Unfortunately Coach passed away a couple of years ago. He and Greek were together till the end. She even became a great poster here giving her insights.
And despite what GB insists doesn't work, coach let Greek go. When she was on her own, she realized what she had and came back. The majority of relationships turn around when the LBS lets go.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
if anyone has a link to Coach's threads I would be grateful
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
isittoolate - Sandi posted the link on my thread. It is on page 5.
Mr Bond - Thank you for the info about Coach. I'm sorry to hear that. I truly would have liked to have bought him a beer.
I hear what you are saying and I have tried to commit myself to this path (GAL, Focus on Me, Detach, Drop the Rope) to the best of my ability. I guess I'm just not confident in it being successful. I try to have faith that by moving on our paths will cross again. But she is a passive person, who has no relationship with me whatsoever, who now has someone else, at a job she loves in which she travels to cities all over the world, I know she loves the kids, but she does have an expectation that others (her Mom/Dad or in desperate times Me) will pick up the pieces of her fast pace lifestyle. In my mind the most important piece may be her kidney transplant, subsequently going through this process with the OM. Furthermore, deepening their bond.
Of course, this could all be written off as guessing banter from a LBS.
Mentally, I understand that I don't have to know how the pieces fit together. It is just hard to be fully invested in a path without total confidence. At the end of the day, I do know the system works. And I know it makes me into a better father and person.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Catchup... I had a good weekend. Lots of work renovating the new business space, but I got to kayak at dusk both days as well. Went out with some of my friends who helped demo and some kayaking friends Saturday night. Drank too much, but had a good time. There was a super hot girl at the bar, in which everyone ragged on me to talk to her. I didn't, but I have to start thinking about forming new relationships, and step out of my comfort zone.
I had a great conversation with the munchkins last night on the phone. My D was such a cutie. She kept saying on the phone probably 20+ times... "Daddy you are soooo handsome." Or things of that nature. A few times she would say it and ask X for validation. I spoke over her each time so that I wouldn't hear her response.
The last couple phone conversations, while they are with X have been really good. My kids and I have really solid sustaining conversations. I think that speaks to our new and improved relationships.
I don't engage X at all on the phone and I naturally shy away from any conversations that do engage her. She often interjects to explain something to me, but I take those statements and then follow up with the kids about them.
In the grand scheme of things, this probably doesn't help me build any sort of relationship with her. But I do think it is perfectly natural.
Have a good week all!
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Mahhty I know 100% what you mean about the phone conversations. Sam thing happens here. I don't acknowledge her but talk to kids about what she says. Not sure if it is right or not!
Mr bond. I understand what you are saying but for those of us that have to fake it , it's all we have!! We know we aren't truly detached. I ah r battled with this for my entire time now. Everything I do I still wonder in the back of head of it will produce a result. Hopefully some day we can get there
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I am one of the fakers! Trying to do better, but I also at the same time accept who I am, emotions and all. I am trying to let go. Inching forward. Mahhty, you are awesome! Your daughter is adorable.
I hope this isn't a hijack, but I have a page on my computer with quotes from the posts on here that have helped me the most. It's like a DB highlight reel. Here is the one I have from Greek on Coach:
"What Greek says Coach did to win her back:
I will tell you what Coach did to win me back - after I left our home and filed for D. He stopped doing all the other things that got me to the point of walking out of the door. He stopped trying to arrange my reactions. He stopped trying to control what I would think or do. He stopped telling me how I should feel. He stopped telling me what would happen if... He dropped the rope and said WITH HIS ACTIONS: "Greek, I can see that you are hell bent on leaving for reasons that you have made abundantly clear to me. Some of those reasons have merit and I will deal with them for my own sake. But I can't keep you here and I won't try. The action I will take is to work on areas in my life that have contributed to the difficulties in our R and other R in my life; I will begin to take care of myself in a way I have neglected for some time now (GAL); I will handle protect myself against the legal action you took against our M; I will conduct myself with strength and honor." This was and is totally attractive! It's strong. It's confident. It's respectful - both of me and of Coach.
It's not about 'doing nothing.' It's about doing what works - putting the ACTION in the right place.
Greek
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
It's strange but I fail to see how the Greek/Coach story demonstrates anything in a wayward wife situation. I actually see Greek as a little bit more of the hero in their story.
Greek is unhappy and unsatisfied in her marriage to Coach (he was literally a coach which I'm guessing meant he focused nearly all his emotional energy on the kids on his teams versus his wife so I get it). She told Coach to leave and he said no so she said, fine then, I'm going and she left. She didn't leave for another man or for any midlife crisis reasons she left because she felt neglected and taken for granted by the one man she wanted more from. The worst part was probably that she knew he was capable of doing it (she witnessed all the love he poured into those kids year after year) - when was it going to be her turn.
Coach then committed himself to learning (just like you'd expect a coach to do) and read a bushel of relationship books and committed to working on changing himself and attracting his wife back. This was all his wife wanted....a spouse willing to do the work, learn how to be a better husband and participate in a relationship with her.
This could actually be an example of how Greek let coach go giving him an ultimatum to get out or she was leaving but she wasn't going to put up with this crap anymore and then Coach responded. The beautiful part is that thereafter she posted giving him all the glory for saving their marriage (when she's the one the initiated the whole process).
I wasn't here at DB at the time so I don't know precisely how this went down and reviewing the histories is difficult but I just don't see how this applies to a wayward wife scenario.
Greek left unhappy and out of love with Coach but there wasn't another guy involved so she was available to NOTICE coach's changes and listen to his heartfelt apologies. Her heart and mind weren't elsewhere. She was still emotionally available. To the extent he "let her go" and "dropped the rope" by that point she could already witness a change in him and how he was becoming the man she married years prior and if she didn't come home- she was going to lose him. So she jumped back into that Briar patch post haste.
Conversely, with a wayward wife - if you just drop the rope and "let them go" - they'll just be tickled pink and go. There's no looking back to say "oh no, I'm losing my husband" because they've just spent the last few months rationalizing and justifying how awful you are and NOW --- you just seem content to let them go which just proves you never really cared about them at all.
Wayward husbands look back. Let them go works with wayward husbands. Wayward wives - not so much.
That all being said, after a year or so of trying to put humpty dumpty back together again, GAL'ing, 180'ing and trying to get wife to notice you and change, a betrayed husband can then go to "let them go" and just be done the relationship while still retaining a side plate of hope that maybe they'll be one of the couples that rekindles their marriage years down the road. Essentially you are waiting for the affair to end and it might never end so get on living your own life and your (ex) wife will call you if and when the affair ends. They almost always do and the healthier and happier you are at that time, the more likely they'll regret what they've done and seek reconciliation. Chances are you'll have moved on by then....but maybe not.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
So w is out moving on her own. No proof of OM. Snooping is really not the option at the moment.
What is the play? Still have communication because of kids. No one on one.
Forget it and walk away? She wanted to leave for reasons that I thin everyone here would believe are not deal Breakers but her feelings.
What do you do? I am not patronizing by any means. I am honestly interested. I know you hold a strong stance on finding out if there is a pa and that most times there is some sort of affair.
Thank you in advance.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
