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A Message from Michele
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Re: V is for Vanilla 24 [Re: Vanilla] #2621775
11/05/15 02:20 AM
11/05/15 02:20 AM
Joined: Mar 2015
Posts: 986
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JellyB Offline
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V, no thanks is necessary....you held me through many moments of my life being a little strange. My rainbow strength was ignited by a flash of light and love from you. It seems only right to send some back your way. I wish I lived closer and could offer more practical support.

Your sitch reminds me of mother's experience with my father. My mother's account would be that it felt like a never ending cycle. I remember the anxiety she had of what would be next. In a constant state of hyperviglence, fight, flight or freeze. I now see my mother's PSTD symptoms that I managed through my late teenage years.

Maybe it is the way of the compulsive, as you know my father was a compulsive gambler like your STBX. How I remember it, was that my father could never lose and everything was a competition and he had to fight till he won. But as you said V, the truth is important. In the end it is what was my father's undoing. My mother had kept clear evidence of everything based on advice from a court appointed family therapist, who had seen us as a family. This included police reports and photos, evidence from my school that my father had been visitng the school grounds while a restraining order was in place against him.


My father was a compulsive liar and his version of the truth and his behaviour (no lawyer would take on his case in the end as he was so difficult to deal with, 4 lawyers in total and ended up representing himself), ultimately provided my mother with the outcome she wanted. Which was to be left alone and never to have contact with him ever again.

V my mother walked away with a roof over her children's head and the contents of the house. That was enough if it meant he was out of our lives.

Your testament of truth will set you free and bring this to an end. The goal will be keeping you healthy in the meantime. RD would be there in a mintue if you needed him. In fact I know most people here would. Please catch up with him in Ireland. Let him be the helping hand we all want to be, and let him give the healing hugs that we all want to provide to lift you up and heal your heart and body.

I guess I write too much, in the hope that I can convey how much I truly care.

I'll be quiet now.

Another candle lighting tonight Lady V


Much love

JellyB XXX


Last edited by JellyB; 11/05/15 02:23 AM.
Re: V is for Vanilla 24 [Re: rd500] #2621777
11/05/15 02:31 AM
11/05/15 02:31 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
V
Vanilla Offline OP
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Vanilla  Offline OP
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Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
Hi vanillia. Just caught up and would really appreciate an update or even a quick post to let us know your ok.

I read your last post and feel your taking to much blame. / responsibility.

I often wonder if I both took on too much and too little. I didn't reinforce my boundaries when WH ranted. I also wish I had recorded more of WH rants.

H was a sneaky , manipulative basta@d You are a caring , decent person.

RD largely that's true, I do have my sad moments when I let myself down and need to adjust and review. WH is empty inside, like Gollum, we should be wary and also be praying for him.

How where you supposed to see his actions for what they were ?????

I could have enforced my boundaries a little more.And I did have my screaming banshee phase too.

You loved the man and having the privilege to getting to know you , maybe you still do.

I love of course, but the love I have is for a dream, for M, for R and for memories.

Let go the blame you are carrying , it's not your burden to carry.

A little of it is, and the financial burden is mine now.

I defend him in eaier days because your posts did not show his true character because at that point you couldn't see them.

I know, I only saw my own faults.


I'm a cynical type who has employed 100"s of people over the years and I gave your H the benefit of the doubt .

I still do.

Your love made you blind and that's ok. Your not blind now so let's move forward. H is done. Please don't let his actions define you.

My actions define me, not his.

I've been privileged to become a friend on line and trust me , H is the big loser here. With you he had a chance to recover and become the man he should be, without you be is going nowhere.

WH will survive that's his type, and RD sad to say he isn't interested in becoming.

Sandi and job were good enough to clarify the rules on my thread and I'm always here , online or in real life if you need someone.

Thank you RD, dearest Internet bruv.

I worry ( like plenty of others ) that you are ok.

I am just tired because of overwork, but it will resolve itself I know this. please don't worry, trust me enough to know that if I need help I will ask for it. I am strong enough to be honest about my feelings.

I ask again for an update

How's Vanillia ..... Really ?

Suffering from PTSD

How's glam sis ????

Still unwell and off sick from work. She is healing too and has been told to lose weight and get well.

How often do you see ghost of black cat ???

