do nothing or what

[roist]

I have been focusing so hard on my self improvement plan and associated actions. That is going relatively well. I'll post about that in my old thread when I get the chance.

This thread is to ask advice ( yet again) about my struggle with an inappropriate friendship. I feel myself being drawn towards an inevitable confrontation with my W. It just feels the right thing to do. But often what we feel is the right thing and what we feel obliged to do are usually counter productive.i

I believe it is an EA at least for my W. Him I don't think so but he is not important. It could v well be, that they are just good friends. I am fairly sure they have not m meeto alone in months, they text less than before....... so why am I so bugged by this friendship.

I can handle a SSM, I can put up with unmet needs.but I am not sure I can "do nothing". I think it is an EA because she turns to her m with her problems and emotional support. Communications are usually within the limits of friendships but sometimes W's are borderline without crossing it.

My w seems to initiate more than him and she is often the one looking to chat. Several tines she has met him but was surprised by someone else being there too. This happened a few times. He seems often to be not available to meet and has canceled last minute several times. By meet I mean for tea or coffee.

Doing nothing makes sense in that it I am almost sure it will not develope. This gives. me time to work on me and to be better financially for the sake of children. Plus I fully understand that the issue isbetween me and W.

However setting a nc boundary feels right. I have already said I will not be in a R with someone in another R. W and I will surely not agree on this constituting a R. I am not 100% sure myself. I am not the same man I was a year ago when I first became uncomfortable with this friend. I now do not fear either my W or losing my M. I still want to save my M more than anything.

Apart from the obvious reasons and regaining respect etc I have another reason I like this idea. But I don't think it is good because it is controlling. That reason is that if W chooses friend over M, that will be a known fact afterwards. Is it wrong to want to he able to say I set a boundary and she chose not to respect it even to detriment of M. I am not sure if I want to hang this on W or if I just want to make a stand.

For the most part I am doing good but every now and again this hits me like a sledge hammer. Please give opinions even if already stated previously.
A nc boundary could be what I give to my W to celebrate our 20th anniversary together!!

I really need help today.

[Dawgs]

Hi roiste, I am not fully up to speed on your situation but I was in a similar boat.

This thread is to ask advice ( yet again) about my struggle with an inappropriate friendship. I feel myself being drawn towards an inevitable confrontation with my W. It just feels the right thing to do. But often what we feel is the right thing and what we feel obliged to do are usually counter productive.i

I believe it is an EA at least for my W. Him I don't think so but he is not important. It could v well be, that they are just good friends. I am fairly sure they have not m meeto alone in months, they text less than before....... so why am I so bugged by this friendship.

The inappropriate friendship - anytime a spouse (in our case, W) communicates inappropriately with a person of the opposite sex (heck, maybe even same sex) in ways that they hide from their spouse, then that is stepping over the line. Not saying that the W shouldn't have male friends, but we all know the difference between what's appropriate and not.

I am not sure, but as long as one (in this case your W) is getting emotional support from another person in ways they feel is lacking in the marital department, then that is an EA. She is getting what she feels she needs from another man, even though he may not be on the same level. But also think about this - if he is providing and responding with support/advice/inappropriate talk, then he is just as guilty.

My w seems to initiate more than him and she is often the one looking to chat. Several tines she has met him but was surprised by someone else being there too. This happened a few times. He seems often to be not available to meet and has canceled last minute several times. By meet I mean for tea or coffee.

How do you know this? Have you seen the messages? Or just going on her word? If it is her word, then a wise poster told me just yesterday to "believe nothing of what they say." Sandi will set us all straight on that...

If she is meeting for coffee/tea, whats to say she isn't meeting for more? Sorry to put things so bluntly, but it is a question that must be asked.

I think it is an EA because she turns to her m with her problems and emotional support. Communications are usually within the limits of friendships but sometimes W's are borderline without crossing it.

It is an EA.

Doing nothing makes sense in that it I am almost sure it will not develope.

Who doing nothing? You? I am sort of confused on this one - are you saying that doing nothing on your part will keep their EA from happening or maybe turning into a PA? If it really is an EA (and I suspect it is based on what you said) and they feel comfortable enough, it very well could turn into a PA. After all, they at least met for "coffee/tea" once (that you know of), right?

Apart from the obvious reasons and regaining respect etc I have another reason I like this idea. But I don't think it is good because it is controlling. That reason is that if W chooses friend over M, that will be a known fact afterwards. Is it wrong to want to he able to say I set a boundary and she chose not to respect it even to detriment of M. I am not sure if I want to hang this on W or if I just want to make a stand.

How is it controlling to say you won't be in an open M? I guess it could sound controlling if you word it the wrong way, but that just doesn't sound right to me.

My W had an EA a few months back and when I called her out on it she blew up and did all of the accusations that a WW will do - everything from saying that she couldn't trust me because I snooped and the whole nine yards. She said they were just friends and he was helping her, etc. I said BS and ended up telling her that it was, in fact, inappropriate. In our next MC after that, she admitted that it was wrong. I don't know if they are still in contact or whatever as I haven't checked in quite sometime. But she knows I won't be part of an open M. And, yes, I still have everything I found.

