I have finally, finally stopped monitoring his presence on social media. I would always work myself into a frenzy when I saw that he was online, because it would remind me of OW's existence. And I kept our text exchanges so that I could read and reread them. I kept picking at my wounds and refusing to let them heal.
Since the divorce, I have stopped obsessing over whether he's with the OW, physically, or communicating through texts. I no longer have any right to expect him not to, and no longer have any reason to subject myself to this torture. Which is why I really admire forummers who can do the light and breezy thing with their WWS.
I expect that I will still move through the various stages of grief, but I know that I can still feel the pain and not be consumed by it.
I am going dimmer. And it seems that XH is going dimmer too.
Last edited by Grlonfr; 10/13/1501:03 PM.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I would imagine that the typical arc of this kind of story is that the spouse and the angry spouse remain together. The spouse continues to increase the emotional distance as the angry spouse continues either more outbursts or continues to foster an undercurrent that reminds the spouse he might go off at any time, who knows if that will be 10 mins or 10 years?
Since the psychs have found that intermittent, random reinforcement is the most powerful form of reinforcement, things are really tough.
The longer time goes on with less and less closeness, the more difficult to get back to where they need to be. Having been through it I know that it is extraordinarily difficult. Not impossible, of course. But difficult and complicated so that I would imagine most couple can't get there without help. I agree that D isn't the answer, certainly not the best answer, but having dealt now with someone who won't let me in and won't change her attitude and behavior towards me, I think I understand a little of the frustration the non-angry spouse feels with an angry one.
Also, and I only remembered this recently, I had a R with someone a few years before I was married, and she was the angry one. Not quite as spectacularly as I became years later, and I never lost my temper with her...but having thought about this I remember throwing a switch inside my head after a few of these outbursts. There were other problems too, to be sure, but I finally thought "screw this, life's too short".
Of course, being bigger and stronger and a fairly dominant kind of guy, I wasn't really afraid (though I started wondering if she was unbalanced and I might wake up missing some valuable appendages one day).
The problem in my sitch is that given my W's other issues, once she finally closed the door on me emotionally years ago she's not been willing to really open it back up again. While there have been no outbursts, there has been steady tension between us over it. After a while the 'formerly angry spouse' (me) ends up feeling emotionally abandoned by my W as well as incredible guilt and sadness over the damage done. I don't think the damage is irreparable, but I can only do so much without my W opening the door.
I worked really hard at showing her that it was ok to open the door but she never has. At this point, that's really all I can do. I don't agree with her decision to divorce so I'm doing the LRT and hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
If my W came to me and said she sees the progress and she's willing to do the work to open up and also to address her issues and behaviors, it would still be a long, hard road back to each other but it's an opportunity I'd dearly love to have.
Sorry to see that your wife seems to be pretty set in her path. I can see that you are really dealing well with your sitch in a very calm and reassuring manner. At the end of the day, no matter what the outcome is, I am sure that you will come out of this a better person.
When I was in my mini MLC mode a few years ago, XH did make some attempts to reach out to me. But by that time, I was in quite a deep funk, and one leg into the "too little too late" mode. I could see his efforts, but I just couldn't feel them. This is probably what your wife is experiencing now.
If she ever snaps out of it, like I did, I can guarantee you that she will feel excruciating pain and remorse.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Thanks guys. This stopped being specific long ago.
Grl, in my mind you are a LBS. For all the reasons you said. I wasn't challenging you, only the reactions that I interpreted were advice that saying your H was unworthy to be in a marriage with you.
Tlr, I love your last post.
To all, I am not suggesting that anger isn't damaging or a problem. Only that divorce, too, is damaging and a problem. One that should be considered an act of destruction falling short only of murder. Something that should be read about in newspapers, not seen recurring in our lives. Something that should be considered a monstrosity, not a solution to an unresolved domestic challenge.
I read these exchanges to my best friend last night and he literally snorted when I read this. He agreed 100%. Said that he's had his eruptions and tirades where his W was probably very uncomfortable and a bit freaked, but that she knew he would never hurt her, and that she was easier on him than he was himself. Since then he's worked really hard on it, it was probably a few times in ten years. I don't think he's had any repeats in the last 2-3 years, and he's still working on it. But he agreed that this was pretty normal. Not ok. But normal.
I find it odd that 2/2 of the people I read these threads to agree with me, vs. 0 on the boards. Either I pick friends that are afraid of me, don't want to rock the boat, or are bad people, or the people that read the forums are just a different breed. Personally I think that the problem is that the word 'abuse' is such a trigger these days that once a woman uses it anyone that questions her is even worse than the abuser. Everyone is scared to say something about how this is getting carried away because then they'll be the next person lynched! Either way, I appreciate you guys hearing me out.
I think all of you are exceptional people, doing your best in a horrible sitch. Tlr, I hope someday your W both realizes you're a rare man, and that you deserve better every bit as much as she did. Grl, I hope you keep finding detachment and peace. Take care gang.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, man, there are few roadmaps in life that show all the details. We all just have to do our best and always strive to do better. No harm, no foul, no judgement here as far as I'm concerned.
Zues, I agree wholeheartedly regarding the "abuse" excuse. It's very similar to just tossing around the "racist" label. Your are presumed as guilty and have no way of defending yourself.
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
After a while the 'formerly angry spouse' (me) ends up feeling emotionally abandoned by my W as well as incredible guilt and sadness over the damage done. I don't think the damage is irreparable, but I can only do so much without my W opening the door.
I worked really hard at showing her that it was ok to open the door but she never has. At this point, that's really all I can do. I don't agree with her decision to divorce so I'm doing the LRT and hoping for the best but preparing for the worst.
If my W came to me and said she sees the progress and she's willing to do the work to open up and also to address her issues and behaviors, it would still be a long, hard road back to each other but it's an opportunity I'd dearly love to have.
I hope you will be able to get this opportunity to work with your wife again. I am sure she notices the progress but perhaps, she doesn't feel them yet or want to feel them yet.
If the XH had been able to show your level of awareness, and if I had the right tools to work with in the M, I guess we would never have reached this stage.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I realised that I have got very used to the new lifestyle. Feels not bad being a swinging single again, though this time round, a swinging single with a cute as button kiddo.
I haven't had so much time for myself in years, which was perhaps why I went into a mini-MLC a few years ago. I was just too busy working, taking care of kiddo, and taking care of the house. I was too busy to take care of myself and the marriage. Lesson learnt.
Perhaps once I buy a house and get a permanent place to stay, I will feel even more settled. Small steps at a time, but I am walking forward to where I want to be.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I have managed to go through some of your old threads, Zues. And yes, I was always tempted to type your name as Zeus.
Thanks for your input, they are thought provoking and they offer an insight of how XH might feel about things. I would say that both of you do have some similar views.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
My new motto is, No more crying over spilled marriage.
I think I'm at a point where I am willing to reconcile if she initiates it and demonstrates a willingness to do the work. I'm also continuing down my road as well, and will continue to.
Talked with my IC today. He's DB friendly and is also good with where I'm at.
Holidays will be the first real test of my mettle I think!