Mainly when I am tired or after a glass of vino! I jest of course, but about once every month. She is gradually passing over as her visits are less and less.

It must be heart warming to now she's still around

RD it is wonderful to know she is still around the house, it comforts me.

I hope all is well and you are taking time for you.

I am working too hard but I am coping.

Huge hugs and take care Sis Rd. xxxx


Last edited by Vanilla; 11/05/15 02:37 AM.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: V is for Vanilla 24 [Re: JulieH] #2621781
11/05/15 03:05 AM
11/05/15 03:05 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
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Vanilla Offline OP
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Vanilla  Offline OP
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Posts: 8,855
UK
Vanilla

I hope you are getting the support you provide so selflessly to others.

I am loved and supported.


I do not have your wisdom to impart, but I am deeply concerned about the physical toll this has taken on you.

A year ago I knew very little of this stuff and certainly didn't understand it..

As I mentioned, I was in a very controlling and abusive (occasionally physical) relationship close to 20 years ago.

You did and it's troubling even historically. WH didn't ever hit me but he pushed me around and flat fist punched me. He manhandled me , threatened and intimidated me..

The nightmares still occur although they are very infrequent.

Are they flashback dreams, vivid dreams? Real? Mine are so real I wake feeling it's actually happening.

For me, the hardest part was understanding why on earth I allowed someone to treat me that way. Allowing someone to treat me that way went against my own intellect and feminist views and I was mad at myself for allowing it to go on for so long and for being that "weak" and naive person.

I wished I understood the importance of strong boundaries. It would have made a difference.

I don't know if perhaps you feel similar?

Yes I do.

Do you ever look at it the way I just described...not intellectually, but deep down?

I feel very deeply and then next time I am numb, it makes little sense, other than in the context of PTSD and I never want to see WH again.

If so, have you forgiven yourself for that lapse of internal strength?

No, I haven't, although I will get nearer resolution and acceptance. I need to D.

Also, Do you look and think of your body with love and kindness? (For example, instead of referring to an injured leg as the "bad" leg you refer to it as the right leg. )

No, I see a very fat, balding ugly person. Sometimes I see my face and it isn't me. I dissociate. mainly my body carries my mind around. The things I like about me is that I haven't fine mind, although I seem like I am tackling things, some stuff gets parked.

I just hope that you are able use the advise you give to others on your own wonderful self.

Julie, I do now, it's taken a lot of effort to understand things and recognise them, in some ways I have to be careful now that I am not too blunt or direct with others.


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: V is for Vanilla 24 [Re: Vanilla] #2621818
11/05/15 08:39 AM
11/05/15 08:39 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
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Vanilla Offline OP
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Vanilla  Offline OP
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V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
Anc, I posted my thanks on your thread.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: V is for Vanilla 24 [Re: Vanilla] #2621884
11/05/15 03:36 PM
11/05/15 03:36 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,004
Colorado/USA
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Pink17 Offline
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Lovely V,

I read your words and I can just remember the time fear was the only feeling I had in my heart growing up with my father.

I prayed for his death many times when I was a kid. He did not die but instead I had to learn the hard way to be a strong person.

For every bad stuff that happen in our lives, there is a good thing that will develop inside us. Maybe because I am a believer of God, I see that our trials are just steps to grow our spirit and learn deeply about ourselves.

The whole torture you went through will be better used if you start facing it as a learning process, a PHD degree in Life University.

It's not any kind of advice V, it is just what I learned living different situations. The best thing when turmoil is upon us, is to stop for a few minutes and see what is the positive in all of this.

I know it is hard, but there are small treasures in life that means more then any big ones. You have the power to turn things around, if it hurts is because you are feeling and learning. At some point you will look at yourself and say "Yes, I am V, with good and bad, but I am V and to hell everything and everyone that don't like it, there are plenty that like and I choose to respect and live my life in my own meanings".

Maybe it is just a gray zone right now, resolving so many issues that can't be put aside, but your time will came and peace will be inside of you.

My father did traumatize my mom and sisters and brother and myself, but I do no wish to have his same end. Alone, sick, and living with a big wound inside his heart trying to catch up with life and love. He died with nothing, knowing that he lost a lot and wanting it all.

