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One more thing I thought of.

Most folks should realize that they should expect the worst while hoping for the best.

Make a plan (with a lawyer for the legal stuff) for you without your WAS as part of the picture. Think through any major decisions ahead of time, what will trigger what action on your part, etc. Make your decisions when you're not emotionally overwhelmed.

Then when the heat of the moment and your emotions come up later, stick to the plan. This will help with managing a rash response... you made the choice with a calmer head.

This is how I stayed ahead of the turmoil and ended up managing a high-conflict personality.


Me: 45 W43
S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce)
D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
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Thanks, Sherman, for the great advice. I plan to follow it to the letter. I really do need to figure out my plans, and stick to them rather than reacting to an emotional moment.

I'm going to go back through my threads and document some things, too. Since I post here so often, I've got a good record of dates and occurrences.

Vanilla, Since we set the emergency hearing, my lawyer sent over an offer from H's attorney - basically stop the hearing, and H will comply. I'm not sure what to do. Every time something is completely dependent on H and his sense of honor, I wind up on the short end of the stick - however, hearings are expensive, and the fact we're looking at one has caused H's hostility to multiply tenfold. I'm still thinking it over.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Quote:

Vanilla, Since we set the emergency hearing, my lawyer sent over an offer from H's attorney - basically stop the hearing, and H will comply.


What will he comply with? What does your lawyer say about the offer?

Have you done discovery yet?


Me: 45 W43
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He will comply with what he's supposed to be doing while we work out the details of the divorce; treat me with respect, give me money, and get my car out of the shop.

My lawyer doesn't trust him. Every time I've agreed to "work with him", he does something childish like shut the internet off, just me, verbally abuse me, and "runs out of money".

However, I'm as anxious to save money as he is, since this affects me most. I can't afford to lose a penny of support. I'm still dwelling on it. I've got until January 6th to make up my mind.


Me: 48 H: 50 - Married 21 - 3-S: 29,19,19 2-D: 27,26
BD: 08/2015 - D filed & OW disc: 09/2015

"Surrender to What Is, Let Go of What Was, Have Faith in What Will Be." -S Ricotti
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Rednail

V I have been reading up on the abuse and it made me cry. Really cry to have to admit I'm with someone who may not be physically abusive but in many other ways.

Isolation- barely having any friends and they all stopped trying because i never was able to do anything..also being a stay at home mom was so lonely.

Financially- no bank account..not allowed on his account. Only give x amount of money a month. He can buy and spend whatever but when I wanted something we had a we are spending too much money talk. Now I have to almost beg for money for gas and groceries and if I'm allowed to pay my bills such as my kohls card with his debit card.

Defining- his way or the high way is usually how it went

Sexually- If he wanted it I never said no, I could be asleep or sick or tired and he would bug me or pout until I said fiiiine okay. That or before he left the week before he was with holding or saying he was too tired..made me feel awful about myself. Almlst had to beg him to hug me.

Make up sex always after an argument even while separated. Once I even asked him if he gets horny when I cry since he always would have a boner or want sex after I am crying. Same day he told me he really wanted a divorce it was during sex. DURING.

Walking on eggshells.

Feelings dismissed. He would tell me I'm crazy and trying to connect dots but then I found out I'm not crazy. At once point I was on a mood stabalizer since I felt so down and crying and didnt know what I was so wrong to ruin my marriage.

Monitors me at all times even separated.

Some stalking..sometimes he shows up at my moms or my house or places he knows I am. Hasn't done it lately but he sometimes has done it. Always randomly at times. Always unannounced.

Blaming level 5

Opposing level 5

Denial, lying, forgetting like level 10 can deny and lie to my face while holding me and not even have his heart rate weaver but the truth he has to tell me on the phone such as cheating..or something bad or serious.

Jokes sarcasm teasing level 10 while separated he made a joke about how i might weigh more then him but I'm not stronger then him. It broke my heart. I've lost 30 lbs since then because it hurt me deep. He said it was a joke. I saw it as he thought I'm fat..even though I had already lost 60 plus lbs at the time.

Covert aggressive manipulation level 6.. Its a new thing he has done since being separated.

