Inspiring updates

[Sotto]

I'm starting a thread to capture inspiring updates from fellow DBers who have been 'at this for a while.'

I know it helps me to read these, and I hope it may help others to find them in one place. I'll add to the thread when I find more, and if you can think of updates that have inspired you, feel free to add them in.

These updates may be from people who have managed to save their M's, or from those who haven't. But, I hope they will show that DBing can lead to success either way.

For those of us who struggle with the ups and downs of DBing, I hope these updates will show that if you persist, dig deep and focus efforts in the right places - your life and your loved ones, will truly reap the benefits.

Mozza, yours is going to be first to add, followed by MCS....

[Sotto]

Mozza - it's a year to the day since Mozza started DBing..

It's been over a month and I've been meaning to give an update for a while.

I have turned 40 in the meantime and my gift to myself was my D. I wanted to move on, to accept the reality and no longer look back at WW and R as an option. Indeed, I no longer want to reconcile. The idea has been with me almost since the beginning of BD, growing slowly but surely: WW cheated on me once and threatened to leave after 5 years and one kid, then five years and one more kid later, she ran away with a colleague she met a month earlier. I cannot ignore this fact in my assessment of her. Before that, I wanted to spend my life with her. After that, she was a different person.

I'm not proud of the husband I was. Maybe I was worse than average, maybe not, but for sure I was not good enough for her. I could have done better, but I didn't. And she left. She had lost interest in me earlier than that and it was very painful to me, and a source of arguments. She's gone now and looking back is no longer helping me.

In every other aspects of my life, I'm going through a golden age. Everything about my life is right. All my family and friends are healthy and in good situations. So am I: no health issues, a job I love and plenty of work and income. I've never been this close to my kids and parents. I live near them, I love my apartment, and I enjoy dating, even though I haven't met anyone I'd consider as a new life partner. I am in better shape than ever. I could go on.

A few things have brought me there, just before my birthday.

I saw a man on a bike with a leg prosthesis.

I read Norah Ephron who said "My divorce lasted longer than my marriage. It's enough."

I re-heard a bit from comedian Mike Birbiglia who tells how he got involved in a car with a drunk driver who rammed his car. Because of a mistake in the police report, the insurance wanted him to pay $12,000 to the drunk driver. He calls the police to get the report revised and when he finally talks to the captain, he's told «You made a bad turn, now do the right thing, and pay for the guy's car.» He's outraged, of course, and becomes consumed in a fight for justice, so much that his friends avoid him because that's all he talks about. One night, he's on a date with his girlfriend, writing ideas about the case when she says to him: "I don't know what to tell you. You're right, but it's hurting you." And so he paid and moved on.

There has been a few more things, and I was finally ready to hear them. Like the amputee on a bike, it might not be what I wanted, but I can still live a full life. Like Norah Ephron, I can choose to move on before it consumes too much of my life. Like Mike Birbiglia, perhaps I'm right but it doesn't matter: Do I want to be right or happy?

Another thing stuck with me recently: a good friend full of wisdom remarked that I should want WW to be happy otherwise there will be hell to pay for me. If she loses her boyfriend, her job, her health or whatever, it won't be good for me. I still resent her too much for what she's done, but that is my next step, the place where I'm heading my ship.

Then my goal will be to move past my victim status. I don't want to be marked by this D. I don't want to be the guy who's carrying this burden, who can't trust, who's sad underneath. I want to be as whole as I was before it happened.

Most will not see this as a success story because I did not R. But if our primary goal is to save ourselves, than I am a success story. DBing has helped me tremendously to get through the worst period of my life and doing the right thing. I'm proud of how I behaved myself during that horrible year. I'm proud of how I acted with my WW and my kids and with myself. If I had one thing to change, I would be less open to so many people about my relationship with WW. I confided in too many people, but then again, this is not a big regret. I don't know if I can say that this is the end of DBing, given that I've always seen it as a good way to live my life, R or not. Many things are now a normal part of my life, especially doing things for myself and not for WW. I speak with my actions, with her as in the rest of my life. I'm immensely grateful I found this community: it was the only place I met people who were going through the same thing.

I'll probably stick around to read about a few people's lives and perhaps to give an update every now and then. I want to say an immense thank you to all of you, the vets and the newbies, for being a special part of my life at a moment where I needed it most.

[Sotto]

MCS - BD was 8.14 for MCS and he started DBing in 10.14...