My mom by other hand, had a rough very bad two years after finally declaring her independency, she had psychiatric help after I insist so much she needed to "clean the house" as I said. She faced her own demons and got to meet a very pleasant lady, with a heart bigger then herself.

She does not want anyone in her life, I know she will love my father to her grave, but she is in peace with herself and has a big desire to live, love, feel gorgeous, be a girl, help others, laugh and dance.

Life is hard now, but remember that time won't stop and it will be better tomorrow. You decide when you are ready to let go on all this hell. You are V, just V, and that alone is enough reason to be happy.

I know there are gaps, weight to lose, house to clean, work to do, but there is V too, and the best of it is that no one will ever tell you what to do or push you around anymore.

You got it girl, have a bad day, cry, scream, cry a little more and then emerge from the ashes and be the woman only fools would not want around.

We love you V, we are here for you. You deserve better and we can say this until our fingers fall off, but it is only you that will decide when enough is enough and face it heads up, just being V.

Love, hugs, big love, big hugs, a good British cup of tea and more love, more hugs... are you feeling better, did I get a smile by now? If not, a tiny piece of cheese... and here we go, I bet I got a smile. Now, look at yourself, set your goals, navigate the stormy ocean and be proud that you will emerge strong in the other side.

Your friend,
Pink


Pink17
S22,19 and 16
D:8/5/2015



Re: V is for Vanilla 24 [Re: Vanilla] #2621892
11/05/15 04:25 PM
11/05/15 04:25 PM
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JulieH Offline
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V

I refer to that abusive relationship as me being conned and him being a con artist. It was Just a heist. I Always wondered why I was susebtible to that type of treatment, but I never looked into it, just moved on. Reflecting back I think me and perhaps you too had a lot of love to offer and wanted to believe the best in someone. We had trust in them because we were trustworthy ourselves. We believed in them more then In ourselves and I think it's because we just loved and didn't understand how others could be cruel. I dont know why we allowed someone to treat us that way, but I wish I had more to offer you. I have read, and I am sure you did too, that abusers use similar tactics that cult leaders do in order to maintain control (mine did something so awful to maintain control but I will share another time). i know you know already that this is their shame, not yours nor mine. But sometimes it helps to remind ourselves. Also, its easy to be mad at ourselves for that lapse of judgment. We knew better. We are smart, educated, etc. But that type of control plays on more then that. So i know its easy to say, but forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. Hopefully we will learn from them.

I work to help people recover from injuries and physical impairments. I am so surprised by how different people heal and recover function, despite the extent of the injury. Whenever someone says something like "oh this stupid arm" I try to redirect them. Vanilla, I think if you start speaking and looking upon your body with kindness it will respond in like. You are more then just a cerebral being. You are a whole.


Me: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
Physically Separated 7/2015
Re: V is for Vanilla 24 [Re: JulieH] #2621906
11/05/15 05:33 PM
11/05/15 05:33 PM
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Posts: 986
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JellyB Offline
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Pink and JulieH ....LOVE in action. Amazing posts!!!

Thinking Rainbow Love for you today V...


JellyB XXX

Re: V is for Vanilla 24 [Re: JellyB] #2621911
11/05/15 05:50 PM
11/05/15 05:50 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 589
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mustardseed Offline
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Originally Posted By: JellyB
Pink and JulieH ....LOVE in action. Amazing posts!!!

Thinking Rainbow Love for you today V...


JellyB XXX


I agree! 1000 times over.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Re: V is for Vanilla 24 [Re: mustardseed] #2622247
11/07/15 01:09 AM
11/07/15 01:09 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,106
Merrie England
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Old Dog Offline
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Merrie England
V, if I were to say to you E386 this weekend. I'm sure you know what I mean. Up to you.

OD xx


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
Re: V is for Vanilla 24 [Re: Old Dog] #2622292
11/07/15 01:01 PM
11/07/15 01:01 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
UK
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Vanilla Offline OP
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OD

I am going to sort it, when some invoices get paid this week we can consider.

Sadly my first debt collection this week, the rent bounced but I scraped enough to pay it. Struggling to pay the L too. Staff still unpaid, no chequers or transfers from clients yesterday. Fins are so tight I am eating from the freezer and have the heating off.

I will not give in.

I will post later today. I am working today.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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