Withholding level 7

-----------------------------------------------

My prayers are with Red at this time.


Rednail Spell break

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I do not know how it is done in your state, but here an offer like that can be put into a Stipulated Order that way if he does not follow it he can be held in contempt of court and would have to pay your attorney fees for your lawyer to enforce the Order. Here we also have alimony pending litigation which could pay your attorney fees and give you support. The idea is you are both on equal financial footing during the D. Maybe ask your lawyer about it when you talk further about the offer.


Me 41
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I keep reading some definitions on the threads which had me confused for quite a while.

I thought I would post my understanding of it.

No contactno contact to me is absolutely that. It works both ways, firstly you never contact your wayward or those who seek to abuse you. No contact ever. And you put yourself in the position where you are not even tempted to respond. You block their calls, emails and if you can you move away. No FB, no research on them, you use an L for contact and you cut it very short and sweet even to your L about your doings. No leakage. No thinking if only, the wayward and the MLC together with any one abuses you. GONE. Not to punish them; it is intended to protect yourself. Absolutely. The R is dead, you may not accept it like it or even want it. Like V you stand for your M (not WS) until the ink is final. That means the other no longer has any place in your life at all. You detox. At this stage I have been NC for almost 12 months and I have not yet completely detoxed, I may still be addicted and at risk of being recycled.

No response this is what the majority of those who say NC are actually doing. The WS, MLCer or someone who seeks to abuse can still contact them and then they chose not to respond. This is not NC. There needs to be great care with this as it can be punitive and damaging. Not responding for effect is likely punishing the other. Revenge tactics not defensive and can of itself be abusive. This is still being a target. It is still being addicted and contact by the other may trigger.

It says "yes, if you change your ways or pretend to do so and beg to come back then I will open my heart". It leaves the door wide open when it should be shut tight. It takes a great deal of work to move on and change from being capable of systemic abuse. It won't happen over night or in a short period. To recover from being a target can take as long as one year for each year of abuse up to five years and one year for each of five years after that. So an abuse life of 15 years may take 7 years of recovery.

After that consider contact with a reformed SO.

Low contact or Friendly Neighbour this limits contact to the bare minimum and especially on co parenting with kids. Use on line schedules, third parties and Ls. No discussion of any type of R, minimum joint attendance at events. No FB and just bare cordiality.

Once D is finalised then NC is advise if there are no children.

Warmth only as if chatting to a neighbour. Not advisable in an abuse sitch.

Grey Rock be like a grey stone, boring, dull and uninteresting. Do not react to anything. The other rants and blames and name calls. In addition this means a post face, expressionless and unresponsive. It means saying nothing controversial.

It means not responding to taunts, lies or smears. These resolve in time as the exposure of the abuse becomes uncovered. It will as the irrationality is exposed.

It means saying, "that's interesting", "stop" "I will not be abused" and "have you finished ranting now?" Plus "I hear you and am leaving". "You assume I agree with you and my view is very different".

It means looking poor, unresolved, dull, and arriving looking unattractive, down at heel. Uninteresting.

Grey breeze block means being grey rock or stone with a twist. That twist is there is a grey wall in front of you and you are high functioning behind the wall.

Only the other sees the dull bland grey wall.

-------------------------

You can't persuade yourself that you are NC if you are intermittent contact or permit the other to contact you. NC means NC in all ways.

That is how I define it.

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Vanillas post to chippie

A couple of posters have asked me to check in on you and read your thread.

Of all of the posters only a small number have exposure to serious abusive behavioural issues in a partner. Sometimes that includes behaviour of in laws in dysfunctional families too.

I won't label your WH, but there are several very serious flags in his behaviour which concern me greatly, so I think it might be time to help you educate yourself on those and come to your own conclusions.

There is a big difference between abusive behaviour (which can arise as a result of situations or as a reaction) and the actions of those who have systemic abusive issues.

The former can be resolved in time and the latter likely will continue beyond the R.

Indeed we play a role in being abused, I do not vilify the target of abuse here just accept that we make our choice of partners and sometimes it requires great skill to navigate these tricky waters in S and D an abuser.

Next, yes Zues has a point too, sometimes it's too easy to label damaged Rs as abusive ones, when that may not be so. Victim mentality can be easy solution to escape anot M.