So, I got served with papers. Have met with my lawyer and will start working out how much I need to pay her to buy her out of the house. For the kids, she put in the agreement the same schedule as we have now. Me the weekdays, her the weekends. I'm sure we'll tweak it for some days for me to have a weekend once a month.

I really don't know how WW is doing or what she's doing. Still the bare minimum contact, even about the kids. I wrote some stuff in the agreement to improve it, but I don't think she feels there's a problem.

For me, I'm doing fine. I'm still in a relationship with another LBS and it's going good. We both seem to be on the same page with not rushing into anything, working through our sitchs individually, focus on our kids, etc. all the stuff that seems to be conservative and right given the circumstances. I've gotten to the acceptance phase and my life 'feels' normal day to day. There's still a lot of work I need to do for myself, but I can see I'm going to be just fine out of all of this. I've become the rock for my kids, their stability, I've accepted the things I can't control, and have made peace with myself that the things in the marriage that I own we're not the cause of what happened. What it was was a normal marriage with one person struggle herself and not asking (anyone) for help. There wasn't any way I could address what she never told me was bothering her.

I hope she gets the help she needs to be okay with her decisions. But I think the fantasy had not burst for her and is still getting fooled by OM that he's going to leave his GF. Until WW sees this for what it is, she'll continue down the cheese less tunnel that got her here. If anything it's a sad story of someone having everything going for her, but she couldn't reconcile with her inner struggles. I wish her the best and hope we can work the communication with regards to the kids out in due time.

[Sotto]

Defacto - BD for Defacto was 8.14 and he started DBing in 3.15

Hey all,
I know it's been a few weeks so I just wanted to say hello. I'm doing fantastic! Don't think XW has finalized D yet but I will no longer live in limbo and uncertainty. I have moved on and it feels great!

On a funny side note, XW called me in a huff last night, asking for details about my meeting with OM's W from over six months ago. XW wanted to know if OM's W mentioned if there were other mistresses. Hilarious!

Anyway, I hope everybody is well. I will make a concerted effort to drop by more often.
_________________________
Me:35 W:30
D:4 S:1
Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA
In House Separation: 01/14/15
W moves out: 04/05/15
I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15
W serves D papers: 06/19/15
Mediation: 09/16/15
D final: 12/01/15

[Sotto]

Gogofo has been DBing since 1.14. Soon after D, his XW turned back towards him and they are now working on their R again...

Things have changed since going dark.

The XW invited me to lunch on Monday, I declined.

Tuesday morning she called me to ask some random question and then asked if we could talk when she dropped the boys off, I said okay.

The talk... I will try and paraphrase.

She is struggling with closure after the D. She has tried many things to get over our M and deal with the D, but nothing helps. She over schedules herself to stay busy, travels, does things with family, etc, but nothing was working. She said her IC suggested she ask me about getting closure.

I asked what she was looking for or what closure meant to her and she really had no answer. After some more talks I told her my true opinion, that she has a "Gogofo" sized hole in her and that the D was not the answer.

Some talk about issues in the M. I said there were things I would do differently. I ran down to her what I thought happened from the first time she left me all the way through the D.

Had some talk about OM and how that effected us and the M.

I pressed her on some questions. She expressed some of her errors. Can't remember is there was much remorse or not. She is now owning up to feeling like she was having a MLC. I told her she put a lot of her issues on me and that I took a lot of blame for issues that were not because of me. I told her D'ing me was not the solution to her issues and it was BS.

She admitted her to some of her faults and even admitted that she is not the big strong tough independent woman she portrays herself to be. She is actually needy and sometimes weak; I agreed with her.

She talked about missing family times, and how hard holidays and b-days have been and how 6 months later she does not feel better. She talked about how I am the only person in her life that she has ever spent time with and never got bored or sick of me. I told her about re-writing our history when she thought I was the problem in her life and only saw our past as bad.

I did a lot of listening and letting her talk. I got the sense that she was poking around and inquiring about how I felt about her. So I manned up and flat out asked her if she wanted me. She went to explain what she wanted; to feel happy and cared for, etc. When she was finished I asked her is she wanted ME. She stopped and got a little teary-eyed and said yes.

We talked more about fixing what was our M. She said we needed MC before I could say it. I said that I was not going to do it in an open marriage and I told her I wanted to see action from he because she served me with D papers.

