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Re: RD Movin on 10 [Re: SunnyB] #2612121
10/03/15 06:17 PM
10/03/15 06:17 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Sotto Offline
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Sotto  Offline
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Hi Sunny, I guess I was just sticking with the 'don't initiate R talks' advice really. There may be some signs that she misses home and wants to be lady of the house again. But, as RD would say - are these just stars when really a planet is needed?

But I can see where you are coming from with this and if RD is able to ask and truly have no expectations - maybe that's okay? I guess in my own sitch, I am keen not to undo months of being seen to move solidly forward without H. And if RD says - what would it take for you to come home again? - might it undo some of the 'moving forward/on, you may be losing me' impression? It may just be that I'm overthinking that one.

I also think in RD's sitch, his W expresses regret quite often and says her life is miserable. But, she doesn't actually do anything significant to start repairing things with RD. And, given all that has passed, I think something significant from her would be needed. Although she has 'been there' more for the children, which is good.

Those are just my thoughts....but RD - you know your sitch and your W best. I'm sure you'll do what feels right in all the circumstances. It's good that you have a few viewpoints to ponder over...

Take care xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Re: RD Movin on 10 [Re: SunnyB] #2612133
10/03/15 06:38 PM
10/03/15 06:38 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
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ATPeace Offline
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ATPeace  Offline
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Hey RD just checking in on you I am not the person for advice at least not yet but if I was to say something it would be ...the point you made about Christmas and saying you have work is this really what you want to do ...I think probably not

You decide on what is right for RD

Take care my friend

Ghost


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
Re: RD Movin on 10 [Re: Sotto] #2612140
10/03/15 06:53 PM
10/03/15 06:53 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,226
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rd500 Offline OP
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rd500  Offline OP
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Posts: 2,226
Thanks Huddy , Sunny and Sotto

Huddy and Sunny. I'm not sure asking her directly would be something Im comfortable with and she has told D14 on more than one occasion she wants to come home but can't at the moment. I do have nothing to lose and I don't think I'm afraid of the answer because I feel I know the answer would be not at the moment Which is no in any other language

EXW has been trying to be more involved in the house and told me a few weeks back that she still considers me her business I just smile at these sorts of things because they are just words. When previous ornaments came out I did ask and she just said it made the room nicer

Sotto. I would agree that she would have to make the move but I am aware that I have shut her down quite often. I posted a few weeks ( more ) back that she called and started feeling me she felt burnt out as a mother and she also could never see me in the rage I was in when I found out about OM. I answered that she would never be Iin a position to see me like that again and no one else would because I would never be hurt like that again. She defended herself with the usual he is just a friend but I cut her off She said she was feeling better after taking the anti ds and much more like her old self and wished she had taken them 2 years ago and none of this might have happen ( she added honey ) after the sentence and again I just said it is what it is I've always taken each conversation about an R as EXW just talking but I could have taken it way more positively Even chatting when we got back Thursday she called me honey a few times

Re OM , I have let it go by just accepting what is. She is denying to all. She has various issues re her body that may have an influence here but maybe not I don't talk about OM and she's knows not to mention it to me or the kids She has told the kids he's not even a real friend and just someone to chat with and she told L/C the same and L/C believes her completely. I don't dwell to much because it not worth it

ultimately I can only react from my gut and it's telling me to leave her to it She has come forward but it may be temp checking. We can't D for another 4 years and anything I do now will only affect kids. I avoided 6 calls today and feel better for it

Thank you all for your advice. It means a lot to know people actually have an interest and care

Take care. Rd

Re: RD Movin on 10 [Re: rd500] #2612141
10/03/15 06:55 PM
10/03/15 06:55 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,226
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rd500 Offline OP
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rd500  Offline OP
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Thanks for posting Ghost. I will take Sunnys advice and sleep on it

Take care. Rd

Re: RD Movin on 10 [Re: rd500] #2612202
10/04/15 12:33 AM
10/04/15 12:33 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Vanilla Offline
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RD

Bruv, what about those wonderful film evenings and cuddle hugs with your Ds?

Is that still happening?

Which film is next, are there pizzas?

How is SIL, the bike and.... Car?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Re: RD Movin on 10 [Re: Vanilla] #2612274
10/04/15 12:09 PM
10/04/15 12:09 PM
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 1,917
UK (Scotland)
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Huddy Offline
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Huddy  Offline
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I must have missed the OM part of the sitch. Yes, I see where you're coming from. Maybe she's afraid of saying she was wrong. Not making excuses for her.


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Re: RD Movin on 10 [Re: Huddy] #2612279
10/04/15 12:37 PM
10/04/15 12:37 PM
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rd500 Offline OP
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rd500  Offline OP
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Hi Huddy and Vanillia.

