling of love and hate is inescapable when we reach breakdowns with people we love so much.
I think mahhhty is on to something in saying an asserive approach can help. But who am I to say? I left the stove when the pot was still cooking. I only want to say we are here reading and posting our lives and I for one am very thankful we have had the chance to together.
We all virtualy scratch each others backs and virtualy bring on the 2X4s. In this particular situation we all share a virtual hug with you. To help you pick yourself back up. It looks like you already have with the post following!
PS- That tattoo we talked about- I am thinking JCs Equation
My dear friend pho, I thought a reckoning was coming between you and your husband. You have cleared the air and he knows what troubles your heart. These are good things. Seeing you like this, in pain, might clear out some of the fog in his head, maybe just enough for him to find his way home.
I have been sober quite a while now and don't miss it at all. I understand other people feel differently. I am not trying to get you to stop drinking but am kindly suggesting you moderate it while in this arduous time. Hot chocolate is much more satisfying
Your H is shakened by your pain which doesn't seem all that bad. He's not denying it, and he's not angry at you for showing him how you feel.
It seems that your H is also opening up to you by telling about his suicidal thoughts? If he is asking you to go to starbucks, he is initiating R talks, perhaps you can go along, if you feel like you're up to it, and see what's going to happen? Maybe instead of you talking, you could wait for him to talk?
My XH initiated quite a few R talks in the months leading up to the D, but eventually I tired of them because he was always so angry. On hindsight, I realised that was probably the only way he knew of reaching out to me, and that he probably had to vent his frustrations first. I should have tried harder at validating and being patient.
But this is just me talking...
hmmm... and what was the gift card for? Can it cover lash extensions?
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