Yesterday she send a video of the boys riding bikes and today she sent a snapchat of them at the park. I did not respond to either, I remained dark for my own sanity. I am trying to 180 my over enthusiastic approach I did when trying to reconcile before.

Today when I picked up the kids she approached me again and asked about our talk, speaking in code because the boys were in the room. She said she had been up and down and was wondering why I was not communicating with her. I told her again that I would be open to working on us as long as we had help and it was just us. I said I did not want to be the other man.

This leaves me now with the next step in a possible first time full reconciliation attempt. She is leaving the country on the 25th so I assume we will talk before then. I need to reiterate that I am ready to work on this with a MC and no OM.

I am more nervous and guarded this time because I have clarity and am not in the panic of loosing her that I had when we were still married. It was nice to hear that she is struggling and misses me and wants me, but I want to see and feel it. I am sure I will be guarded for quite some time. We both also agreed that if we do this it needs to be slow.
_________________________
M:34 XW:34
Together: 10y
Living: 9y
Married: 7y
Son:6 Son:4
Separated: 12/28/13
Piecing: 5/2/14
Separated 2nd: 10/16/14
W filed, but pulled it: 11/5/14
papers served: 1/27/15
D final: 3/6/15

[Sotto]

BD for Thornton was 5.14 and his W turned back towards the R within a few months. They are still together....

Hey Everyone,

It's been a while since I've posted on the boards but I do occasionally check in and read up on some of your posts.

Everything has been going great! W and I are doing very well, communicating, and making plans for our future. I am still participating in counseling which have proved to be extremely helpful. I have learned so much about myself and human psychology in general.

Some of you may remember me from last Summer, that's when my nightmare began. I can relate to all of you newcomers. I can still very vividly remember the feeling of utter panic I had. My entire life felt like it was over. Every single second of every single day was spent obsessing about my WAW.

The point of this message is to offer a little encouragement to those of you suffering. Things really can change. But they do take plenty of time to change.

All of the advice that I was given here on the board was the exact opposite of what I what my mind was telling me to do. I stuck with the program and listened to the veterans here.

Whenever I felt like I was going to lose it and do something detrimental, I would post here FIRST. There were many times I was talked out of a "great idea" by Mach or Wonka and countless others. I am so happy I listened and trusted in the process.

I admire all of you and your commitment to your relationships. There's not many people like us in the world anymore. Continue to fight the good fight and work on yourselves. You can't see it now (or even imagine), but you will find happiness again, with or without your WAS.

Baby steps..

Thorn
_________________________
Me: 38
Her: 38
D (Mine): 14
D (Hers): 7
T: 3.5 years
Bomb: 5/10/2014
She left: 5/10/2014
She's back: 7/7/2014

[Sotto]

BD for Tarheel was early 2013 and he started DBing in 1.14. His W has just said she plans to file for D...

Wow, almost 5 mos since I last posted. Felt I owed an update to everyone that helped me along this journey...

W and I haven't really communicated much for the past several mos. All our communication is via email and it's usually about the kids' schedules. I just reached a point where I was done trying to converse with her. It wasn't worth the energy/time when I felt like I was the only one trying to salvage our M and even a friendship. She'd tell me she wanted to be friends, but I honestly don't recall one simple 'hey Tarheel, how's it going?' call/text/email in the past 2 yrs. Her attitude really hasn't changed- any hint of R talk and she shuts down or avoids the topic.

I won't go play by play on our interactions over the last several mos, but in short, our cycle continued. We'd start talking about D, then one of us would soften and ask 'what if' type questions, only to by followed by more radio silence. Anyway, we were set to meet up a couple weeks ago to discuss our options, but W rescheduled 3 different times. Mostly at the last minute. We finally met last night. We both agreed that it's a difficult decision to make and that it's hard to say we're 100% 'done'. I eventually got out of her that deep down, she feels like she needs to just end things. She admitted that her delay has been in part to her inability to take action without being 'pushed'. I did my best not to try to sway her decision or change her mind.

I had sent a dissolution finance proposal about a month ago. She's supposed to be reviewing and getting back to me with a timeline, but going by past history, I'm sure I'll need to 'push' her along to take action. I'm not devastated. I'm not angry. I'm mainly disappointed. I told her last night that I don't think we were ever on the same page at the same time about actually trying to save our M. I guess my biggest frustration is that I feel she never did 'try' these past 2 yrs, although I understand she struggled with these feelings way before I was aware of them.

