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A Message from Michele
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Ghost I said I would have a look at your sitch and try to reply. You liked my outcome, even though it wasn't the original planned hope back when.
How did I get there? It took a lot of hard work, a lot of great people on this forum and me changing myself.
It was probably about 15 months or so before I really got the whole thing. I cried often for many, many months from BD. I tried so many wrong things and so many right things that just didn't work.
In the end nothing was going to change the W.

So what do you need to do?
Positive, positive and more positive. You cannot change another person. It takes a while to really understand this.
While doing this, you need to get out and GAL. Get your mind of the negative talks and thoughts.
Enjoy time with the kids. That do accept the change. It doesn't mean they like the change, but like us, they end up accepting it.
My two boys were a struggle for me. It always felt like I was in the wrong with the separation. That I was blamed for it all. It wasn't until a few months ago (more than two years after BD) that the ex wife advised she struggled with talking to the boys and one time she felt that it was best for her not to contact them for a while.
Here I was thinking that she was getting all their attention. When in reality, I was having good phone calls weekly, visiting one of them playing indoor soccer every week, the other son rang me asking to help with car repairs etc.
Both boys have been positive over my engagement and soon to be wedding.
It just shows you with think the negative about our kids, but really there is a lot of positives about them.
Work on you Ghost, because at the end of the day, we are with ourselves for the rest of our lives. I want to be with a nice(r) person than what I was. What about you Ghost?


ME:51 W:46
M:25
S:22, S:20
Divorced 16/9/15
BD 10/12
W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12.
Dark since 6/13
I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
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Originally Posted By: Sotto
Ghost - initiating R talks at this stage is never going to go well! You know that!!


I was not trying to initiate a relationship talk I just wanted to try and get some conversation from her

I just need to stfu


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2015
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Hotwheelsaust

Thank you for stopping by

Reading your msg has cheered me up

Thank you

Ghost

There is a future


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 1,435
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Originally Posted By: Ghost56
Thank you pho

I am in house with my W and so long as we are nare t talking about the r lotions hip then we get along ...but what do I talk to her about

Yesterday I asked if we could have a chat about how things are going and it blew us in my face

All I want to do is try and make things better but she stone walls me and says this is as good as it gets

Talking does not help ...I just feel the less we talk the less she will want to do this in house cohabiting
Ghost


Ghost, I did the same thing this weekend, had a "talk" with H and it turns out he believes I have borderline personality disorder and he is working on "recovering from 25 years of emotional abuse from me." Sound familiar? I am feeling like I was punched in the gut, and I know better than to initiate a conversation. I am so upset, mostly with myself because I knew better. I also can see for the first time since BD that maybe, just maybe, I really would be better off without him. Not- ok if he leaves me I will pull through and not let it destroy me- but actually, "this might really be the best thing in the long run." So maybe that is the positive thing that can come out of talking, maybe the awfulness of it all can help with detachment.

Sorry you are suffering Ghost. You are not alone. You are stronger than you think.



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Originally Posted By: Ghost56

Yesterday I asked if we could have a chat about how things are going and it blew us in my face

All I want to do is try and make things better but she stone walls me and says this is as good as it gets

Talking does not help ...I just feel the less we talk the less she will want to do this in house cohabiting


Come on, man. What does that even mean? "How things are going".....How is that anything BUT an R talk?


YOU

CANT

FIX

THIS

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Originally Posted By: Azzork
Originally Posted By: Ghost56

Yesterday I asked if we could have a chat about how things are going and it blew us in my face

All I want to do is try and make things better but she stone walls me and says this is as good as it gets

Talking does not help ...I just feel the less we talk the less she will want to do this in house cohabiting


Come on, man. What does that even mean? "How things are going".....How is that anything BUT an R talk?


YOU

CANT

FIX

THIS


^^^^^^^ What AZ said!

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Ghost. . What do you mean, you wanted to talk about "how things are going?"

-- how things are going in the middle east?
--how things are going on your favourite TV show?

-- how things are going with your kids' grades?

Or
How things are going between the two of you?

Three of those are NOT relationship talks. One of them is. Does that make sense to you?


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

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Oh oh, we've been here before pal and I thought we wouldn't go here again? I know the hurt that is coursing through you right now, we all do, but this isn't going to help.

Azzork has been blunt and to the point. You need to here this from us. Look, we've all got your back (we wouldn't be here if we didn't), but there has got to be some meaningful self help to carry on. Your kids need this, you need this.

Ghost, the only way through this is to work on yourself. It's hard, but it's the only way. We've all had a backslide, but there will come a day, an erasmus moment, when you will see talking and hoping aren't getting you anywhere. Your W has gone off to somewhere, so where's Ghost going to go? I'll say it again, do you want your wife to see a lettuce leaf or do you want her to see a giant oak? It's up to you, but the path you're on now is a dead end.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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Ghost, you still let your fear control your actions. You think trying to have good conversations with her now is going to make her want cohabitation when really it will make her want to sell the house sooner so you get the idea it's over. You see how the fear controlling you is contributing to it happening?

I'm sorry, I know how hard this is but let go of trying to make things more pleasant between you both. Your just delaying the work both of you need to do, the work that might actually contribute to you two comming back together.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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Fogg, if I may leap in, I must say wow. Your statements to Ghost could have been directed at me...

Quote:
you still let your fear control your actions.


I am afraid that I am so guilty of this. I am beginning to see the a lightening of the darkness otherwise known as fear, but it has been such a long and hard journey. I still have a long way to go, but one foot is in front of the other!


There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
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