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Originally Posted By: pho
Just got back from family therapy. It was rough. Really, really rough.

I think H really and truly will never forgive me for all the real and embellished faults of mine. I think there is no love left at all in him. None. Just hurt and blame.



I'm sorry I've been busy today and haven't posted yet, but remember this - therapy can be a place for some people to say things they don't feel saying in other circumstances. It sounds like your H doesn't really express himself much, and when he's given an opportunity like in therapy he may go over the top. Not only that, but it seems from other things you've said that he might not be able to accept his role in things (he's so fragile he'll crack if anything is his fault). Combined, you are buried in a nonsensical (at least in terms of reality) spew-fest.

Can you escape somewhere for a bit to GAL or be distracted? It might be a good idea to not dwell on anything that was said.

Besides, believe only 0% that he says


Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12;
S10 and S6
BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015
EA dissolved 12/2016

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
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SciDad and Calibri, thank you for your words. The thing is, I really do believe that H truly believes that I am the cause of all of the problems with his parents. I would bet money on it.

I had a role. I was in a difficult position, and I do not believe I am to blame, but I did have a role in it. I complained too much instead of getting professional help to figure out how to deal with the problems. I knew H didn't have the skills or perspective to handle the situation well and I just kept pressuring him to do it. Until it all blew up in my face. And now I truly believe I am being made the scapegoat for all of it. I believe that I am going to lose my H because of this. H has shut me out and wants nothing to do with me.

In MC I have asked if we can move forward, if we can establish healthy ways of relating and moving forward and H does not want to. He wants to rehash the past.

I am heading out soon to my dinner group. I truly do not want to go. I want to go to bed and curl up under the covers and cry all night. But I will go. I am beyond sad and defeated. I can NOT stay stuck. I can not.

I am choosing to move forward in a healthy way, to put the past behind me, to model healthy and resilient emotions for my children. It is up to H to make his choice.



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Originally Posted By: pho


I had a role. I was in a difficult position, and I do not believe I am to blame, but I did have a role in it. I complained too much instead of getting professional help to figure out how to deal with the problems. I knew H didn't have the skills or perspective to handle the situation well and I just kept pressuring him to do it. Until it all blew up in my face. And now I truly believe I am being made the scapegoat for all of it. I believe that I am going to lose my H because of this. H has shut me out and wants nothing to do with me.


That sounds exactly like my sitch except with mine was dealing with H's depression and hoarding. I don't think he's capable of fixing it.


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Becky, how did I miss that your H has a hoarding problem? My H has depression and about 10 years ago was starting to "hoard" but I managed to nip that one in the bud. It was not at the point of being a "hoarder" but he had a large work van and started the habit of going out every weekend to "moving" sales and buying up or getting for free whatever didn't sell and bringing it home. We were getting very cluttered. My IL's were also going to sales and bringing their large work van loaded with big plastic kids toys about once a month- we had so much stuff it was crazy. At one point I discovered that we had mice and that helped motivate H to help me get rid of things.
He has now gone completely the other direction and is a "minimalist" - has barely any belongings but is constantly shopping to upgrade what he has and then at least he gets rid of the "old" one, but I feel like its part of the same problem just the other end of the spectrum. (I'd much rather be on this end, but still, it is exhausting the amount of effort that he puts into his "stuff". )



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H's problem is not severe but definitely serious. His dad had the same problem. He had garage and basement completely full. He's an emotional purchaser and can't let things go. Anxiety fuels it and I think it's in overdrive now.


Me53
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PA June '15
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Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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I was saddened to read your posts today. It must have be a difficult day for you. This is taking a tremendous toll on you. You are a woman who has stood by the man she loves while he fights his demons. Again I shall quote Carl Jung,

"The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers."

My hope for you was that you fight the good fight and while doing so your husband has a break through in IC. Then you two could work together at repairing the marriage.

It seems that either your husband is more deeply troubled then it first appeared or he is not making any real progress in IC or in the worst case scenario, both. Each time he has served you another portion of fault and blame you have tried to process the issues in a logical and well balanced manner. The discouraging part is that he is not improving and/or the situation is not getting any better. I am very proud of you. No matter how outrageous his claims have been you have loved him, supported him and tried to be good partner in your marriage.

There have been many times when you have describe the pain you are enduring that I reflect on how I created a similar environment for my wife. For that reason, I would stand up and advocate in his behalf. Your pain is now my concern. You appear to be truly suffering. If this continues the pain of staying could become greater then the pain of leaving.

The six month assignment for your husband is blessing. Live your life in peace and harmony. Strengthen your bonds with your children. Help your children foster better bonds with each other. This time will help you put things in perspective.

It truly saddens me to know you are suffering. Life is change and this to shall pass. Also know we are here for you. Be strong pho, be well



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Originally Posted By: mutatio
I was saddened to read your posts today. It must have be a difficult day for you. This is taking a tremendous toll on you. You are a woman who has stood by the man she loves while he fights his demons. Again I shall quote Carl Jung,

"The healthy man does not torture others - generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers."