Think about this - if you have to question it, then more likely than not, it is happening. I can understand how you feel because I was there. I never wanted to think that my W would do that.

[isittoolate]

I have a W with a similar EA. I'm 99% certain it would never progress from what it is now - ' good friends' according to W.

But she gets something out of it.

For instance before BD on her way home from work in the car she would ring me. Now she rings him.

I know him and since BD have met him twice. Since two weeks he is also a FB friend of mine. We have had a 30 min conversation in the last 2 weeks. He is funny and engaging but but He has mental (bipolar) and physical problems and W has a history of befriending life's waifs and strays and taking them under her wing.

So a non-typical EA , a neutral person W can talk to. I asked whether she had spoken to him about us, she admitted it, but said she wouldn't do so again.NB she hasn't told her best friends other than ' we are having problems'. I also value her integrity. She has never lied to me in 15 years.

So what to do. MWD says pick your battles. Is he a threat? Yes but the same as if she was talking to a best GF.

I feel like talking to him directly - I know where he is working and could meet him for coffee

[roist]

Thank you for your reply. I will read up on your situation.Mibe is under "WAS or what".

Doing nothing is a concept I picked up here. As long as no boundaries are passed you do nothing directly.It is out of our control.

I am not in denial and yes anything I know is from snooping. This snooping is also what makes me sure that it is just chatting and friends stuff. It is a fine line between friendship and EA. I have no proof of EA, just my reading between the lines.

My controlling point was that I was taking the action so later I would be seen in a better light as the H who made a stand and W made her choice. This is not a good reason to act.

Thanks again for dropping by. What would you do?

[roist]

Thank you IS.

I read your situation daily. You are doing well.

My W's friend is also not typical EA and almost ALMOSTfits into just friends bracket. I am relatively confident it will not develope but it is a danger.

Someone pointed out early on for me that I could become the prefect H and perfect man and not be noticed due to potential EA. I know it is a symptom and not the cause of our situation BUT maybe it is blocking our situation.AsAs I have said many times, at best he is a well meaning but anti M friend .

Ideally I would like to get passed Christmas without this battle as I am nit confident of W wanting to stay. This is for the children's sake. Funnily I was convinced that last Christmas would be our last family Christmas!

I am not clear what you suggest I do.

[roist]

I have found some strength in just writing this here.Thank you for the replies, so far.

I know this is not where my focus needs to be. I am working hard on positive actions and rebuilding me.

I want to do what gives my M the best chance to survive. Ending or making a stand against a v possible EA feels necessary.But that is my problem this does not feel like a decision. I feel forced to do it. I see, understand and agree with that feeling, but it was not my decision.

Often here it is said that when ever we feel a need to act it is usually not Tue best thing to do.

I have just lost another half days work time over this.
I am not happy about that.I thought I was improving my focus at work. This cannot continue. Aghhh.

[Zephyr]

Plus I fully understand that the issue isbetween me and W.

I really need help today.

so you know where I am on this, you don't need me to post a novella, I just have a couple of questions to ponder...

What IS the fundamental issue then (from HER perspective, I know yours)?

What has been missing in your R with wife that she needs to talk to someone else?

What can you do to improve on THAT or to infuse some of what she is missing into your R!!!

Mark

And I am sorry about the focus at work, I wish I had any semblance of an answer for you there...I am the worst

[roist]

W juste texte wondering when i would be home from work.I replied "maybe never" I did send a second text a minute later with a smiley and the hour I would finish up at.

It was meant as a bad joke but guess I need a pna and stfu smoothly on the way home!

[roist]

Zephyr,

You have become my best cyber bud. I appreciate all the times you have written to me. Sometimes I wish we could chat off board, but here is good.

No you don't have to repeat yourself. I actually wanted to copy your post on doing nothing before I removed my threads...... done now.

Recent exchanges from W to friend, I have noticed at times my W really really pushes the line without breaking it. I am not talking about talking about issues but just short of insinuations. He to be fair has not jumped and more so goes quite at such times. But he is still there!

I hear your point about what is missing that W looks for. I believe I can just keep piling all I have into that void but until my W locks her side it will just pass through.

I need to think this out fully but I feel I am at the point you were recently and you exploded with a NC boundary. So I know you get me.

I may step back from here for a while. I will miss checking in on others and also gaining insights. But I have turned around this too long. I need to choose my path. I have not given up but I have had enough.

Thanks for being there.

[mutatio]

Roiste, understandably you are attached to your wife and your marriage, we all are. I read this and connected with it, maybe it will help you see it from a different angle. This is an example to illustrate attachment that I love:

"In the South of India, people used to catch monkeys in a very special way. Actually they let monkeys catch themselves. What they did is cutting a small hole in a coconut, just large enough for a monkey to put its hand in. Next, you fix the coconut to a tree, and fill it with a sweet. The monkey smells the sweet, squeezes its hand into the coconut, grabs the sweet and .... finds that the fist does not fit through the hole. Now the trick is, that the last thing the monkey will think of is to let go of the sweet; and it holds itself prisoner. Nothing could be easier for a human being who comes and catches it."

This is what we do to ourselves after BD. Please consider letting go to free yourself. The sweet will still be there if you let go.