Black and white

[Zues126]

PS- Maybell, it's been a long time! I didn't mean to leave you hanging, I just dropped the ball on replying. I tracked you down, I look forward to catching up on your sitch.

Sunny, looks like you're heading that way too soon.

Well gang, it's been a heck of a ride. I'll probably see you on the flip side shortly, but if I get lost in the shuffle thank you all for making it memorable!

[JellyB]

Hey lovely Zues.... Thanks for popping by my thread....I'm unlikely to disappear completely as long as there are a few souls here I connect too ...you my friend are one....hugs to you dear Zues...xxx

[Ancaire]

Zeus, I share your unhappiness with the demise of marriages. It's so easy now to change your mind and just walk away, that it makes me wonder why we even bother. Should we just use better and richer in our vows, understanding that the "for worse" part is a deal breaker?

I'm so sick and tired of hearing "you need to be happy". Well, yes, but people need to find happiness inside, not go looking for it elsewhere. The kids, no matter what age, pay a huge price when a marriage breaks down. I believe M is a sacred union. If I make a vow to God, I'm going to make sure He's okay with me breaking that vow. Even after all I've been through, I've not gotten an okay to give up. I understand my role for now is prayer and support.

D is rampant. Chasing happiness is widely accepted and celebrated as a reason for destroying a family. Affairs are common and overlooked/excused by most everyone. We're headed for big trouble as a society...or maybe we're already there. I don't know if I will ever trust again. It seems like I'd be an idiot to do so.

Regarding personal growth, you may be reading too much into a popular catch-phrase. Most of us have areas we need to improve. Doing work on those areas and making improvements is personal growth. What is it that bugs you? Do you hear people talking about it, but not really working on it?

The goal of Christianity should be one of selfLESSness. Doing what is best for others, thus making yourself happy. I believe most of us don't really get the concept. Finding joy in sacrifice? Putting your spouse and kids first?

Wait! What about ME? ME, ME, ME!!! We're a bunch of perpetual teenagers. How very sad.

I've ranted for today...feel a little better. Thanks, Zeus!

[gr8ful3]

There was this wonderful quote that I read from Ralph Waldo Emerson that I think sums it up beautifully

The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate , to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.

I posted this on my FB page and I had a few people say, but what about happiness! Of course, we all want to be happy, but that is not our life PURPOSE.

Hugs

Gr8ful

[SunnyB]

Sunny, looks like you're heading that way too soon!

I had a financial meeting this morning and depending on how the group meeting goes next week, we could have things wrapped up and an agreement ready to be signed in a few weeks. We would likely delay in the actual filing until January for tax reasons. I'm more than a year and a half into this, it's not too soon.

[Zues126]

I've noticed a common theme today in all my walks of life. Marriage. Sales. Management.

When I was a manager I was concerned about being the a-hole boss. In various degrees the first 2-3 years I was too concerned. I found that it didn't work. If I was afraid of conflict. If I was afraid of being perceived as a 'bad boss'. If I was afraid of making tough decisions that would result in people saying bad things about me in the break room. If I was afraid that an employee wouldn't feel I was treating them fairly when I had to admonish disciplinary action. If any of those things- they would take advantage. They would bully me around and I would be enabling them. Similarly, the more I showed I cared about how they felt, the more I tried to ensure they had a voice in the work place, the more I wanted to provide a good environment- the more entitled, demanding, and dissatisfied they became. Finally I said F it and just ran the ship the way I believed best. I heard them out. I listened to their voices. I still cared. But I took my role as leader. They had voices, but I had the deciding voice, and if they didn't like it they could work somewhere else. Guess when the culture and morale on my team peaked out?

Similarly in my marriage. I am so powerful sometimes with who I am and how I live, I was terrified of running STBX over, and as a result I was far too timid. Sandi says all wives test their husbands. I failed the test. I was so afraid of being the abusive, controlling, insensitive husband, that instead I became the nice guy, and let her lead in many ways so she couldn't say I ran her over. The result- she probably felt I was weak and lost respect for me. And of course she's more convinced than ever that I was the abusive husband.