My hope for you was that you fight the good fight and while doing so your husband has a break through in IC. Then you two could work together at repairing the marriage.

It seems that either your husband is more deeply troubled then it first appeared or he is not making any real progress in IC or in the worst case scenario, both. Each time he has served you another portion of fault and blame you have tried to process the issues in a logical and well balanced manner. The discouraging part is that he is not improving and/or the situation is not getting any better. I am very proud of you. No matter how outrageous his claims have been you have loved him, supported him and tried to be good partner in your marriage.

There have been many times when you have describe the pain you are enduring that I reflect on how I created a similar environment for my wife. For that reason, I would stand up and advocate in his behalf. Your pain is now my concern. You appear to be truly suffering. If this continues the pain of staying could become greater then the pain of leaving.

The six month assignment for your husband is blessing. Live your life in peace and harmony. Strengthen your bonds with your children. Help your children foster better bonds with each other. This time will help you put things in perspective.

It truly saddens me to know you are suffering. Life is change and this to shall pass. Also know we are here for you. Be strong pho, be well


I just wanted to support Mutatio's wise and true words. Pho you are doing all that is in your power. Remember your brilliance, your light, your fabulousness, in the quiet moments when you doubt yourself. There is an abundance of love for you on these boards, and while it maybe not the love your heart is aching for, many hearts here beat at times just for you. And while at home if feels that your love is rejected and insufficient to make change, here your love is healing others. I see it everyday.

((((((Pho)))))))


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(((pho)))

You are too attached to his feelings at the moment. You are not responsible for how he feels. If he told you it was night, when it was 9:00 am would you get your pj's on? What he believes is true is not reality, and you cant get sucked into it.

You do not have to spend your precious energy dealing with his moods. They belong to him. Pile up some positives around you like a wall against his negatives.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
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I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
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Originally Posted By: pho


I had a role. I was in a difficult position, and I do not believe I am to blame, but I did have a role in it. I complained too much instead of getting professional help to figure out how to deal with the problems. I knew H didn't have the skills or perspective to handle the situation well and I just kept pressuring him to do it. Until it all blew up in my face. And now I truly believe I am being made the scapegoat for all of it. I believe that I am going to lose my H because of this. H has shut me out and wants nothing to do with me.

In MC I have asked if we can move forward, if we can establish healthy ways of relating and moving forward and H does not want to. He wants to rehash the past.



Pho, you remind me so much of myself. There's another poster who you remind me of in some ways - SS06. You might want to read her sitch if you have the desire.

I was in the same situation. XH and I were good - until we hit issues. When the issues hit, I pushed XH to handle the situation. I pushed for him to face his fears. To cut the chord from his toxic parents. To address the issues he had from growing up in a negligent environment with a mentally ill mother who was also a drug addict and alcoholic. I think that deep down I knew he wouldn't be able to do the work, that the wounds were too deep. But I wanted so badly for him TO do it. For him to want to be better. For him to see the potential that I saw in him.

The problem, I see now, is that XH didn't have the skills or perspective to deal with it. And honestly, I don't think he wanted to. I think, in the dysfunction, there was comfort. It was all he knew, and to walk away from it - was unthinkable to him. He couldn't separate love from dysfunction. He thought they were synonymous. And here I was, pushing for him to change - thinking I was helping him grow into a better person, yadda yadda. And he resented me for it. But I think he resented himself more. And then it blew up in my face, he had a mental health crisis, everything he has been hiding from has come to the surface and he can't deal. And now we're divorced.

I often wondered, if when we hit the first bump, if I should've insisted on counseling. If it would've made a difference. If we could've been saved? But that would've required him to be honest and open about his feelings and situations, and address a lot of issues. And IF and this is a big IF he had addressed the issues, I don't know if I would've been in a place to hear them. We had different mindsets on what we thought were the issues, and he wasn't strong enough or willing to do the work.

It's hard, because I am such a strong personality. I am hell on wheels and then some. And I think that I was too much for him. That he constantly felt that he had to be something for me. Something that he felt that he should provide. When all I wanted was honesty and love.

I digress, but the point is this. Pho, own your part of it. Learn from it, work on it. But do not adsorb the responsibilities for his part.

y


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H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
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Pho - I love the quotes below. Keep your chin up. I'm confident you will be able to walk with strength and grace.

FB Post
"One of the most important decisions you'll ever have to make is to stop waiting for people in your life to change and realize you are not ‘throwing them under the bus’ by detaching and moving on.

The decision to let go of those who are hell bent on staying messed up and get on with creating the extraordinary life your worthy of living is also the most life enhancing change you’ll ever make. Letting go is excruciatingly painful and will require every fiber of courage you have and then some."

Calibri
"I digress, but the point is this. Pho, own your part of it. Learn from it, work on it. But do not adsorb the responsibilities for his part. "


Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2
M - 8/2008
W is not happy - 1/2014
W wants D - 9/2014
W moved out - 11/2014
D filed - 1/23/2015
D'ed - 2/25/2015
Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
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