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Originally Posted By: pho
Blissfully detached today... I could do this every night for the rest of my life and die happy. No H required to make this magic happen.


I'm so proud of you!

And thank you for helping to start my day off on a positive note. smile


Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12;
S10 and S6
BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015
EA dissolved 12/2016

Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
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Just got back from family therapy. It was rough. Really, really rough.

I think H really and truly will never forgive me for all the real and embellished faults of mine. I think there is no love left at all in him. None. Just hurt and blame.



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(((pho)))
It is normal to think that, but trust me, it is 100% not true.

Look at your own feelings. Don't they rapidly change throughout the day? His does as well. I had a dream last night that was so real I have been awake for hours and I still feel like it actually happened. It created powerful feelings for my H.

You H goes through the exact same things. Of Course he is blaming you! If he did not blame you, he would have to place the blame on himself. He probably feel so much guilt that if he puts blame on top of that guilt he will break.

Believe nothing of what they say and only 50% of what they believe.

Give him time and he will get out of this stage he is in. You have heard this a thousand times, but just practice patience.

If possible, try and squeeze in a few things today that are just for you. It will combat his treatment of you. And whatever you do, do not believe you are what he said. Maybe some of it was true, but not to the extent that he is using it now.


Me: 42
H: 45
M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs
D: 17
D: 15
S: 12
I kicked him out 8/21/15
I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
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Originally Posted By: pho
Just got back from family therapy. It was rough. Really, really rough.

I think H really and truly will never forgive me for all the real and embellished faults of mine. I think there is no love left at all in him. None. Just hurt and blame.



Ouch. I feel your on this Pho, that sounds brutal.

Maybe he's just got a lot of hurt and blame to work through before getting to the real issues. Today's just another day and it's one colored by hurt and blame. Doesn't make them accurate or the truth.

You know you, and nothing anyone can say can change that. Not even a clearly angry H.

Sending you love and strength today.

PP


M 39 W 36
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BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day
Served 9/15
D finalized 6/17
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I'm so sorry. I don't have a any advice. I just feel badly for your very tough situation.


Me53
H48
M 13
No children together
BDMay '15
PA June '15
H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing
Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
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Hi Pho,

I'm sorry that therapy was rough today. It never gets any easier, hearing hurtful things come out of the mouth of the person we love.

It's so easy to absorb their pain, and make it our own.

I met with my IC last night, and was in so much pain, as my xh is on medication that doesn't seem to be working, and he's just raged and screamed at me in the last two weeks. It's so tough. And she let me boohoo on the couch and then when I was ready to hear what she had to say she had the following to say:

-Of course he loves you (to my snot filled wailing on how much I feel XH doesn't love me and wants to erase me and forget me and move on). He wouldn't be expressing such a range of emotions to someone that he "felt nothing for." She said that while it wasn't healthy, it was an indicator that while he was fighting with me - that he still had the love there. Because if he didn't? If he truly were done, he would've blocked me consistently, NC, nothing.

-His feelings are his truth. He rides the rollercoaster with his illness. Some days he loves me and somedays he feels like I am to blame. Those are his truths. But they are not mine.

What are your truths Pho?


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
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gonegrl Offline OP
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Thank you PP and Mona. But it's been almost a year already. At what point do I accept that he isn't going to "come out of this". At what point do I accept that this is the way things are now. The thing is in family therapy, it was my d who brought up some points.

She said that she "hates" H because of the way he treats me. He laughed at her. He laughed! It was a lot more complicated than that. I don't want my child to defend me, I don't want her to feel in the middle. I wish this board was anonymous because I want to say more. I have an IC appointment on Friday, I will hash it out there.



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This will sound so pro-divorce, and I'm not. But it's something I've learned.

Sometimes, people cannot be together. It doesn't mean that they don't love one another. It doesn't mean that all is lost. It just means that at that point in time, for who they are, and what their goals are - it's not going to work.

I feel that way about my xh. Most days he feels the same too. It doesn't mean that we don't care, and that we don't love one another - but honestly the healthiest thing for the both of us was to part. And that's a bitter pill to swallow. Maybe down the road we will reconnect. Maybe we won't. But I know that I stood for my marriage and I stood for myself.

He may come out of it in five days. He may come out of it in five weeks. Five years. He may never come out of it. I know you're struggling Pho. Could it be perhaps you're afraid to give up? And that if you let him go, he will suddenly become healthy and ride into the sunset happily ever after? Are you afraid of the stigma of giving up? Honestly, are you just tired and afraid?

What you're going through is traumatic. It truly is. But how you decide to move through this and forward is up to you sweetie. Not him.

--
Additionally - for better or for worse? Sometimes doesn't factor in things like abuse, mental illness, life changes. I think the only person we can truly promise for better or for worse to is ourselves.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
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Calibri, thank you. I am getting to the point where I believe he has decided that his childhood issues and his need to "redo" things with his parents are his priority over his current family. Definitely more important than me, and probably more important than our children. I am hoping that while he is gone for the next 6 months he will figure things out. I am hoping that, but I am not hopeful. I am realizing that staying with him in his current state of mind and "waiting" is not in my best interests, or that of my children.

I read something yesterday about detachment, that really helped me. It came from a FB posting, hope I am allowed to repost it here:

One of the most important decisions you'll ever have to make is to stop waiting for people in your life to change and realize you are not ‘throwing them under the bus’ by detaching and moving on.
The decision to let go of those who are hell bent on staying messed up and get on with creating the extraordinary life your worthy of living is also the most life enhancing change you’ll ever make. Letting go is excruciatingly painful and will require every fiber of courage you have and then some.

This made me think. The "Extraordinary life" that I am worthy of living is simply a happy life with my family. I just want the simple things in life. I am not asking for much, my "bar" is set pretty low. I have been in crisis mode, trauma mode for far too long. I want peace. I want love. I am so very tired, I just can't keep doing this any more.



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I know that feeling all too well. Letting go is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I haven't even started yet.


M: 39 W:38 D: 11 S: 7
T: 18
M:13
I suspect problem: 8/15
ILYB: 9/15
Never quit on love
I ask her to leave:10/15
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