Well, I've learned that lesson once again in my new role (I started a year ago but it's such a tough gig I'm only now starting to leave my 'new' qualifier behind). I work in B2B sales, and it's brutal. Ethics in business is very important to me, and I've been working very hard to do things the right way when others in the industry don't. Yet no matter how hard I try, customers continue to play the victim card. They act like I overcharged. Or I didn't deliver as much value as they expected. Or I should be waiting on them hand and foot. Or they get pissy and harass me about their billing. Or they want to cancel non-cancellable contracts. And the whole time they have this attitude like I am the big bad corporation taking advantage of the small independent business owners that are building America. And you know what? I finally realized this week it is total BS. I am absolutely killing myself to be fair, high integrity, to go above and beyond in delivering, making great personal sacrifices to leave my title at the door and do what I can to help them on their journey...and it's never enough. The fact is that the majority of small business owners fail and when they struggle they start lashing out at anyone that is charging them for a service. I've had a few major meltdowns in the last month and I beat myself up and beat myself up and kept trying to figure out what more I can do, and I'm finally realizing- nothing! I did it right, I would do it the same again, and some people are just going to have problems.

I am so fed up. I made up my mind I just don't care anymore. Now- I will still be true to myself. I will act with integrity, provide value, and deliver what I say. But I won't do that with the expectation they will be appreciative, that they will refer me business, or even that they will be fair. Frankly I am going into every business arrangement optimistic and with the hope that we develop a great working partnership...but also with my eyes open to the possibility we will end up in court. I will no longer be afraid of that, and I won't even feel bad about it. I am operating the way I am not so they will reciprocate, but because I believe it's the right thing to do. And if I do end up in court I will no longer blame myself because I know how much care I bring.

I'm sure there are balances, it's not black and white...but for me, I was so far on the super sensitive side this is the direction I must go. It's been a hell of a 3 months, the last 6 weeks were hell, and the last 2 weeks have been beyond hell. I've had some stuff melt down to a degree that I haven't seen before in my career. Bad fallouts. Big losses. Reputational damage. Loss of income for me. And a big loss for the business owner. And you know what? I'm coming out the other side saying 'ok then, if this is the deep end of the pool and y'all want to play tough, then I guess the gloves are coming off and I'm going to knock some people out, because there's only one possible outcome, that is me getting it done, so if you want it rough, it will be rough.' Again, for those that want to play nice I'll play nice, but I'm not afraid of using the strength God gave me. I'm going to get to the top the right way, and no punk that wants to play victim is going to stop me from setting some records.

I haven't posted for a while but wanted to share this for Julie H and all the other LBS's that are concerned about their WAS. You know what? Hell with them. Do what you need to do for YOU. Detach. GAL. 180. Absolutely. But walking on eggshells because you are afraid of conflict or because you are measuring your personal growth with their reactions? BS. You know what you did. You know who you are. You know what you need to work on. Detachment means you are free to do that without second guessing yourself. By all means reflect, be considerate, and strive to grow. But YOU measure that. End of story.

[JulieH]

Thank you!

[isittoolate]

I haven't posted for a while but wanted to share this for Julie H and all the other LBS's that are concerned about their WAS. You know what? Hell with them. Do what you need to do for YOU. Detach. GAL. 180. Absolutely. But walking on eggshells because you are afraid of conflict or because you are measuring your personal growth with their reactions? BS. You know what you did. You know who you are. You know what you need to work on. Detachment means you are free to do that without second guessing yourself. By all means reflect, be considerate, and strive to grow. But YOU measure that. End of story.

I needed to hear these wise wise words, Thanks a lot! Zeus

[SunnyB]

Zues, I'm sorry the last few weeks have been so hard. I know you'll be OK, you know you'll be OK, but I wish it wasn't so difficult for you right now. I can hear the pain and frustration and I can't really do anything to help you because we speak in code and nuances. But I'm sending good vibes your way, do you feel it?

[Zues126]

Thanks for dropping by and for the ray of Florida sunshine! It's getting cold up here in MN and it's nice to know there are still alligators by the pond elsewhere.

I have realized that much of my exhaustion comes from the boulder I am carrying. The same that many of you are as well. It is the boulder of pain, fear, and anger. It has been so long. So long that I sometimes don't realize I am carrying it, because it just seems like this is the way life is. And to be fair I have battled some demons all of my life. Despair has always been something I've had to fend off. I vividly remember things being dark as a child, and dark during my marriage. I remind myself of this because I don't think the divorce is necessarily at the center, but rather the current weapon this demon has chosen to attack with. The result is that day after day I am exhausted, and I realize now that much of my energy is just in fighting this battle in the background at all times. Like a computer that runs slow because of a virus scan. I am perpetually tired. Barely able to keep up with life's demands. Instead of bubbling with creative energy and making miracles happen in my world, I am staggering around and trying to keep from collapsing. And it's been an awfully long time since I've felt free of this. I've even thought about medicating just to get a break, but it just doesn't appeal to me. I know the way out of this has to be through good decisions, and even if my lot in life is to suffer for some reason, at least I'll be able to sleep at night knowing I walked the path as best I could.