This sitch you find yourself in is likely exceptional. There are several posters here now and from the past whose sitches in my opinion involve severe abusive behaviour. In no order they are Greengrass, Schermann, Vanilla (me), Zelda, Mustardseed and Ancaire.

There are a couple more including Rosalinda who has posted to you and knows her stuff that acknowledge abuse. The list includes men and women, this isn't exclusively a female domains.

Zelda and I put together a couple of threads on abuse which I am going to provide a link. I am here to indicate to you where you can get some sense on your sitch and in my opinion this is one of the toughest journeys you are about to face.

You may be resisting your own nature on bonding with your abuser, by compartmentalising his actions there will be times when you will be drawn back in, only for the sweet cycle of abuse to start over and each cycle is usually worse.

The rage of systematic abusers when foiled is quite astonishing. My journey is there for you to read if you so choose, but know this abuse is in your life for a reason and great healing and extraordinary post traumatic growth can arise.

Dry drunks still have all of the issues of compulsion plus the anger because they may not have their self medication drug of choice (booze). The issues are still there. Please see that the protection of yourself and your safety as paramount and protecting it in whatever way is needed is nothing you must apologise for. It's the best thing you could have done, do not hesitate to do so again.

This is what I know from experience:

Abuse is hard to deal with when you see great things about your abuser and sometimes that's all you can see, other times it can be all bad and others balanced

Breaking away requires a series of spellbreaks

Keep a detailed abuse diary and if necessary record the abuse

Save everything safely away

Have at least one safe person in real life who will support you

You will tread water and that may be the best you can do for a long time

Your safety (and your children) comes first last and in the middle

List here the abuse history, Zelda found this useful as did I, putting it writing makes it tangible and somehow spellbreaks your thinking.

Resolve never to be abused again by anyone. My mantra was I will not be abused

I had specialist help from the freedom program (available online) to recognise abuse, and there are charities. Educate yourself and don't stop learning.

Twelve steps is amazing, for me Gamanon but there is a core in all of these programs. Twelve steps particularly steps 4 and 5 are so powerful in connecting to your higher power

--------------------------------

Please post to my thread and know you are with those here who have traversed some of these waters.

Systematic Abuse is not your fault, you did cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It's a waste to MC, mediate or placate an abuser. Setting boundaries is going to make the reaction worse too, as these get tested. If you need to do so validate the abuser until you can get away. These are my thoughts.

NVC is about two determined individuals wanting to get their communication right, an abuser abuses because they like it and abuse isn't about anger but control. NVC is likelying to trigger abuse. I tried it (amoung every tactic I could think of).

Your path may well be to cease engagement with your abuser and a possibility is grey rock.

Under no circumstances allow yourself to be triggered, I had my screaming banshee phase and it created great damage in me as a reactive abuse mechanism. Some abusers can use that phase against you.

Rosalinda is a powerful poster and I admire her very much. Greengrass called my sitch for me as abusive. And truly it is and sadly has deteriorated beyond anything I ever thought. So Chippie expect the worst, smears, triangulation, abuse tactics, sweet talk, everything under the sun. You won't be disappointed.

Keep posting, be authentic and the wonderful DB posters here will give you support. I honestly don't think I would be through my D without the amazing travellers on this board.

Vanilla


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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A very sad report today on the UK crime survey.

One in three of those saying they were attacked or abused at home were men.

In the year to March 2016 1.8m brifts (6%) of the adult population had suffered abuse. 1.2m and 651k men. The sex difference is the lowest ever.

Reports have quadrupled for men in 10 years.

The UK classifies serious verbal abuse in these stats. And they include elder abuse, and same sex couple stats too. That's 6.4% of men and 11% of women.

Four in ten of the offences resulted in the police asking for prosection and a further four in ten with warning. The CPS prosecuted 70% of the cases forwarded by police. In two thirds of cases the defendant pleaded guilty. Half of the remaining prosecutons were as a result of lack of cooperation by the target.

I am sad to say that was V two years ago.

This is just so sad.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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I think it's about time to look at Divorce and how that can be used for further abuse.

Any views?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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