The Next Day...

[mahhhty]

I read this all late last night, there is a lot of information in here to think about…

"I guess I'm just not confident in it being successful. "
That's the problem. You're still looking at this as being a plan that you have to obsess over. In order to detach, you really just let go.

Mr Bond – I know you are right. I feel myself going through the process. I’m not there yet but I know I am making progress. Last night was a good example of this. I’ll explain at the end.

I know 100% what you mean about the phone conversations. Sam thing happens here. I don't acknowledge her but talk to kids about what she says. Not sure if it is right or not!

OT - I'm not sure if it is the best path forward. But I think it is perfectly natural. And I'm confident that it doesn't actually matter.

Inching forward. Mahhty, you are awesome! Your daughter is adorable.

Pho – Thank you! I needed that. You aren’t so bad yourself!!! Keep on inching!

I hope this isn't a hijack, but I have a page on my computer with quotes from the posts on here that have helped me the most. It's like a DB highlight reel. Here is the one I have from Greek on Coach:

"What Greek says Coach did to win her back....

PP - Thank you! This is a good reminder. I've read this and posted it in the past, but it is definitely a solid reminder. Strength, Confidence and Grace!

That all being said, after a year or so of trying to put humpty dumpty back together again, GAL'ing, 180'ing and trying to get wife to notice you and change, a betrayed husband can then go to "let them go" and just be done the relationship while still retaining a side plate of hope that maybe they'll be one of the couples that rekindles their marriage years down the road. Essentially you are waiting for the affair to end and it might never end so get on living your own life and your (ex) wife will call you if and when the affair ends. They almost always do and the healthier and happier you are at that time, the more likely they'll regret what they've done and seek reconciliation. Chances are you'll have moved on by then....but maybe not.

GB - I agree with this. I've been thinking a lot about this lately.

All - Thank you for chiming in. I appreciate the effort and support!

Update from last night...

I was crashing at a friend's last night while on travel. Him and his W are very good friends of mine (their wedding was this past August). They both loved my W, when she was my W. Now they are skeptical and protective. They are well educated individuals and she is a therapist with a specialty for trauma victims and people with mental health disorders.

So our conversations are good ones and tend to challenge me (which I enjoy). We started talking about the process of letting go. Subsequently, discussing my concerns of letting go, and her coming back later.

My friend's W asked me these questions:

- Do you want her to come back?
- How long are you willing to wait?
- Don't you feel as if you are putting your life on hold?
- You said her coming back would be the best thing for the family, but would it be the best thing for you?

I didn't have steadfast answers, but they are very thought provoking. It was clear based on their tones, that they don't necessarily agree with my thought process. But they totally do see my growth and commented multiple times.

Earlier in the evening, I tagged along with them at their Christmas Party. I went outside for a minute to call the kids. D probed on where I was, which lead to X probing. Then X sent me pictures via text. Followed by multiple text messages. I responded once, and stopped responding after that. I feel like I have been seeing things more clearly lately.

I'm sure I will have many more ups and downs moving forward, and although I couldn't answer my friend's W's questions, I feel pretty good about where I am.

PS.... Great quote....

A Truth About Karma That You Won't Hear from the Mainstream Version.

"Now as a man is like this or like that, according as he acts and according as he behaves, so will he be;
a man of good acts will become good, a man of bad acts, bad;
he becomes pure by pure deeds, bad by bad deeds;

And here they say that a person consists of desires,
and as is his desire, so is his will;
and as is his will, so is his deed;
and whatever deed he does, that he will reap."

- Brihadaranyaka Upanishad, 7th Century BC

[mahhhty]

Sandi's 13,472nd Post is a good one for LBHs & WWs.
Vise's Thread

I hope you will allow me to use your thread to maybe express more than just this particular subject at hand.

Not smothering her is so very important. Sometimes we say to love them from a distance. I don't know why that some LBH'S get the idea they are required to stop having feelings when they detach, separate, or even divorce. Nobody ever has to stop loving another person. It is usually better for the LBS to love from a healthy distance (whether a few steps, or separate lives).

When I was the WW, I could not stand for my H to hover over me, touch me, or even share the same room. When I made the decision to end the A and stay in my M, I still felt the same way for a while. Honestly, it was quite some time.

LBH's must try to understand, as best as they can, that even after the A ends, she has to gradually get back to being the W she once was. As painful as it must be on the H to know she doesn't want him touching her or to get too close........he needs to remember it is part of her adjustment and getting to where she can heal. She is not able to give him the physical and emotional evidence of loving him, like he longs for her to do. Not at that time. The best physical evidence she can give him is to follow a transparency plan after she sends a letter to OM ending all forms of contact.

Slowly, but surely, she will come around......and so will her feelings for her H........if she has come out of her waywardness. Ending an A does not garantee she'll stay in the M. It is her waywardness that is the true enemy. She did not become wayward overnight and she won't come out of it overnight. Just as it took years for her resentment to slowly build and disrespect became apparent, it will take a significant period of time for her to gain respect for her H. Her H has to find forgiveness for her betrayal (and whatever other hurts she caused in her waywardness). The WW has to find forgiveness for her H, related to all those things that caused the resentment in her heart. We are talking, probably, years of things she has pushed down or that cannot be undone. Things that happened in their past. Perhaps it helped shape the kind of MR they had together. Although the H may not feel she has as much to forgive as he does, it is very difficult for her to let go of the past resentments. I am not saying there are no women who can let go and forgive things in the past; I am just saying that it seems that most females struggle letting go of the resentment that has been there in their hearts for so many years. However, if they really want to heal, they can do it.