So we'll see what happens these next few weeks- whether she actually pushes forward or it's more of the same. It's still fresh, so I'm not sure if I'll help push or just sit back. Suppose I have no reason to push unless I saw a potential R with someone else....

W wants us to be able to sit together at kids' activities, be able to call each other up with schedule changes, etc, but I told her that was not how I saw it playing out. Right or wrong, I feel that for me to fully move on and heal, I need to stick to only necessary contact with her. Maybe in time that changes, but she hasn't acted like my friend in 2 yrs- why would a D suddenly change that?

As far as my GAL- I'm keeping busy getting together with different groups of friends and doing things I didn't used to do. It's amazing how different my attitude towards others and life in general has become. I don't let emotions control me anymore. I've become so much more confident in myself. I've become a better person. The kids look to me as the 'responsible' parent. I'm much more outgoing and am not shy about approaching women. I have not dated (don't feel it's fair to anyone involved), but I do have a friend who's been wanting to set me up with one of her co workers.

This forum, and all those that provided their input, played a big part in where I am today. For that, I can't thank you guys and gals enough. I learned so much from not only my thread, but others as well. I look back at the Tarheel that first posted and cringe at the things I said and did. Like most newbies, I felt like my world had ended. Things would never get better. I needed to do things my way because only I knew my W. I could 'nice' her back. I was wrong- I wish I would have been more confident and stood up for myself from day 1 (even if I was faking it). In honesty, I think I would have stood a better chance at saving my M. But I've grown, and that's what I've tried to view this as- a growing experience. Thank you to all that read, comment and dedicate your time to helping others! And newbies- it gets better, I promise!
_________________________
Me: 38 W: 35
M: 15 years
3 Kids- S15, S12, D10
1st BD- 2/2013 / 2nd BD- 9/25/2013
Separation Began- 10/2013
W 'tries' 8/21- 10/9/14
W says she's filing 2/9/15

[Sotto]

Crimson and his XW are reconciling after 3 years apart. For some reason I can't copy and paste this update, but here's a link...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2598447&page=1

[Sotto]

Lou R's BD was in Spring'14. Her H appears to be in MLC and was living with OW, but expressed a wish to reconnect a couple of months ago....

Update time:

Work has been full on, this week’s delights from the customers have resulted in me having a tetanus and diphtheria booster injection sick – the job hunt continues ……..

Next weekend is my last shift at the motel – although I am not sure the owner believes I am actually leaving !

I caught up with some girlfriends for lunch today, it was a really lovely day, although the 2 ½ hr drive home in the rain and dark was not so nice. We have started planning our trip in Feb, set a date and decided on some places to visit. I know it’s still a while away, but it gives me something to look forward to and save for.

Update on h sitch:
He rang me again, spent an hour talking. Too much to write down so will give you the short version.

He and ow are really over, both of them know it, she is less accepting but understands that he doesn’t have any feelings for her. He said he has been sleeping in the spare room for the past couple of months. He has been away with work and they spend little time together so have agreed to meet up this weekend to discuss the moving out arrangements – both of them moving out of their current place. He is selling his Ute to cover the financial expenses and clear his debts.

He spoke about us, what he is feeling, his thoughts and fears. He asked where my head is regarding him and us since we last talked. We both agree that we are concerned that one of us may get hurt if this goes further than friendship for one of us and not for both of us and is it a gamble we want to take? Do we want to potentially ruin what we do have now …..

End result is that until he has completely left ow and got his own place our contact will remain as occasional texts and emails – as set by my boundary. Once in his own place we have agreed he will take some time to develop his own life as I have an independent life and he hasn’t and its important that both of us have that. We will start slowly with developing a friendship, getting to know each other again, with the possibility (and it really is only a possible at this stage) of this moving into a relationship. We jointly have agreed that we will no longer date other people (he does not know I have not dated at all, and he said he has no interest in dating anyone else).

I change nothing – the no dating rule …ha ha, easy one to achieve. I don’t live anywhere near him so my independent life carries on as usual. If he wants this, then he will make it happen ….. the most important question right now is: Do I Want This - What Do I Want

[Dawn70]

Awesome idea! There are such awe-inspiring stories on here and I love reading those that have moved forward in life. Thanks, Sotto, for putting them all in one place.