I am on the brink of a divorce. My wife has completely closed her heart to me. She has stated that her heart just is not in it anymore. We have been married 9yrs now. About 6 months ago she told me that she has had an emotional affair and kissed another man. It took me about 3 months to get to a point in my heart and mind to fully grasp, accept and decide to fully and truly love my wife. I chose the path of unconditional love. I started confronting her to “talk” about what has happened and got rejected every time. I may have been too passive, too accepting of the rejection. Most of the time she just closed up in the bedroom. About a month ago, she came to me again and told me that she was about 4 months pregnant with this other man’s child. I was floored, completely speechless. I started staying at my In-Laws. It took me 2 weeks to build myself back up to continue to fight for my marriage. I truly do love my wife, I care for her well-being, and want to try and make her happy. This past week I was able to get in touch and meet with my wife twice to figure out what we are going to do. The first visit was to get my wants and needs out there. She has not come out and said the D word but has made it very clear that her heart is not in it and that she would not expect me to raise someone else’s baby. The second visit was for me to outline again where our positions were. I want to stay and work on this marriage and she does not. I asked her if she has started working on any legal processes, she has not. I do not want to go down this path but she has pretty much blocked any path that will lead me to her heart. Our current focus is on figuring out what to do with our house, our accounts and finances. As far as anything legal,I want to drag my feet to create more time and interaction between us. I want to find an opening to her heart. I know that I am missing some events and details here and will probably add more information soon. The key here is that we did not have a bad marriage. It was dry and we were boring. It was not for lack of trying, I offered dates and vacations. I honestly do think that our personalities helped create a comfortable place to get bored and complacent about our situation. I have truly changed my heart and mind. I am fully committed to fighting for this but am concerned that her defenses will not come down. The most frustrating thing that hits me is that she never said anything. Never gave me a chance to work on or "save" us. I am entirely respectful to her. I am a "nice" guy. Was my fight over before I even knew that there was a problem? How is it that someone can get to this point alone? Can someone really fight alone? Finally, I have to state the only unfairness to marriage that I have found. It takes 2 to create and maintain it but only 1 to end it. I'm going to reluctantly start this vague separation process but still whole heartedly pursue her heart. I am looking for advice and am willing to fill in any details or answer any questions as honestly as I can.
I'm so sorry you are here. It is the club that no-one wants to join, but you will find plenty of support here. First things first, have you read either DR or DB my friend? If not, do get one of them ordered (I preferred DR) and read it from cover to cover.
It sounds to me that at the moment, you are pursuing your W and hoping she will want back in, despite incredibly difficult circumstances. I guess my first question is that her having another man's child is hugely tough and are you sure that being together is what you want in those circumstances?
A poster called NDY in newcomers is in a similar position. I think for him it has helped him find some closure in his sitch. But, people do cope with such things. However, your W does not want to be 'in' the M just now. That doesn't mean she never will, but for now I think you would do best to start GAL for yourself, work on detachment and begin to 'act as if.' These are all things that are explained more in the books. Also, have a look at the welcome resources in Newcomers and read those - particularly the 37 rules.
For now, it may be best to focus on the practical issues in hand - finances, accounts, housing and get those resolved. Then you are in a better place with some breathing space and opportunity to really start DBing and working in yourself. For now, I would accept and let go of your W. Her heart is turned against you for now and may be for some time. She is a wayward wife and if you have a read of the advice for LBS with WW in the newcomer resources, that will be illuminating for you.
I'm sure others will be along to post too. But in the meantime, take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Your best bet at this point is to go to an attorney and discuss your options and situation. This does not mean you are going to divorce. I urge you to do so in order to see to your rights.
