WAS or what (3)

[roist]

In celebration of my anniversaries a new thread seems fitting.

10 years ago tonight I made a romantic proposal which lead to our wedding one year and a day later.

And in a few days will be my one year anniversary of trying TRYING
and more trying to save my M. Longest and worst year of my life. And to be honest I may only have managed to prevent further deterioration as I find it hard to see us being any better.

During this time I have realised what is important to me. I have started to improve me. I have a better R with my boys. I am more sociable. I am no longer depressed but still stressed. When this situation runs its course I will be better. In the meantime my pain and stress is a choice. I do not choose stress and pain and do wh I can to get passed that. But I choose to keep trying and pay the price that entails. I believe we could be happy together as a family and as a couple.Whether we will or not is to be seen.

I have no expectations for tomorrow so I won't be disappointed.Soon I may not wish to acknowledge our anniversary so whilst I do. Happy anniversaryW

[Zephyr]

No expectations is great roiste!

Enjoy your day tomorrow no matter what happens with wife. Celebrate the happiness you have shared, celebrate the day, celebrate you!!! Honestly it is worth it, because you are worth it!

[roist]

Got what I expected......no mention of anniversary.Interactions weren'tgreat but OK. . I just spent the morning mostly with boys.Then they all brought me to airport.

I was going to hand pressie to her, as before I would often leave it as surprise. Anyway didn't seem to be a good moment so left it for her to find later today.

I had the impression she wanted to say something more but in the end no. We used to wish each other happy anniversary every month for the date we started seeing each other.

It is what it is.It is a pity.

Onwards to a great trip home alone.Have an old friend from college on same flight. So onwards and upwards

[Zephyr]

Enjoy your trip. It will be great to just let go of things for a while!

[roist]

Just lost another long post,........aghh.

I'll retype it later maybe. . But in essence, this week is a real gift of time. A weekfor ME . No W and no kids. I am going to make it count and enjoy it. It should recharge my batteries too.

W sent happy anniversary text! She also looked up 9th anniversary on internet. (Not snooping but my phone is linked to house internet and last few searches show up). Glad about these. Yes it gives me hope but fromthis site I know to be wary of it being appeasing crumbs.

Got to go. ME stuff to do.

[roist]

Yesterday Caliguy wrote on another thread about something that helped him become version 2.0. I am going to give it a try. Wanted to record it here before I forget it.

Basically you write three lists:
1) five things you like about yourself
2) five things you don't like about yourself
3) five things are attractive in a man/five things in an idealyou. Not sure exactly how it was phrased.

Then you put together goals and plans to work to replace something from the second list with something from the third list.

[dday]

It sounds like a very good exercise. I may need to try it too.
Keep up the good work, and enjoy your week!

[roist]

I had hoped being away would improve my sleeping.Whereas it has taken away a stress of respecting an unspoken no mans land in bed, sleep has not been as good as I hoped. But that one stress removed does make a difference.

I am not overdwelling on my situation but I am during my downtime trying to figure out how to change the dynamics of my situation. After a year maybe I need to do something really different.

Is it stronger to put up with it and let it play out or to grab the M by the scruff of the neck and give it a good shaking.

I was of the opinion that I continue to work on me. The more I look at me the more I see I have loads I can improve.This is not improvements to meet what I think W expects , but to really become someone I am happy to be. roiste 2.0 or an ideal me.

But being in a half marriage does feel like a weight dragging me back or at least slowing me down. Why? Because it restricts actions.If either of us said wants out, then no need to continue making face. This is not just to others but to us too. I guess I am saying that an either in or an out position would be truer than actuel situation. Inappropriate friend would not be an issue. If she was in, he would have to go. If out, it would not be my ognions. So in meantime I do nothing except monitor crossing of lines. (If they have met alone during my trip, what is best way to state inappropriatness?)

Also our current situation limits GAL to a certain extent. I currently go out and do more stuff than her. Her evenings are mostly on couch. I don't know if current situation is crumb eating or our M holding on by a string.I want to be sure before breaking that string. But I have loads of stuff I will do if we split and I have every second week for me. Ironically if my M fails I may even want to invest in helping other marriages. Maybe become a DB coach in Europe!Volunteer work etc. I want to help people, but with a young family and business time requirements it is not possible.

Maybe soon I will have to decide to be the one to end this limbo. In the meantime I have enough to work on in me. Plus I want to be ready for the practical aspects. But as a good friend reminds me. That does not have to be decided today.

I have no idea how I will manage if we split but I know: will. I am not afraid of it nor of my W. Is this strength or just acceptance idk. But Roiste 2.0 is in the making and in 2016 he will be ready.

[Zephyr]

Roiste, can I ask a question?

You have said that your current situation is restricting your actions and limiting your ability to get a life.

Would you expound on that...I am not sure if I understand...is it that YOU are hesitant to go out or is there something specifically That is limiting you.

I will be honest. I didn't buy into the gal activities thing right away. I rejected invites and held back 'for the sake if my family' or whatever bs I told myself. Getting out for you is THE most important part. Over the years I prior to db I became and introvert almost...think about how unexciting that must be for a woman to see every day.

I cannot think of a single reason why I can't do what I want to have a good time now. Maybe when the kids were babies / toddlers I had valid excuse...but that is what it became, an excuse. My happiness paid the price.

Just this week I read through foreveryoungs's many threads. I see a ton of parallels with your sitch. It is worth a read for sure!

Also, I try to go back and read just about everything wonka and 25yearmlc has ever posted. There is so much insight on what women are going through like your wife and mine, it is really eye opening. It has given me a new perspective on the woman's point of view and honestly (even with the other noise over the last few weeks) given me more and more fuel for compassion.

Ultimately you are going to have to let go and let W do her thing, you can't stand still and watch it, she will find you when she is ready.

Have you made your roiste 2.0 list yet?

[roist]

Regardless of procrastinating issues I am eliminating/reducing being in a half marriage as you once described it means still being a H and family man every week. Separated people in general have one week out of two without that responsabilty in house. That is mainly what I meant.

Also I want to spend as much time with my sons as possible and even more so if there is a chance that that could be reduced later. They are relatively young and this is important for me and for them.

I have grasped the importance of GAL and I am shedding the false excuses and finding ways to do what GAL I need to do.

I will check out foreveryoung. Thanks for tip.

I have been too busy doing stuff and meeting people to do my list. But it is a key part of my plan going forward.

Here is a quick outline of how I think I will proceed:

# I will look for permanent job. Regardless this will be helpful but my main motivation is that I can be in a position to provide security for me and boys. Should also reduce workload and stress. All good. I willalso promote my business to be best possible in the meantime.
# roiste 2.0 action plan and goal. Will be in place by the end of the month.
# GAL.I am working towards really getting a life and not just distracting myself.
# inappropriate friend. This is my sticking point. Recently I read an article that Michelle wrote to give to S in EA. I have already put up a no R boundary . Without being too controlling maybe this needs to be a NC boundary. I am at the stage where I don't fear the consequences of a stronger stance here. In fact subconsciously all other actions may be to prepare this. Maybe this will need to be addressed before I can sort out the rest. That will depend on what happens there.
# I am reading a PMA book that is potentially helpful. Others have not spok n to me really.
# my brother, a close woman friend, my IC and the guy who's program I bought before coming here have all suggested that I should talk to W. As my brother points out not talking does not seem to have helped me for the last year. This is not part of my plan but worth noting.

Idk but I may be heading towards the same hill you are on.