This ties into my prior post. I realize that part of my problem is which customers I am working with. In any business there is a bell curve of problem customers and customers that will be a pleasure to work with. The funny thing is the customers that are the worst to work with are the hardest to do business with. They have the fewest needs, the smallest budget, and in general are less professional and cause more drama. Bigger corporations have deeper needs, professionals designated to work with their business partners, and the profitability is quite a bit higher. So really the answer to my work problems is pretty clear- put more energy into developing relationships that will allow me to spend more time with the right customers. This will increase my job satisfaction and income substantially.

The hard part is making that happen. It takes a lot of energy, and it involves getting way out of your comfort zone. Discipline, thick skin, and persistence. The catch 22 is that you need to do this the most when you don't feel like doing it at all. If I had the business humming along great and I was on cloud 9 I would be more positive and it wouldn't be so hard to keep the machine running. But when you're broken and on your back and don't feel like getting out of bed it's hard to throw yourself into a scary situation and take on tough battles. Particularly when you don't HAVE to. What I mean is that I'm still doing "ok", meeting my goals, paying my bills. So there is nothing forcing me to do this other than not wanting to accept mediocrity, and knowing that this is who I am, what I am here to do, and that it will bring financial and personal rewards that I want to achieve. I see what needs to be done. It is hard. I don't want to have to do it right now. But you have to make the fire before you get the smoke. Feelings aside, I know I need to take this on.

So the question is how can I overcome this? Well, clearly it's just a matter of taking action. I get this. So when I tell you what I'm about to tell you, don't think I'm looking for a shortcut. It's really not. It's actually me trying to figure out what resources I need to involve to accomplish my targets.

Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with my hypnotist. I say 'mine', I met with her once before about 5 years ago for help with my pool game. Let me immediately dispel the myth of what I'm trying to accomplish. A hypnotist doesn't really DO anything. It's not like I'm being programmed to be a pool playing machine, or a sales machine. For those who haven't done this, consider it a very powerful guided meditation. She is going to hypnotize me and make a recording that I can listen to each morning. Maybe 20 minutes long. The content will be about gradually opening up the closet door and seeing the pain, the fear, the anger, really experiencing all of it...then choosing to let it go for the day, and see what's left in it's place. Then thinking about my goals. What I am trying to accomplish. Seeing it crystal clear. Thinking about the steps I will need to take to accomplish them. Then recognizing the doubts and fears that I will be faced with along the way. Finally picturing myself choosing to accept those fears and release those fears. Picturing myself doing this, and taking the actions I need to take. Then feeling the success that comes, both financial and personal, but mostly the unencumbered feeling that comes from letting this go and taking control over this part of my life. Finally there will be something in there about ramping up my energy levels. Feeling the excitement and passion that is there when the fears are gone. And letting that build so that it overpowers any negative emotions in my way, and that gets me tingling, ready to spring out of bet, and let loose that energy to make each day impactful.

At least this is my rough outline. I'll let her give me feedback.

The point is that right now I live in fear alot, am quite tired, and have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. My hope is that instead of having to jump right into the shower and start reacting to my day- by listening to this each morning I will be able to have a few minutes under my covers, but dealing with the things that I'm fighting with, and building up my momentum, so that when the recording is over I feel present, unburdened, and ready to start making great things happen.

I have used a recording for my pool playing in the past. It was very powerful because it allowed me some very good checkpoints where I could regroup and get refocused and refreshed in between a lot of high pressure and fatiguing matches. I am optimistic that this can be an aide in helping me fight my fights. Again, ultimately I have to do what I have to do. It will be all me doing it. As I said, this is just a little help to get started on the path, like a workout partner helps get that first step of showing up to the gym accomplished.

Anyway that appointment is tomorrow. I'll let you know how the week goes.

I know, I know, if I have time left in the recording I'll make sure she hypnotizes me so that every time a telephone rings I think I'm an alligator...