We had been M a long time when I had an A. There were decades of resentment. Although I had tried to put it behind me, I realize I had not been able to be free of it. It took about two years of praying and earnestly searching my heart for any left-over hardness. I finally was able to find peace. Let me clarify something. I have a certain sadness about some things, b/c I believe our M would have been much happier and we would have been much closer if my H had not been a passive nice-guy type of man. However, after my own actions of waywardness, it certainly brought me down from any snags of self-righteousness I may have hidden from myself. It helped me to accept the fact that both of us has failed each other. It may have been in different ways, but we each hurt one another. I cannot say his sins were worse an mine. His may have had a longer lasting affect on our MR, but mine were more devastating. Nobody can point a finger without at least one pointing back to themselves.

I appeal to all of you who are so heart broken and desperately want to see some sign that the WW really loves you, or is ready to work on the M, or whatever........to remember what I said about the time it takes for her to process her own sh't and find healing, before she can truly be the W you need and want.

I wish I could talk to every single WW who has tried to find happiness outside their M. I wish I could save some heartache for some of you. And, I wish I could speed things up to the happy ever after part of the story.

At times, my words may come across maybe a little strong and not what the LBS wants to hear when they first arrive. Just know I have a special place in my heart for all of you, and pray for your MR.

[otw]

Mahhty
Good thoughts. I am working through those questions you posted from the friend. Some of them I can answer others I need to think hard on.

[mahhhty]

Super productive day, and I got the munchkins back.

Some of you know I got rid of her on all social media's and untagged myself and/or deleted all photos of the two of us. Moments ago I checked FB and they show you the memories of today in the past.

December 16, 2009 at 6:38pm ·
Come home cowboy...your wife misses you♥
Happy EARLY Birthday, can't wait for Friday!

Its not the end of the world. Nothing I can't deal with. But kind'ave a bummer. A little reminder of the fun woman I once knew.

Life goes on.

[PigPen]

I'm with you matty. Went on FB for the first time in a month today and someone had liked all of the old photos of my W and I. Someone I don't even know!

Shut the computer, took five deep breaths, and was back in the game staying present. It's hard my friend. One day at a time, no matter what that day throws at you.

PP

[mahhhty]

1 day at a time. Absolutely right PP.

My birthday was the other day in between posts. I woke up to X-MIL saying Happy Birthday to me on FB (the first person), 50 min later X-FIL texts me saying it as well. All X relatives come across at some point to say it.... However the day ended and XW did not. Interesting but not surprising. I had the kids from Wed to Tonight, and she only called tonight.

I've seen a lot of friends over the last couple days and all conversations (in this area... D, XW, etc), have lead to a moment in which the conversation mimic's the one I posted about a couple days ago.

I was crashing at a friend's last night while on travel. Him and his W are very good friends of mine (their wedding was this past August). They both loved my W, when she was my W. Now they are skeptical and protective. They are well educated individuals and she is a therapist with a specialty for trauma victims and people with mental health disorders.

So our conversations are good ones and tend to challenge me (which I enjoy). We started talking about the process of letting go. Subsequently, discussing my concerns of letting go, and her coming back later.

My friend's W asked me these questions:

- Do you want her to come back?
- How long are you willing to wait?
- Don't you feel as if you are putting your life on hold?
- You said her coming back would be the best thing for the family, but would it be the best thing for you?

I'm still not sure how I would answer these questions (mostly 1 and 4).

This self-righteous support dependent woman I know now, I wish I had never known. This woman who in a year has not discussed sports for the kids, schooling for the kids, or any kind of parenting and has missed two screenings for our kids.... I wish I did not know her. But there was a woman, who is now a memory, who was a great Mom. I'm not sure why... OM, Trauma of S's birth, Kidney Disease, Me... But I know I don't have to know. It's her life. Her path.

BTW.... I'm going to start putting myself out there. It will be difficult and perhaps awkward in the beginning, but I deserve to have fun and deserve to meet new people.

[Ancaire]

Good luck, Mahhhty. I know this will be somewhat weird at first, but you're right. You do deserve to have fun and get chances to meet new people. You're still so young, you've got a lot of experiences yet to gain!

Thanks for stopping by my thread with your support. Your words made a lot of sense, and just reinforced my commitment to my present course. One of these days, I hope to be where you are now. I'm in no rush, because I have so much healing to do - but I'd like to believe I have happiness in my future.

[mahhhty]

Thanks Ancaire.

Keep venting. Keep throwing out these ideas. Keep learning. Keep growing. Hard work always pays off. Always.

Headed to my D's XMas show. Most of X's family will be there (probably). Last night X called and tried to assert which dress D should wear for her show. Seriously, you want to be a parent now, why???? to create appearances that you actually give a [censored]. But you won't discuss sports or activities for the kids. Then this AM, X-MIL even asked what dress D was wearing.

Rant over.... So silly that artificial things are the things she is trying to control. So what did I do. I let my D pick.

Wish me luck.

[Vanilla]

How lovely and which dress did D pick?

The pink one?

The Elsa one?

Or the funny Xmas one?

Adorable

V

[Bob723]

Marty,

I saw your post in my thread. I'm not on a beach but I am doing great. How are you?

Merry Christmas to the best friend in the whole world!

Bob