Huddy. Yes IOM is a serious issue. D11 spends Friday night with EXW and this Friday EXW told her that D11 could ask her anything g about her life because EXW has nothing to hide. OM is a bi polar alcoholic with serious mental issue and not someone you would want to be around. EXW tells all that he's not even a friend but just someone to spend time with but I think she's convinced herself at this stage. She is going through menopause and has being diagnosed with depression she's being on Prozac for 2 months now and the kids have seen a huge difference. She has told me lots that she's made a mistake and is ruining her life but that's where it stops She spent the first 10 months out of the house just crying when ever I saw her and I had lots of very very sad texts. I have friends who are friends of her on FB and she was posting real sad things about losing everything. She told me 10'weeks ago that she had called the Samaritans 3 times and her sister confirmed this to me

Vanillia. We watched little Nicky before we went away and have dodgeball to watch later this week. Bike hasn't been used for a while but have appointment with consultant on weds so it will get a blast then. Car is a dream and loving it I had a lot of car over the years and this is by far the nicest to drive SIL is quite enough. A few texts and one call to say EXW had called to tell her that OM had been really nasty and SIL asked again if she was WITH him. EXW again denied and SIL believe her

Thank you both for posting. Take care. Rd

Re: RD Movin on 10 [Re: rd500] #2612440
10/05/15 09:29 AM
10/05/15 09:29 AM
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Avanti Offline
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rd, do you know what stalemate is? That's what I see in your sitch when reading this thread.

You are waiting for her to say and do something, what is it? Is it clear in your mind or does it keep changing? Will that be enough? Are you over thinking things? Are you scared that you might get hurt, so are keeping yourself in your comfort zone?

She is in a mess and is expressing regret to everyone not just you. She's tried a few things to build a bridge toward you (the strength and durability are questionable but it is a bridge nonetheless) and gets cut off or blocked by you, eventually she may give up. Maybe your blocking indicates that's what you want anyway?

That's a form of stalemate. Neither of you can or will move.

Have you considered that actually you relationship is now the flip of what it was? She is now the needy, chasing one and you are "the can't cope with that" one.

Not suggesting you welcome her back with open arms but asking a what-if question is a proven way of probing without indicating commitment. Something like, "I know this is completely mad and it's not going to happen, but if you wanted to come back what would need to happen?".

That's a question enabling her to open up. If she says "I don't know" keep quiet, keep quiet anyway, don't break the silence, let her do that.

If she says "are you still there", say "yes, I wanted to give you time to think" then be silent again. When she starts speaking, really listen, beyond the words as well as what is being said. The next time you speak to say anything of substance is to give a summary of what she has just said. If she keeps on ducking or going off at a tangent, "that's not what I asked" is a reasonable response.

If it's all going nowhere, bring the conversation to an end with polite "sorry got to go, blah, blah needs attention..." excuse and leave it all hanging with her. You'll have left her with a lot to think about and you may get a "this is what I want" call or text back. If not, what have you lost?

Be bold and be measured. It might be something your W admired about you when you were originally getting together and she sees it as having gone away...


- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow
- Consult your plan, not your feelings
- If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Re: RD Movin on 10 [Re: Sotto] #2612476
10/05/15 01:59 PM
10/05/15 01:59 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,685
FL
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SunnyB Offline
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Thanks, Sotto, for explaining. My thought about the "no R talk" was at this point, does that really matter anymore? I was probably putting a personal slant on it, I don't consider myself DB-ing my STBX anymore, although I have put some things in place permanently, PMA, validation, etc. And I don't talk about our past R. But I am far more bold in expressing myself and in asking for what I need, even if that's an uncomfortable conversation. That's kind of where I was pushing RD, being bold, getting clarification instead of continuing in an unsure situation.

But...
Originally Posted By: Sotto
RD - you know your sitch and your W best. I'm sure you'll do what feels right in all the circumstances. It's good that you have a few viewpoints to ponder over...
Yep



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
Re: RD Movin on 10 [Re: SunnyB] #2612586
10/05/15 07:19 PM
10/05/15 07:19 PM
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jim0987 Offline
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Evening RD

Glad you had a good holiday and the car is working out well. I have momentary car envy then remember the fuel bills (although I have a VW so thats a sore point anyway)

I've said it before but I don't how you do it. I dont get any offers (unusual or otherwise) and there's you having to fend women off left, right and centre. You obviously have a special magnetism smile

I feel there is a good discussion here and a lot for you to think about because in the end its your life.

I read your post on Sotto's thread and if you dont mind i would like to offer the same view to you if you dont mind:

-EXW says she wants to be married to you just not intimate. Not something your happy with
- EXW leaves in deep depression and finds a kindred spirit in OM (with whom i personally dont believe there is any emotional affection there and given the issues you've describe that led to the first point i doubt there is a physical relationship either)
- EXW remains depressed but sees you get on with life
- EXW's depression worsens but then she eventually seeks help
- EXW has seen you flourish, knows she has issues (including probably some of the original ones) and probably doesnt feel like she could make you happy.
- RD remains firm in his resolve and continues to protect his emotions from further hurt.

Something like that anyway

I do think i've said it before but it feels to me like an olive branch may be required at the right time. Avanti said 'stalemate' and i cant say I disagree with that assessment. Something i think needs to shift and I think there comes a time when then something is you.

I think there is a caring way to approach these things and I would personally advocate having a good chat with L/C about it. Of course we would love to help but L/C knows you and your situation better.

Im sure you have before but can i also suggest watching the Brene Brown TED talk on the power of vulnerability. Sometimes we have to be a little bit more vulnerable to open up the doorway to something good.

Take Care RD and again i'm pleased you had a great holiday


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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