Lost and confused 2

[Clairee]

New thread for a new beginning.

Let me start with I'm not as lost or confused as the day I first typed to this forum. I have never in my life felt the wave & roller coaster of emotions like BD & the months after.

Things are slowly progressing. H & I are communicating much more & better than before BD, but we still stumble at times.

I find it funny how I think I've put things behind me & then all of a sudden something happens & I realize the past still brings hurt. Yesterday was one of those days.

The friend who called & BD the OW on me sent a video that included her speaking. It's the first time I've heard her voice since shortly after that call. Hearing her voice brought back that call. Her words, the emotion in her voice, the emotional reaction I had. As she rambled on the video, my brain replayed that BD call. I felt the same lump in my throat, the same ache throughout my body & the devastation all over again. H knew something was off when I got done watching it. Unlike Clariee 1, Clariee 2.0 decided to deal with it head on instead of trying to brush it off in fear of upsetting H. I told him how just hearing her voice made me feel, how the memories & pain rushed over me & I felt trapped in the BD moment. H was very sweet. He listened, he validated & then he sat down next to me, holding my hands in his & told me he was sorry. I said it wasn't his fault she was in the video or her voice having that effect on me. H said no that's true, but it was his fault she had a phone call to make & his fault her voice will always be tied to the biggest mistake he's ever made. And that he will never do anything that gives me as much pain as he can feel I'm in at this moment.

For the first time since we started working on our new M, I feel a sense of reality. He's apologized before, he's shown remorse, he's tried making amends & doing all that I ask of him. But I've never felt really secure in moving forward. I've kept one foot out just in case. I don't know why this felt more reassuring than before, but it did. I saw & felt a real vulnerability in him. When he looked me in the eyes, I saw his own pain & guilt, not just a reflection of mine.

I don't know what's on this path ahead or what happens from day to day. I know I'm walking it slow & very cautiously. There are times I think this won't work, that we are just incompatible & then there are moments like this that are like a 2x4 that show me he is really investing.

If I'm being honest, I had not totally invested in our M or us until that last night when he said what he did & I saw what I did. I realize how much I've been holding back, keeping the wall up & building protection around my heart. So it's my turn to get off the fence & recommit entirely. Not naively, that girl doesn't exist anymore, but with an open mind & heart. I'm still scared of being hurt again, I still don't have the trust I feel I should have, but I can't keep hiding from this.

So today, I am letting myself commit entirely. I will continue to work on me through GAL & school. I will finish my degree & never will be financially dependent on anyone but myself. I will always have a way to take care of myself & my kids. I will open my heart to all the possibilities, accepting the risks to reap the rewards. I will not be a prisoner to the past. I will not be held hostage by old feelings & bad memories. I will use them to be a better, stronger me. I will give this all I have. If it is not meant to be, I will own my part & take solace that I did all I could. That I tried & I won't feel it as failure but as learning, experiencing & growing. I am a better person, a stronger woman & mother since BD & because of DB. I know I will be ok no matter what happens.

[job]

Old Thread:

Lost & Confused

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2612624&page=1

[Clairee]

Well today H left to go back to California. I am a bundle of nerves. I guess this is the real test of how far we've come and if he's really committed. He told me repeatedly before he left this is where he wanted to be and where he belonged. He tried really hard to reassure me he wouldn't do anything like before, he would never hurt me like that again or throw away the work we've done these last few months. My head hears it all, but my heart is racing and I'm worried. Im just hoping this is short lived & only because it's the day he left. Hoping tomorrow is better & praying he means everything he said.

[Clairee]

When does the anxiety go away? H has been gone a couple of days now. I feel just as anxious and emotional as I did after the BD. I am trying to keep busy & for the most part I can keep it at bay during the day. But at night & in my dreams, it's there. This fear he'll do it all again. I talked to H about it, told him everything I was feeling & he really tried to reassure me. He sent pictures of him in his room, face timed me, texted me. He's trying what he can. But I'm still just a ball of emotion.

So vets who have reconciled...does this ever go away? Do you ever stop worrying they'll repeat it all again?

I was doing fine when he was home, but now he's 2600 miles away for months & I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm trying just to stay busy, I'm not snooping & he's not acting suspicious or in any way different. But yet, here I am.

[mvgfwd2]

Trust takes awhile to rebuild. You may have to endure a few more times when he is away for extended periods before you will feel H is trustworthy again.

[Clairee]

I'm working on my trust issues, but I didn't expect this to hit me like it did.

H called before going to bed to say good night. We chit chatted for a minute and then he told me that we were good, he said he knew I was struggling with trust and him being there and he would do whatever it took to show me I can trust him. Said that if I can't sleep or dream about it, to call him and he'll tell me again he's in our M 110% and he'll keep telling me that until I know and believe it.

He's really trying. It's me who is struggling. I'm trying to keep my PMA, my GAL & all that, this is just harder than I thought it would be.

[Sotto]

Hi Clairee, I'm not surprising that is hard. Your H has been home for a while and you could see on a daily basis how you could trust him. Now he is away, you have lost control of that. My H also worked away and I know that feeling. I also wonder how I would overcome that if we were ever to reconcile.

However, I think the crucial thing here is that your H is 110% in and his actions are backing this up. He is making huge efforts to reassure you and doing all that he can to rebuild trust. I think that is what you need to focus on.

Also, focus on making your own plans, letting go and leaving it up to the higher powers. Equally, if there are any further practical things that you can do to build confidence, discuss those with him.

It will get better and take care xx

[Clairee]

Thanks Sotto for stopping by & your thoughts. H is military & we've been through 20 years of deployments & separations. I guess I expected this to be just like any other & to not feel so insecure. Until this last separation, these thoughts never crossed my mind. Then wham, BD that he's had an affair, lied for months & now I'm in a position I have no choice but to trust without being able to verify. All I have are his words. I know there is a chance he'll run into OW because they have the same circle of friends there. H has said if she shows up, he'll leave. If he can't just leave, he'll avoid her until he can leave. He's said if she tried to talk with him, he'd tell her in no uncertain terms to leave him alone. He said if she tried to contact him by phone, text, email or whatever he'd tell her again to not contact him & would block her. He's saying all the right things, I am struggling with believing them.

Today is a busy day. I have an essay & op-ed to write for my English class, 3 chapters to read & 2 pages of questions for my Psychology class & 2 chapters, 2 essay questions & a quiz for World Civilizations all due this week. On top of that, D12 has a science project, D13 is having Halloween costume issues, vet appointments for both dogs, take my car in for 7 recall notices & a BBQ to plan, shop & cook for this Sunday. Oh & a baby shower Saturday I had forgotten to put on my calendar & my sister called this morning about. Meetng some friends tonight for another Monet & Merlot party. I think I'll need the Merlot more than the monet. Is it Monday yet? Lol